Dream...Wish...Desire

Stomach Flu

2012-01-27T10:57:00.000-08:00

Image source unknown

Well it wasn't just stress that was doing me in on Wednesday. Turns out shortly after I wrote that post, I went to the restroom at work and promptly puked up every possible ounce of content in my stomach. Or so I thought. Because I went on to continue puking for the next 36 hours and suffer from a fever of 101 that finally started to break yesterday. This stomach flu is no joke. Last night I barely started to feel like I was on the mend and thought I could return to work this morning. So I had a bit of solid food, which I felt like I was going to be able to hold down. Then I went to sleep in preparation for work because I had to return today. I have a lot of deadlines on the 31st, and I needed to make sure things were still on track.

So this morning I got up and promptly threw up. Again. And thought, "uh-oh." But I was determined to at least make it in, check my email and messages and get some emails out. I drank some tea...which promptly exited my body like the rest of its predecessors before it. I don't have access to work communication outside of the office or believe me I would have totally been all over that option instead of fighting the inevitable. Into the office for a little over an hour and back out again before 95% of my work colleagues even made it in to start their day.

Now I'm home. Back in bed. Trying to hold in some water and continue to get some rest and hoping that this virus makes it on its way out of me with the rest of it. And hopefully my train of thought will return as well and not be as choppy as this blog post has been.

Wiggin' Out

2012-01-25T08:21:00.000-08:00

Image source

I used to be one of those people who handled stress well...or so I thought. I spent years internalizing it, pushing through and coming out on "top." I worked 12+ hour days, sometimes 100+ weeks. But I needed balance so I also went out with friends, drank it up and ate well. And by well I mean yummy fancy food, not necessarily healthy. While I recognized my body and mind becoming tired, I was able to maintain my stamina with the gallons of coffee I pumped in it - having switched over from my high school and college staples, Mountain Dew and Coca-Cola.

And then the years in high school, college, my new career as well as the stresses of the death and the circumstances surrounding their deaths of a few of my closest family members hit me. What started off as a walking pneumonia virus that appeared as a cold to my co-workers turned into a full fledged trigger for my chronic fatigue syndrome. And I went down. Hard. For 9 months. While I'm not going to go into the details of that period in this post, let's just say that I had to learn A LOT about my body, health, stress and life during that time. I mean, what else did I have to do when I didn't have enough energy to make it out of bed?

Why am I bringing up all of this now? Because I'm stressed. And I don't have to be because I actually do have things under control in this very busy time. And except for looking like I need a nap, I appear to be handling it all. And I am. But knowing that I have it under control isn't helping me feel less stressed or less exhausted. And I can't figure out why. And I'm tired.

I promise I will return to my normal self soon (no this is not my normal self). I'm just gonna need a nap first.

Pretty Much...

2012-01-20T13:39:00.000-08:00

It's That Time of Year

2012-01-20T11:43:00.000-08:00

Image source

It's that time of year when the weather does funny things. Funny things like disguise winter as spring with warmer weather and then turn back into winter the very next day. Now we've added rain to the mix (which the area so desperately needs so I'm totally not complaining about it) and we're really having fun. Unfortunately, it seems that the fun is not necessarily shared by those friends, family, colleagues and strangers around me who have been sniffling, sneezing, coughing, hacking and every other variation of all of the above. Most recently my mom has gotten sick with a really bad cold that's she's having a hard time kicking.

And me? Well, for someone who would normally experience more than 1 cold/flu/overall yuckiness by now, I have escaped with a couple of sinus headaches. And that's it. No I have not submitted myself to a flu shot. No, I haven't done anything extraordinary this season versus the last season to help me ward off the germs in my environment. But I have done 3 things, which I have not previously done before...and it's this:

1. Eat fruit, including some citrus, every day. I don't think there's much explanation needed about this. We're talking the intake of natural vitamins including vitamin C. Of course, that's going to do nothing but help make you're immune system stronger.

2. Regularly without fail take a daily multivitamin. Again, no real explanation needed for this one right? I mean, come on. How many of us get all the nutritional value that we need daily from our diet alone. Anyone?

3. Taken at least 100 mg of pycnogenol every single day. If at the end of the day I start to feel like a cold or something is coming on, I take another 100 mg before going to bed. This one might need more explanation obviously as this is something that I had never heard of myself until my honey told me about it when I mentioned not feeling well. His doctor had suggested it to him to keep him from easily catching viruses as he travels a lot for work. Pycnogenol is a plant extract from the maritime pine tree and is apparently a highly powerful natural antioxidant. You can find out more information here.

And that's it. So far so good. I'm also crossing my fingers too that I make it through spring with the same success.

Obviously I'm not a doctor, and I'm not advocating or endorsing anything here. Just sharing information of what extra I've been doing to keep myself from getting sick like everyone else. Like me, choose to do with what you feel comfortable with at your own risk.

Is there anything you all are doing differently to ward off common illnesses everyone seems to get this time of year? I'm totally interested in hearing about them!

The True Meaning of Sleeping Together

2012-01-09T15:36:00.000-08:00

I saw this posted on the internet. I can't seem to find the original source as it seems everyone and their mother has posted some version of this on their blog or tumblr when I tried to Google the source. I can't reiterate this enough: this is not my original work. But I love it, and feel the same way. Exactly.

Photo source: unknown

“The True Meaning of Sleeping Together"

"Nothing dirty. Nothing Naughty. Just sleeping. It’s just sleeping with that someone and knowing that they’re in your arms and you’re in theirs. They want to feel close to you. They want to know they are the closest to your heart. They want to hear you breathe when you fall asleep as they sleep next to you. As you fall asleep, you want to cuddle with that someone and just the hold them close. It’s that moment where you don’t want to let go and that moment where you don’t want them to forget that this is a special moment. ~Author unknown

Stuff I Love: The Melt

2012-01-09T13:33:00.000-08:00

Because I am in a continuing need of comfort (this seems to be a common theme since the new year started - need to figure that one out), I headed to The Melt to grab some lunch. For those of you outside the San Francisco Bay area, The Melt only serves various concoctions of grilled cheese and the soup to accompany it. The menu is not long (I mean, come on), but the sandwiches and soups are tasty, and the restaurant is eco-friendly. They even have this handy dandy online ordering system, but I'm digressing from why I'm writing this post, and you can look up all the rest of the stuff on the The Melt's website to learn more.

So like I was saying...I was in need of some comfort, so I headed to grab my favorite quick comfort foods. A grilled cheese. Now if you've read this blog at all, you might have come across a blog or two mentioning this. You might also recall that I'm the type of girl that doesn't want anything else mucking up my grilled cheese. Yes tomatoes, I'm referring to you. And butter. The bread must be buttered and grilled - not just grilled. Otherwise, what's the point?

Anyway, I went to go grab a sandwich and instead of ordering online like I usually do, I ordered at the restaurant, and I'm glad I did. I was in the mood for a grilled cheese with a kick, so I was walking in all prepared to order The Mission, which is spicy pepper jack cheese in sourdough. But then I saw a sign at the register touting this 'Dirty Melt.' Intrigued, I asked what it was. It's sharp cheddar, diced jalapenos, tomatoes, bacon and crushed barbeque chips. So I ordered it, minus the tomatoes (see previous paragraph). And you know what? It rocked my world. The jalapenos give it a nice kick without being too spicy - although my stomach seems to be indicating otherwise right about now. The bacon gives it a nice flavor without being too overwhelming. And those barbeque potato chips? Well honestly, you might miss those in the sandwich altogether if there wasn't a kick of the barbeque chip flavor every other bite.

All in all...LOVED it! I hope they keep this one on the menu.

Stuff I Love: Tulips

2012-01-06T15:40:00.000-08:00

Picture found here

Have I mentioned that I love tulips yet? Because I do. I love them. They're my favorite flower. Why? They're simple, elegant, vibrant. They are one of the first signs of spring and summer. Looking at them just makes me happy.

And today, when I took yet another hit to my ego and my self esteem - funny how overhearing someone talk poorly of you can do that - I came across this picture of gorgeous and colorful tulips in full bloom, and it brought a smile to my face...which is helpful when you're trying to hold back tears all day.

Do Better

2012-01-03T13:45:00.000-08:00

Like so many of the rest of you, I spent a lot of the last week of 2011 reflecting on the year and deciding how I want 2012 to go. Then a funny thing happened. I found myself in an emotional black hole...which led to me feeling like I was physically in a black hole. I have no idea how I got there. 2011 wasn't disastrous. If anything the year was really good to me. REALLY good. So how did I end up there?

Well it came down to this mantra: When you know better, you do better. While I apparently made so many good choices as was apparent with the good in the year I had, I didn't make a lot of great choices. And I knew better.

What happens when you consistently make not so good or just good choices when you know better? The good that is happening in your life is not really sustainable. Life will not let you live as you are in this moment forever. Something always gives and you either rise or you sink.

So instead of listing out specific resolutions for 2012 and onward, I just made a decision that is simple and all encompassing.

Do better.

Changing My Focus

2011-12-29T13:29:00.000-08:00

It's getting to be that time of year again. Yes, I'm talking about the end of it. Time to put a close to all that has passed and that which was left undone. I'm not sure if it's some sort of hormonal imbalance that I'm experiencing or a much deeper rooted issue, but I am feeling quite melancholy as the year ends without a real reason to be feeling this way. This would be about the time where I would make a list of all the things that have improved since this time last year. One of those "Change your focus, change your life" tools. So let's get to it, shall we?

I feel healthier and stronger than I did this time last year. Last year I was plagued by a seemingly never ending series of colds. I'm sure the flu was thrown in there as well, but regardless I was feeling sickly to say the least. I'm not sure if it's the pycnogenol supplement my manfriend introduced me to or just an overall stronger immune system, but other than a slightly runny nose, I have so far escaped the coughing, hacking, sneezing, stuffy head crapola that seems to have plagued everyone around me already this season. *knock wood*
Professionally, I have more comfort over the security of having a consulting gig that should take me at least through mid-November 2012. This time last year I only had a gig lined up that would take me through March. Here's hoping that by this time next year, I'll have landed something more...permanent.
Financially, I have a bit more debt this year than I did last year. Granted this is not a situation that has improved, but I have a firmer grasp over my financial situation from an awareness standpoint and a clear plan on how to get this situation handled. Last year it was more of a "vague idea" of where I was financially.
Socially, this time last year I was friends with everybody and their sister. This year, I have taken a hard look at who these friends really are and what they bring (or don't) to the table and have brought a few in closer and moved a majority into the outer circles. This is something that's always hard for me to do, but in taking care of me, the review of my circle has become an emotional necessity.
And last, but so far from least it's not even funny, romantically....I have someone special in my life. He was in my life last year, but he's wiggled his way even further into it becoming someone even more...special. This situation, it's so hard for me to trust in it and I want to so badly. I'm trying. Really hard. I'm curious as to what I will say about this next year.

Ok, fine. I feel a little better, but not enough to make me want to do anything more than hibernate under the covers and not come out for at least a week.

Maybe tomorrow will be better.

I May Have Found Him...

2011-12-27T21:14:00.000-08:00

102 Questions...

2011-12-14T17:15:00.000-08:00

1. Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it? Yes
2. Would you date an 18-year-old at the age you are now? Hell no.
3. When’s the last time you were aggravated and happy at the same time? No idea.
4. Would you ever smile at a stranger? I do all the time.
5. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are? I wouldn't say mad exactly...
6. Have you heard a song that reminds you of someone today? Not today.
7. What exactly are you wearing right now? Burgundy sweater, black slacks, black heels
8. How often do you listen to music? Every day.
9. Do you wear jeans or sweats more? Jeans
10. Do you think your life will change dramatically before 2012? I don't think so, but you never know.
11. Are you a social or an antisocial person? Depends on my mood.
12. Have you ever kissed someone whose name begins with the letter ‘A’? No
13. What about ‘R’? I don't think so.
14. Can you drive a stick shift? Yes.
15. Do you care if people talk badly about you? I wish the answer was no, but yes I do care.
16. Are you going out of town soon? No.
17. When was the last time you cried? Last night.
18. Have you ever told someone you loved them? Yes.
19. If you could change your eye color, would you? I'd love to try blue or green...
20. Is there a boy who you would do absolutely everything for? I don't know that I do would do absolutely everything for even myself so...
21. Name something you dislike about the day you’re having. It doesn't seem to be ending anytime soon. :/
22. Is it cute when guys kiss you on your forehead? Yes.
23. Are you dating the last person you talked to? No.
24. What are you sitting on right now? An office chair.
25. Does anyone regularly (other than family) tell you they love you? No.
26. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have? I'm normally the Queen of the Unrequited Love.
27. Who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed last night? My mom.
28. Do you get a lot of colds? Not usually.
29. Where is the shirt you are wearing from? Talbots
30. Does anyone hate you? If so, I am blissfully unaware of them.
31. Do you have any empty alcohol bottles hidden somewhere in your room? No.
32. Do you like watching scary movies? Sometimes.
33. Do you want your tongue pierced? Nope.
34. If you had to delete one year of your life completely, which would it be? I don't know that I'd delete one year ever, but I've had some pretty bad ones I'd rather not live through again.
35. Did you have a dream last night? Not that I remember.
36. When was the last time you told someone you loved them? Besides my mom? Umm...2002 I think?
37. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years? I doubt it.
38. Do you think someone has feelings for you? Feelings? Sure.
39. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now? Maybe.
40. Did you have a good day yesterday? It was alright.
41. Think back 2 months ago; were you in a relationship? No.
42. In the next 48 hours, will you hang out with a girl? LOL - is this a questionnaire for guys? Sure I'll hang out with a girl. My mom, co-workers...
43. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you? Yes.
44. What’s the best part about school? Not being in it anymore.
45. Do you have any pictures on your Facebook? Sure.
46. Do you ever pass notes to your friends in school? Yes as a matter of fact I did...it was the major form of flirting when I was in school.
47. Do you replay things that have happened in your head? All the time.
48. Were you single over the last summer? Yes.
49. Is your life anything like it was two years ago? Nope.
50. What are you supposed to be doing right now? Working.
51. Do you hate the last guy you had a conversation with? No.
52. Are you nice to everyone? Well, not everyone...but in general yes.
53. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to? Totally.
54. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat? That's pretty much how I roll...
55. Are you good at hiding your feelings? I'm a freakin' expert at it.
56. Do you think you like someone? Yes.
57. Have you kissed someone whose name starts with a ‘J’? Yes.
58. Do you prefer to be friends with girls or boys? Boys.
59. Has anyone of your friends ever seen you cry? Yes.
60. Do you hate anyone? No.
61. How’s your heart? Well, it's there.
62. Is there something that happened in your past that you hate talking about? Yes.
63. Have you ever cried over a guy? I'm not sure that there's ever been a guy that I haven't cried over at some point.
64. Who is probably talking a load of crap about you right now? People who don't actually know me.
65. Are your toenails painted pink? No.
66. Will your next kiss be a mistake? No.
67. Girls love it when boyfriends cry; correct? Depends on the reason.
68. Have your pants ever fallen down in public? No.
69. Who was the last person you were on the phone with? I can't even remember the last time I talked on the phone. Ooh wait - I made my pedicure appointment over the phone yesterday.
70. How do you look right now? Awesome :)
71. Do you have someone you can be your complete self around? I have someone that I can come pretty close to being my complete self around. Does that count?
72. Can you commit to one person? Like I said, that's how I roll.
73. Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to? Define "everything." :) That probably means no.
74. Have you ever felt replaced? Yup. One of the worst feelings. Ever.
75. Did you wake up cranky? Not this morning...
76. Are you a jealous person? I used to be, and not normally that way now unless given a reason to be...
77. Are relationships ever worth it? Yes. If nothing else, for the lessons.
78. Anyone you’re giving up on? Not currently.
79. Currently wanting to see anyone? Yup.
80. Name something you have to do tomorrow? Get out of bed at 5am. :/
81. Last person you cried in front of? Probably my mother.
82. Is there someone you will never forget? There's a few.
83. Do you think the person you have feelings for is protective of you? Yes.
84. If the person you wish to be with were with you, what would you be doing right now? This is not that kind of blog. *wink*
85. Are you over your past? Probably not.
86. Have you ever liked one of your best friends of the opposite sex? Yes, and that never works out well unless the feeling was mutual...which it wasn't.
87. Is there anyone you can tell EVERYTHING to? No.
88. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept? I would except them but that doesn't mean it would go anywhere beyond accepting the apology.
89. So, the last person you kissed just happens to arrive at your door at 3AM; do you let them in? Depends on what my living situation is at the time. If I was living alone, sure.
90. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated? No.
91. Will you be in a relationship in 2 months? No idea. Life is funny that way.
92. Is there anyone you know with the name Michael? Yup.
93. Have you ever kissed a Matthew? No.
94. Were you in a relationship in January? How was it going? No.
95. Were you happy with the person you liked in March? This past March? Umm I think so.
96. Don’t tell me lies, is the last person you texted attractive? Yes.
97. Who do you have texts from? Not a national secret, but it's no one's business either.
98. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say? Thank you for telling me, and I hope you're really happy. The end.
99. Have you ever kissed someone older than you? Yes.
100. Who’s in your profile picture with you? NKOTB.
101. Ever kissed under fireworks? No, but that might be nice. :)
102. Has anybody ever given you butterflies? Yes, it's the best.

Dear Santa....

2011-12-09T09:20:00.001-08:00

Dear Santa,

( ) I've been good all year.
( ) Ok, most of the time.
( ) Once in a while.
( X ) Fuck it. I'll buy my own shit.

Love,

*Disclosure - I didn't actually come up with this all on my own. I saw it floating around on the internet.

Online Window Shopping....Frontgate

2011-12-07T11:56:00.001-08:00

I discovered this online store while perusing that SkyMall magazine that's stuffed in that pocket on the back of the seat in front of you on planes. I have been fantasizing and drooling over many of the items in their magazines (as well as the featured homes of Frontgate customers) ever since. I keep telling myself...one day...

Without further ado, here's what I'm currently lusting after from Frontgate:

The Agresti Armoire with Safe. I have been looking for a good jewelry armoire now for a while so I can keep all my jewelry in one location...cheap and expensive alike. This armoire may just be the ticket...but it happens to be an insanely expensive ticket ($9,995)..so I'm just going to go on and continue to fantasize about buying a luxury home for my jewelry.

The Cuisinart Convection Toaster Oven. Yeah, I know you can get this like...everywhere else as well, but I happened to come across it while perusing the Frontgate website. This is actually one item that might make it into my kitchen as it retails for $179, at least on this site.

The Waring Professional Popcorn Maker. I mean COME ON! This is something I NEED! Don't believe me? Read this. The popcorn maker retails for $199 so yeah, this may be the perfect stocking stuffer....if you are so inclined. *hint hint*

Of course if you want to get all fancy on me, feel free to pony up this Old Time Popcorn Popper under the tree. This retails for $1,595. I won't be mad at ya.

Frontgate has some of the prettiest fireplace screens I've seen. My current favorite is this design called Etienne. It retails for $1,295.

The Bladeless Dyson Personal Heater/Fan. Ever since I saw the announcement of this little gem, I've been wanting one of these. Perfect all year round for my bedroom. It retails for $399.

I'm totally not giving this website justice on the items that they offer, but just check out the type of holiday decorations that sell. If you too want to start fantasizing or maybe even buy something if you are fortunate enough to be able to, check out the website...and be sure to wipe up the drool off of your keyboard periodically. Those keys tend to stick. :)

*Frontgate has no idea I exist. I just love the merchandise they offer. The end.

5am And I Are NOT Friends

2011-12-05T08:10:00.001-08:00

For a few different reasons, I begin my workweek waking at 5am, those reasons being train schedules, the time differences of many of my colleagues literally being on the other side of the world, etc. The thing is, no matter what time I go to bed the night before, no matter how many hours of sleep I get, the second that alarm goes off on my Blackberry, it physically hurts to open my eyes and drag my ass out of my warm bed. 6am on the other hand... well I'm up and bouncy as a bunny given a good sleep the night before. But that 5 am...that 5 am and I are NOT friends.

Something Always Brings Me Back To You...

2011-12-03T05:00:00.001-08:00

This song haunts me, and my head has been playing it on repeat lately. That Sara Bareilles keeps taking a swan dive into my head and heart and turns it into music. With the exception of the "keeping me down" part, it's kind of where my heart is at the moment. Ok fine. It's exactly where my heart is at the moment.

"Gravity"

Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone.

You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your rain.

Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.

You loved me 'cause I'm fragile.
When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone.

Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.

I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that you're everything I think I need here on the ground.
But you're neither friend nor foe though I can't seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down
You're on to me, on to me, and all over...

Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.

Online Window Shopping...Anthropologie

2011-12-03T05:00:00.000-08:00

'Tis the season for shopping, and since I'm trying to cut back drastically (not very successfully) on spending in general, I decided to torture myself with some online window shopping. Today's torture muse: Anthropologie. Truth be told I'm really not all that much of a fan of anything other than their kitchenware and tchochkes, but every once in a while there's a dress or top displayed in their store that catches my eyes.

Here are some of the things I'm already loving or lusting after on their website:

This is the Balloon White Wine Glass in turquoise. Isn't it lovely? It looks so delicate I can see myself shattering at least one of those if I ever ventured to buy a set. It retails for $16 a glass.

The mixed bristle large Mason Pearson hairbrush. I actually own and use one of these daily, and I LOVE it. If you take care of the brush, the hope is that it will last like...forever. And you're gonna want to hope it does because the sucker retails for $120. Yes, you can buy this brush at other outlets, but the price won't vary much. The brush is that good.

Latte bowls. Now I would be one to take the name of these bowls literally, fill the thing up with latte and drink right out of them...because that's just the kind of chick I am. However, these 18 oz. bowls from Portugal are the perfect size for portions of soup or cereal....and they're pretty too! They retail for $30 for a set of 6.

Celestial coasters in lime. I saw some of these in the store, and they are just gorgeous. What the photo isn't picking up is that there is a sparkle to them. And I love me some sparkle! These come in sets of various shades and retails for $32 for a set of 4.

Izmir measuring cups. Every time I'm in an Anthropologie and rummaging around their housewares area, I always find a new set of measuring cups or spoons that I wish I had in my kitchen. I know that seems odd, but just take a look at these. They're beautiful! They're hand painted, come in a set of 4 and retails for $32.

What are you wishing for during your window shopping excursions?

Me Too...

2011-12-02T11:25:00.000-08:00

"i find that when i’m actually happily and comfortably in love i spend a lot less time writing about love and more time just living and loving. ♥"

Christmas In Spirit

2011-12-02T08:34:00.001-08:00

I love Christmas. I really do. I love the decorations, the smells, the excitement of the season. And I love the food. But of course! So you would think that my house would be Santa Village central, right? Yeah, not so much.

What's up with that?

Well the last few years, I've either been sick around Thanksgiving - beginning of December, or I've been crazy busy at work. With no kids in the house, and it really being only me who gets the biggest kick out of the holidays, it just doesn't seem worth what little energy I have left to decorate. Honestly it's all I can do to get out Christmas cards on a certain level. That's not to say I don't have decorations or ornaments out the yin yang, because I do. I totally do. And every year I visit Costco or Target or some other Christmas pop up store in the mall and buy more fun trinkets to store in the ...uh decorate with.

This year I had really good intentions of putting up the tree. I wasn't going to be doing ANYTHING over Thanksgiving except make a small turkey dinner for my mom and I. I even got half the tree out of the garage.

(Side note: We have a nice fake 7 foot tree that we've had since I was probably 10 that's still in great shape. Yeah yeah, I know it's not the same, but I have a hard enough time trying to get decorations up. The last thing I need is to worry about keeping a tree alive for a month.)

But then on Thanksgiving evening I got all flu-like. And achy. And tired. And the rest of the tree never made it out of the garage. And I decided that this year it just wasn't going to happen either. I'm just going to celebrate Christmas in spirit again.

And yet in the back of my mind, I have visions of Christmas protruding out of every nook and cranny of my house with a tree sparkling with a thousand lights and presents piling up underneath...and cookies baking in the oven.

Giving Thanks

2011-11-23T09:06:00.001-08:00

Photo credit: The Holiday Spot.com

However you choose to celebrate the upcoming holiday, I hope you are able to have plenty to eat, plenty of loved ones close to you to celebrate with, and plenty to give thanks for all year 'round.

This Week's Manicure

2011-11-23T03:00:00.000-08:00

In the midst of the Yo Gabba Gabba madness of this last weekend, I also realized I needed to freshen up my french manicure I had going on. The last one was a UV gel version (sorry I didn't get a pic of that one), so it lasted really well obviously, but my nails had grown and you could see the growth under the white tips of the manicure. So. Not. Cute.

Have I mentioned that I love polished nails? Nice collection of all things pertaining to a manicure and pedicure... and yet I still go out and have it done more times than not. That's the laziness I guess. By the way, my favorite nail brands are Zoya followed by China Glaze. But I digress.

So I dug through my collection of stuff and pulled out these:

Photo credit: Me - Left to Right - Zoya Anchor Base Coat, Sephora by OPI A-ha Moment, China Glaze Fairy Dust, Seche Vite Top Coat

And turned those into this:

Photo credit: Me

Not bad freehanded white tips if I do say so myself.

Yo Gabba Gabba. Yes. I'm Serious

2011-11-22T10:21:00.001-08:00

So last weekend was a bit of a packed weekend for me. Let's just say there was an extra ticket to a show that I got invited to at the last minute...my favorite little nephew's (my cousin's kid) first concert of sorts (we're talking 5 and under here), complete with an afterparty. Thinking it was going to just be a few hours for this toddler fest, I figured sure, I'd help my aunt and uncle out who apparently spent a crazy amount on tickets and get to spend some time with the little guy. This Yo Gabba Gabba deal couldn't be that bad, right?

Well Saturday I woke up with a bad sinus headache. If you've ever had one of those, you know that they tend to amplify everything: sensitivity to sound, light, etc. and just make it that much worse. Popping in every OTC medication with coffee I had in my stash, I figured I could still make it through the day. After all, I couldn't disappoint the 4 year old who had by now been amped up with the news that I too would be coming to the show.

This is where having kids would have given me a heads up for what I was about to encounter. The show time was around the same time that pretty much every child in that theater would have been experiencing nap time. Let the wailing in that room begin! And it did. Up until this happened...

Not having ever seen an episode of Yo Gabba Gabba, I had no idea that towards the end of this Yo Gabba Gabba dance party I would experience this...

Can't tell who this dude is from the awesomeness of clarity the camera on my Blackberry produced? Here's a hint:

Oh baby yooooooouuuu...

Got what I neeeeeed.

But you say he's just a friend....you say he's just a friend.

OH BABY YOOUUUUU

Yes friends, that man would be Biz Markie, who is lovely with the children, but turned the last 15 minutes or so of the show into a flashback concert for the parents.

I gotta tell you that with the throbbing of my head, the flashing lights from the stage that is reminiscent of what I imagine experiencing an acid trip to be like, and the toddlers in desperate need of a nap, I was SO ready to be out of there.

But wait.

I had this:

Which meant this:

With every. freakin. member. of Yo Gabba Gabba. And story time. And another special appearance by Biz Markie.

Stick a fork in me. I was done.

Would I have shelled out $130 for that experience if it was my kid? Honestly, no, especially if that kid was under the age of 6 or 7. While the lights, the music, the choreography and the insane amounts of confetti depicting the leaves of fall, the snow of winter, and just plain confetti and streamers were effective in trying to hold these kids' attention, there were as many kids that could care less after the first 15 minutes. And the truth of the matter is if it were not for their parents, they would have never known about the live show and would have been perfectly happy with continuing to just watch it on tv.

How did my little guy enjoy it? At first he didn't know what to make of it. He's naturally a bit shy, but up until that point, he had just seen these characters on tv, so the entire experience was a little surreal. I know that feeling. While he liked meeting the characters and finally got to the point where he was able to go up to them and hug them for a picture, his one comment about the whole experience?

"It was too loud."

I agree little dude. I agree.

*All photos by me.

Stuff I Love: The Vampire Diaries

2011-11-22T03:00:00.000-08:00

Photo credit: I can't pinpoint who to credit for this photo since it's posted all over the internet without a credit, but probably a safe assumption to assume the CW and Warner Bros. have dibs.

There is just too much on TV to watch. I say this as someone who doesn't even have cable...or a satellite of any kind. That also means I don't have a DVR. What I do have is a home location that allows me to get the major networks through an antenna and a Blu-Ray player that's wifi connected so I can stream Netflix, Hulu Plus, etc. through my television. This has allowed me to catch up on TV shows that are either now on too late for me to watch (I'm up at 5am during the week) or shows on cable networks that I don't have access to. My latest obsession: The Vampire Diaries. As a lover of the Twilight novels, this is obviously a natural fit. The characters seem to be well cast, the writing is clever with definitely enough well placed plot twists to keep me interested, and there is just enough gore and suspense to provide me the thrill without being too much. Yes, I realize I'm late to this television show's lovefest. I mean, they're on like Season 3, right? Better late than never.

Stuff I Love: Westin's White Tea Aloe scent

2011-11-21T13:50:00.001-08:00

In January of 2006, I landed a project that had me traveling back and forth to the NYC/New Jersey area throughout that year. Comprehensively, I probably spent at least 5-6 months in a hotel while there....and that hotel was a Westin. From that experience I became a Westin devotee. At a certain point, the front desk staff greeted me by name when I walked into the lobby after arriving after my cross country flight on Sunday nights. They even started asking if I would like my margharita pizza ordered as well when I checked in, since I usually ended up ordering room service when I got into my room. I could go on about the list of comforting experiences I had there as I continued to stay throughout the year, but what I really wanted to tell you about is the scent of a Westin.

Walk into any Westin hotel, and you will smell this lovely fragrance (exclusive to Westin) wafting in the air of the lobby and carried over into their bath amenities in the restrooms and in the hotel rooms. As the Westin has become to feel like a second home, that fragrance instantly puts me at ease as if I was walking into the house and smelling my mom's cooking. I always knew they had a Home Collection website where you could order many of the items you experience during a stay there, but for whatever reason had not ventured over there until today.

Just look! There's like a whole scent system! I imagine they use something like this for their lobbies:

Photo credit: Westin At Home

Then there's of course the potpourri, the candle (full and travel sizes) and the oil diffuser. With the size and setup of my own home, at some point I'll probably get the oil diffuser...and the candle...haha. Of course, if you would like to carry the scent with you all day, they also have the shampoo, conditioner, body wash, body lotion, and soap. Honestly, I have so many from the hotel in my own personal collection, that I won't need to purchase the bath amenities for a while.

If you would like to peruse Westin's At Home offerings, just click here.

*This was a personal endorsement. I have not received any product or compensation for the opinion expressed in this post. Other than a being a rewards member of their Starwood Preferred Guest program, Westin hotels and/or Starwood has no clue I even exist. Just sayin'.

Blog Lovin

2011-11-21T12:19:00.001-08:00

I just signed up on Bloglovin because:

1) I just found out about it and

2) Why not?

It's actually a lot like Google Reader...but not. :) If you are so inclined, go ahead and click on the button below to follow my blog on there.

Stuff I Love: Push It Good...

2011-11-19T03:00:00.000-08:00

Around the time when I was in the 7th grade and just starting to hit the school dances full force, Salt N Pepa came out with a song called "Push It," and it Blew. My. Mind! I don't know if it was the beat, the lyrics (which quite honestly I never really comprehended what it was I was singing; I just went with it - now I understand the disapproving looks from the adults around me when I would belt them out), or the fact that two strong women were out there making awesome booty shaking music. Either way, from the very first time I heard the song until this day, the second those chords tickle my eardrums, my ass starts moving and my head starts bobbing around like a bobble head. It was even my ringtone for the longest time, and my co-workers would start dancing when my phone rang at work. It's the only song that through the years has not lost its charm on me. What's the song that makes you get up and move without fail?

Breaking Dawn...the Wedding

2011-11-18T15:48:00.001-08:00

Photo credit: Yahoo Movies

Well of course Breaking Dawn was more than just the wedding...there was like a honeymoon...and a "demon" infant...but I'm getting ahead of myself.

Hats off to the director of this feature. It brought back the essence and emotion of the very first Twilight movie and was very necessary to visually capture the tone of Breaking Dawn. Those of us who have inhaled the books (I managed to read all 4 in a week, foregoing sleep because I just. couldn't. put. the. books. down.) have not only waited for the first movie to arrive, but we impatie...uh...patiently waited for this one. The buildup to this wedding has been insane, and in my opinion, it was perfect. The setting, the dress, the shoes, the background music, the way the director edited the entire sequence...were all perfection. And you know, for my dislike of the casting of Kristen Stewart as Bella from the beginning, I actually found myself *gasp* enjoying her performance.

Unfortunately, something happened with the power in my theater and the screen went blank and the lights came up right about the time the Bella's unborn baby was literally sucking the life right out of her. That was SO not even amusing.

While the last couple of movies in the Twilight series left me less than raving about them, this one completely satisfied what I had envisioned while reading the books. If you're a fan, run, don't walk to the theater...but then, you've probably already seen it during the midnight showing last night.

Did You Want Something?

2011-11-18T10:24:00.001-08:00

The next time you want to butter me up to ask me to do something, it's probably a good idea to show up with this....

Photo provided by skinnynomore

A couple of helpful tips...there better be butter grilled into the bread or you can keep it...and a little red chili pepper and bit of cream goes a long way into making a good tomato soup into a fabulous tomato soup!

Now uh...did you say you wanted something? :)

A Little Update....

2011-11-08T13:07:00.000-08:00

So those signs I was going on and on about in my last post? Well, I still believe they were signs, and I still believe in signs, but I've put things back into perspective.

Would it be amazing to attend the NKOTBSB show in Oslo on my birthday next year? Absolutely. Is it a sign that that's where they're scheduled to do a show on my birthday? Sure. Logistically speaking, however, while possible, it's so not something I want to willingly navigate. It would literally take a full day of traveling there and a full day of traveling back. Considering that I can't stay longer than 4 days during that timeframe, it's sooo not worth it. I haven't even mentioned the expense - though I could actually get a decent roundtrip fare to and from Oslo. Unless I win the lottery or some miraculous thing happens with the logistics, it's not something I'm willing to move heaven and earth for. Or shall I say, those boys are not people I'm willing to move heaven and earth for.

In other news, I experienced Hell Week Parts I and II where I literally felt like I was mentally being run into the ground at work. The thing was, it wasn't even the worst professional circumstances I've been in. For some reason it was just so mentally exhausting. I think I've recovered from that, but I'm really having a hard time getting my focus back on other things at work that I had to push to the wayside during Hell Week. Maybe I haven't yet recovered.

Not helping my lack of focus...time spent with my manfriend. He gets me all kinds of messed up, and he knows it. We always have limited time when we do get to see each other, but no matter how long that time is, it never seems like enough. And every time I see him, every time he kisses me and touches me and holds me, I fall for him more. At certain point there's going to be a freefall, and at this point there's nothing I can do about it except hope that the fall doesn't hurt this time.

"I hope that you catch me, 'cause I'm already fallin'..."

Signs

2011-10-24T11:23:00.000-07:00

I'm a big believer in signs, especially in those that involve timing. Today, it's all I can think about because of a realization I had. I haven't talked much about the New Kids in a while. The truth is that everything I needed for closure from my teenage years and subsequent with the respect to the New Kids happened...and I got closure. I don't feel the need or desire to go on the cruise next year. I don't feel the need or desire to travel the country or, in the case of 2012, Europe, to see the boys perform again.

And then the realization.

New European dates were announced today and were listed in an email with presale information sent to all fanclub members. Yes, I will remain a fanclub member. It's the lazy chick's way to keep up with what's happening if you can no longer be bothered to do the legwork yourself. I didn't even scroll down the list of cities as I thought, "I'm not going to Europe. Why do I care?"

And then I saw a tweet in my timeline from a London twitter friend who mentioned that flights to Oslo were cheap in May. And that got my curiosity going. So I went back to that email and scrolled down the list to find Oslo...and there it was.

Oslo. May 14.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

The last 2 years I spent on a cruise with the New Kids on my birthday. This year they will be in my birthplace. On my birthday. Are you serious?!?!?

I haven't been in Oslo since I was 2. My mom and I have been wanting to make the trip back so she can show me what she remembers, but we keep putting it off for one reason or another.

You know what else happened? That presale was supposed to happen today and they POSTPONED it to later in the week. Just for that concert.

I don't even know what to do with myself. But I do know that if I was meant to be there, somehow life will put me in Oslo next May.

This is similar to when there was a one-time only New Kids Christmas show at the House of Blues in Boston. I wasn't supposed to be in Boston the night of the show. In fact, originally I wasn't even supposed to arrive until a week later. But then I got laid off and my time was a bit more "flexible" so the Boston vacation schedule was moved up. Even then I was supposed to be flying home the morning of the show. And then a massive blizzard hit that kept me in Boston. And the blizzard kept many that were supposed to flying in town for the show from doing so, and I was able to get a ticket. But with that I'm not clear I'm not sure if the timing worked out so perfectly so I could be in town to see the New Kids...or so I could be in town to see another friend (an entirely different story)...either way, the timing worked out beautifully.

So here's the situation. I may or may not be in my birthplace on my birthday next year. Clear as mud. :)

I Don't Even Know What To Say...

2011-10-23T17:29:00.000-07:00

Do you ever have those days where you can't seem to say or do anything right? That's me today. Of course the barometer I'm using to measure this is my mother...and Lord knows that on days like today, it's usually not the most reliable of measuring techniques.

It seems my mother and I are both having an emotional day and that makes for a very combustible environment. It feels like high school all over again, and I'm realizing the very real possibility that regardless of my accomplishments as a woman and adult, that my mother may never see me as an adult. She'll never allow me to make my own decisions and possibly the mistakes I need to make without putting me through verbal hell first, and I'm totally rebelling in the adolescent conversation we seem to continue to have.

I fully take responsibility for my part in this. I mean, I know I'm not the only adult daughter to turn back into the insecure teenage girl when her mother relives ancient arguments that never seem to rest in the grave of arguments past where they belong. I don't even know what comes over me, but I find myself just being brutally honest about what I'm hearing and what I'm seeing, and I continuously point out the hypocritical accusations coming out of my mother's mouth.

My mother: "You are SO critical of everything I do!"

Me (eyes wide): "Are you being serious right now? Hello kettle. You're black."

I don't know why I can't be the bigger person and just keep my mouth shut, but God she just hits all of my buttons like I know I hit hers. While we are VERY different individuals in our views on the world and how to live in it, we are so similar in many ways too.

It's days like today that I realize how alone I really am. I have my mother in my life, but I don't really have her with me. As far as everyone else...well that feels all up in the air too. How did I get here?

Oh Thank God It's Friday Again

2011-10-21T09:30:00.000-07:00

You know for all of the weeks that go by sooooo sloooooowly to get to those Fridays and fun planned weekends with family, friends or a certain special friend, this week seemed to go by super quick. I'm not complaining, but it's one of those weeks at work where I could use an extra day or two so I don't feel so stressed about BIG IMPENDING DEADLINES.

Of course as a break from the busy chaos, your mind tends to wander to random things as a form of relief. Mine seemed to be on overdrive.

A sampling of my week of random thoughts:

1. I could really use some coffee today. I think I might break down and get some.

2. Really? My email was literally 1 sentence long. 10 words and a please. How was that not clear?

3. Ooooh cheese fries!

4. I love it when people are actually doing what they are supposed to be doing.

5. British accents are lovely.

6. Does this chair make my ass look big?

7. Why doesn't he answer my text? Even just acknowledge that it made it across the ocean with a smile? Like, how hard is that? I don't need a manifesto.

8. Wow those pills really did mute my emotions a bit and screwed with my body chemistry. My body is thanking me for the break. Can't wait to start prescription #3 and see if this one is a winner. Third time's a charm, right? And by pills I mean THE Pill. I'm no druggie.

9. Man, I'm horny. #8 has totally worn off. Of course, NOW it wears off.

10. Dear crazy girl shaking your ass on this BART train like you're up in da club. This ain't no club. Sit it down already.

11. Ah McDreamy - you're back to "normal" and all Dreamy again. Thank you Shonda Rhimes. Now as for McSteamy - please get that man laid...he's still hot but you've turned him into a pansy and for him that's so not hot. I'm totally objectifying here - but that's what he's there for in that show. Am I right?

12. Revenge. Damn I love that show. Maybe because I see a lot of myself in the main character...you know, if I got pushed over the edge. Though I tend to rely on karma. Karma tends to make things right better than I could ever plan.

13. I wonder what would happen if I just picked up and left? Just dropped off the face of the earth for a while. Fiji sounds nice. Or maybe like Bali or something. Would anyone even notice? I mean, besides my mother and my client.

Random pic found on a Google search

13. Why won't this guy just send me the files already? I know they're done. What is it with men this week? Are they just purposefully trying to be difficult?

14. I need a nap. Obviously.

15. I kinda miss working in retail or food service. It's the face time with the customers and their energy. I feed off of that. Maybe I'll open up a boutique cafe. How fun would that be? You know, if people actually came to it. :)

16. Ahhhh coffee. Yes, I broke down. Shut it. It's Friday. :)

You Will Never....

2011-10-14T08:56:00.000-07:00

No idea where this photo came from

You would have and will never see me in anything like these, even back in high school and college when I totally would have rocked them....though I did have some pretty short shorts back in the day. Wow, I've become such a prude.

Take Me Away....

2011-10-11T15:51:00.000-07:00

Today has been one of those days where I think - that's it, I'm booking a week at a spa. By myself. It's not that I'm particularly frustrated, pissed or overly exhausted. I'm just drained. Physically and mentally. I feel like there's too much coming at me at once, and I just want to step out of my life, if only for a week. Not only do I want to step out of my life. I want go somewhere where I am forced to physically and mentally detox. The first time I felt this way and actually did something about it, I booked a week at Spa Eastman, which is about an hour outside of Montreal in Quebec. Yes, Canada. Yes, the French speaking part of Canada. I had only seen pictures (which look EXACTLY like what I saw when I got to the resort), but it looked beautiful, peaceful and well priced. For the cost of my entire stay at Spa Eastman, including additional spa services I ended up booking on top of my package and all of my travel costs, I paid the same price for receiving about half of a comparable stay at a spa here in my own state.

That week I detoxed in every way imaginable. Very little English was spoken, so I could zone out all of the chatter around me much like I do during family dinners as one of the only family members who does not speak Mandarin. I didn't have a computer with me, and my phone didn't work well where we were. Other than the communication detox, the first couple of days was a complete physical detox. Between the numerous massages, pure organic food and lack of caffeine just in the first two days, I became physically ill and ended up sleeping it off for about 16 hours. But I tell you, when I woke up, I literally felt reborn. It was amazing.

That reborn feeling? On days like today I just keep dreaming about what that felt like, and I desperately long to feel that again. Like right now.

Photo credit: Spa Eastman

Stuff I Love: Popcorn

2011-10-07T02:00:00.000-07:00

Let's get one thing out of the way about me....

I love popcorn. Yes I know this is a completely random piece of information, but to really know me is to know this fact. How much do I love popcorn?

Exhibit A:

Photo credit: My dad

Yes, that is a HUGE bag of popcorn purchased at the old Price Club...the original warehouse bonanza of a store. I was probably about 7 years old in this photo. And yes, I did consume that entire bag. By myself. I can't tell from the picture whether or not I had braces on yet, but do you know what one of the big no-no's in wearing braces is? That's right. No popcorn. I had braces on and off for 7 years (that's an entirely different story), and thus I had many emergency trips to the orthodontist to repair broken wires in my braces due to my blatant disregard for this no-no. No popcorn? Yeah, right.

I had my appendix removed when I was about 11 years old. This was prior to the laparoscopic surgery that they use these days, so I was cut wide open and have this nice not so little scar on my abdomen to show for it. I had to wait about 2 days or so before I could have solid food after surgery. You think this foodie-in-the-making was going to introduce her palate to solid food by ingesting hospital food? My mom brought me lo mein noodles and yes, you guessed it, popcorn. That, my friends, was my first meal.

These days I'm more likely to throw some popcorn in a paper bag or glass container and pop it in the microwave...and of course then drown it in salted butter. In my opinion, if you're going to have fresh popcorn, there is really no other way to eat it...except to drown in it salted butter.

If I want to get really fancy or just develop a massive craving, I order a shipment of Garrett's Popcorn from Chicago. If you're not going to make it yourself, by all means, get it from the best. They make it fresh and ship it overnight so that you can eat it while it's still fresh. My recommendation? The Chicago Mix. A tremendous mix of their CheeseCorn and CaramelKrisp. Salty, cheesy and sweet blended together at its finest. I'm not even gonna lie. I won't share my stash of Garrett's. I may buy you your own if it comes to that, but you aren't getting mine.

This a picture from the last time I ordered a shipment...in 2009. Yes, I'm way overdue for another shipment. Christmas is coming up...just sayin...you know, for those that might be so inclined... :)

Photo credit: Me

And if I'm just plain lazy or running tight in the budget to order Garrett's? Well my go-to store bought popcorn was this one:

Photo credit: Popcorn Indiana

I was living down in Santa Barbara a few years ago the first time I tried it, and I thought it was the best tasting buttered popcorn that was pre-made. The key - they actually use real butter for the butter flavor. I know. Genius, right?

Well my friend introduced me to this popcorn:

Photo credit: Frito Lay

I have to admit, I've seen it in stores, but I never ventured to try it. I'm a Taurus. I'm loyal to a fault. And I was loyal to my Movie Theater popcorn...until my man friend placed an opened bag of Smartfood under my nose a few weeks ago. And just like that I have a new go-to favorite that I can pretty much find in any store as it's way more widely available than my Movie Theater popcorn was. What can I say? I may be loyal to a fault, but I also value quality...and the opinions of my tastebuds. :)

Popcorn - are you a fan? What are your favorites and favorite ways to eat it?

iThankYou

2011-10-06T08:39:00.000-07:00

Photo credit: Jonathan Mak

I was sitting on the train yesterday on my way home from work, finally taking some time to scroll through Twitter, when the news popped up. I had to read it twice to believe it. Funny how I haven't been on Twitter to read much in the last few weeks, but the times that I do are the times when the information I need to see happens to scroll across my timeline. Also interesting is that news you knew would be coming one day in the near future also manages to feel unexpected and devastating when it does arrive. I am surprised at how profoundly sad I feel about this loss, until I look back and understand why.

I remember when I was around 9 or 10 and going with my parents to the computer store. It was the mid-80's and technology was still just on the verge of exploding. I mean, not all that long before we had just gotten our first VCR and that totally blew my mind! We left that store with a couple of boxes that had a rainbow colored apple on it. My dad and I spent all that evening and most of the next weeks setting up our brand new Apple IIc and exploring what it could do. That computer bonded my dad and I even more as we played those primitive first "games" on there. I still have that computer. In its original packaging.

Over the years I moved away from Apple and fully into PCs as that was the platform used by my universities and subsequent firms that I worked for as I entered the workforce. My love for the beautifully visual Apple products never waned, however, as I wandered through the Apple stores and explored the latest and greatest in innovation. Even now when driving by the Apple campus, seeing that logo on the signs that grace the street puts a smile on my face.

The man behind all of this, of course, was Steve Jobs. I'm not going to go through a timeline of his life and accomplishments. You can read about him pretty much anywhere at this point - and you'll continue to hear about him as people take in this extraordinary loss - not only to the world of technology and innovation, but to all of us dreamers out there. You see maybe even more than the innovation he inspired, he represented what could be. He represented what was possible. For what could happen if it never crossed your mind that it wasn't possible.

For inspiring the imaginations and dreams for so many, including this girl who hasn't yet done much with them, iThankYou.

This

2011-10-03T15:20:00.001-07:00

Photo credit: image found on Google search

Stepping Back...

2011-10-03T11:06:00.000-07:00

Photo credit: image found on Google search

When life is moving at warp speed, it's easy to get caught up in it. It's exciting. It feels like you're part of something bigger...that it's not just you out there hacking it out in the world alone. It feels tremendous. You start to believe that everyone you come into contact with has been placed there in your path to help you, to befriend you. You start to trust in situations and people where you would have immediately questioned intentions before. You start to let walls down. You start to let people in. You start to throw caution to the wind. And why wouldn't you? Good things and experiences reinforce the "good intentions" that are coming your way. The right things are being said at the right times. The right gestures are being made. Before you know it, you really start believing it. You've thrown a proverbial wet blanket right over those little nagging gut reactions and messages that are still trying to get through because they're raining on the parade that just feels so good.

I may have thrown a wet blanket over my gut, but they still crept into my neck, upper back and shoulders. Apparently not only do I store my tension there, my pent-up unreleased emotions reside in that space too. How do I know? Last Friday I had a Thai massage after work. I try to get these a few times throughout the year. I get regular massages in general. The Thai method, however, is the only one that really gets all of my tension out of every part of my body - literally from the top of my head to my toes. It all gets worked on.

I expected to feel relaxed, which I did. What I didn't expect was the crazy roller coaster of emotions that I rode on the entire rest of the weekend. It was really surprising quite honestly. I didn't expect all of the feelings that came pouring out of me. Saturday I just felt like I was walking around in a fog. I didn't feel sick, but I didn't feel good. Sunday I woke up and all I wanted to do was cry...which I did. A really good sob. Usually when that happens I end up feeling pretty light and good after. But I just felt spent. And then I felt like purging my house...which I started to do.

Where did this flood of emotion end up leaving me today? Well, I still feel pretty spent. And more than anything I'm pulling back. Taking a break from Twitter. Taking a break from Facebook. Taking a break from socializing in general. After what I went through this weekend, I've obviously have been neglecting me emotionally over the last few weeks, months, years? Time to re-evaluate friendships, relationships, certain decisions. Things where I know I've ignored that little voice that's telling me to do the opposite of what I ended up doing.

Does that mean I'm going to blog less? (I know, I know. It's not like I blog all that much now.)

I don't know.

I'm just...

Stepping back....into myself.

This! Oh yes, this....

2011-09-30T13:45:00.000-07:00

Photo credit: image found on Google search

Yeah, Probably...

2011-09-27T14:17:00.000-07:00

This

2011-09-25T19:40:00.000-07:00

Stuff I Love: Crazy Stupid Love

2011-09-23T09:51:00.000-07:00

Have I written about this movie other than I had wanted to see it a while back? Because I should have. Besides Bridesmaids (which came out on DVD this week and is totally worth being in your collection, so like...go get it!) and The Help, this is one of the best movies I've seen so far this year. LOVED IT!

The dialogue is awesome, smart, funny and honest. The scenes are intelligently edited to really take the viewer on a ride through the story. The acting...well you have Steve Carrell, Ryan Gosling, Julianne Moore, Emma Stone, Marisa Tomei, with Kevin Bacon and Josh Groban making brief appearances as well. I mean, come on! Really. Go see this one. In a theater.

Yes, Yes I Do. SO. Much.

2011-09-23T09:19:00.000-07:00

Sad But True

2011-09-22T18:47:00.000-07:00

This

2011-09-21T06:00:00.000-07:00

It's not that I don't have anything to write lately on here. It's just that I'm coming across all of these great graphics that are speaking to me at the moment, so I thought I'd share.

This

2011-09-20T08:00:00.000-07:00

This

2011-09-20T06:00:00.000-07:00

It's as if I wrote this...

Stuff I Love: Hooked on Pinterest

2011-09-19T22:41:00.000-07:00

I only began exploring and experimenting on the site called Pinterest in the last week or two, but I am totally hooked. I love how I can "pin" my favorite things on virtual boards like I would an idea book or a scrapbook or even a corkboard.

To get to know me even more and what I like from a visual standpoint beyond what you see here, this is totally the place to go:

This. I Think This Is My Theme For the Week

2011-09-19T15:59:00.000-07:00

Stuff I Love: Fix You...

2011-09-11T16:51:00.001-07:00

This song seems appropriate today. Appropriate because the country came together to try to fix the broken hearts and souls that were literally shattered ten years ago. And we're still trying to fix it.

Lately (like in the last few years) it's a song that always seems to come on the radio when I'm driving alone at night with my heart hurting. This is a song that I've been living my entire life it seems - with me being the one to fix things. Make them better.

But in the last 5-7 years or so, it's a song that breaks my heart instead of makes me feel stronger. It breaks my heart because I've come to realize that I don't know if there's truly ever been a time in my life that I could trust that there was someone strong enough in my life to wrap their heart and soul around me, protect me and "fix me." To step outside of themselves and just be there for me. It seems so selfish of me to even feel that way, but I know that I too deserve what I have so freely given. One day I hope to know that feeling. Safe.

We Will Never Forget....

2011-09-09T15:45:00.000-07:00

Photo source: Flicker/macten

I wasn't expecting to still be so emotional regarding September 11. I guess more so that I didn't expect the raw pain and sadness to still feel so fresh. It's been said that you'll always remember where you were when you heard about September 11. I'll never forget it because I learned about it when I turned on the television that morning and saw the plane hit the second tower. Live.

I was in public accounting at a Big 4 firm at the time and working on the financial statements of a small private company. I had woken up early to try to get through as much of those statements as I could at home before heading into the office and possibly heading out to the client later that day. As usual, one of the first things I did was turn on the Today Show. I like to have the background noise going and have been that way ever since I can remember. In the first minute or two I wasn't paying attention to what was happening on that tv screen - until I heard either Katie (Couric) or Matt (Lauer) say something about a plane hitting one of the towers of the World Trade Center. And then I looked up. And saw the second plane hit and an explosion. And for a second both the people in my television and the rest of the world went silent as our collective brains tried to comprehend what we had just witnessed. As the events continued to unfold that morning I still tried to remain focused on my immediate task in front of me and make sure that I didn't disappoint my client and the powers that be that they had to answer to. That lasted all of about another 15 minutes after news of the plane hitting the Pentagon came out. And then the news of Flight 93. That's when I put the pencil down.

United Flight 93 was a flight that went from Newark, NJ to SFO. It's a flight that I had taken before. It's a flight that I would be taking many times in the near future subsequent to September 11 - though obviously at the time I didn't know that. Ever since that day the thought has crossed my mind - "If my travel schedule had been different...."

As much as I stayed glued to the television and the internet for any new information about what the heck was happening in the US, as usual under traumatic circumstances my brain went into autopilot and focused on the logistics of the immediate tasks at hand. I still tried here and there to continue on with my job. Part of that job was trying to get into contact with the CFO of this small private company I was working on. In the early afteroon, I had not heard back from him, which was unusual. He was always very prompt no matter what was happening. I finally called the Accounting Manager, Anna. It's funny the details you remember and those you don't. I can't for the life of me remember the name of the client, nor can I remember the name of the CFO, but I can totally recall the name of the person who broke the news to me of why I couldn't get in touch with the CFO.

Anna told me that the CFO wouldn't be coming in that day, nor would he be available for any kind of further communication, and she wasn't sure when he would be. You see, the CFO was engaged to a girl who lived in New York City. They had been maintaining a long distance relationship because he was hired for this CFO position in California. There had been numerous trips back and forth over the course of the prior year as she made plans to move to the West coast. I knew that the wedding was coming up and his fiance was making arrangements to finally live over on our side of the country. What I didn't expect was what Anna told me next, which completely knocked the wind right out of me.

The reason I couldn't get in touch with the CFO was because the CFO's fiance was on Flight 93. This was to be the flight that brought her to live with her future husband permanently. I still have no words for what I felt right at that moment for him, for her, for our country, for humanity.

The CFO never fully made it back to work after that day. The devastation was too much. I'm not sure he's doing well, but I'm hoping he's been able to have healed enough to continue on really living life. It's amazing how many people are either directly affected or are separated by so few degrees of someone directly affected. I happened to be in New Jersey - right across the river from New York City on one of the anniversaries of 9/11. It might have even been the 5th anniversary, and the energy felt very surreal that evening as the lights of remembrance lit up the sky where the towers once stood.

On this tenth anniversary, I'm surprised at how raw this still feels for me. I can't even imagine what it feels like for those left behind, for those in NY, in and around the Pentagon, in Pennsylvania and the thousands of others who rushed to Ground Zero to do what they could. One thing is for certain. We will never forget.

Head. Desk.

2011-09-08T10:18:00.000-07:00

Remember my post a couple of days ago regarding purging? Well another thing I purged was....wait for it...coffee.

Those of you who know me know I love my caffeine and my main source of it being coffee. There hasn't been a day in forever where there wasn't a visit to Starbucks, Peets or some other coffee establishment to get my fix first thing in the morning so I could "function." I had noticed that the effect was diminishing so I also began having an afternoon "pick me up." In the last couple of months however, I realized how excessive I've been with it. Actually my stomach and digestive system have realized how excessive I've been with it and began revolting on me complete with heartburn that hasn't allowed me a really good night's sleep in a while. Notice I didn't say I cut out caffeine...just coffee. The truth is the caffeine in tea and other drinks don't really give me any kind of "kick" and regardless if I drink these refreshments in place of coffee, my body always feels like it's going through withdrawal. What does that mean? That means on Day 1 there's exhaustion where my brain and body function in slow motion to the point where it's noticeable to people besides me. Day 2 brings on more exhaustion and a migraine to keep the fatigue company. Day 3 is a much less painful version of the combination of Day 1 and Day 2. By Day 4, I'm usually free of the detox symptoms and can just focus on breaking the habit of the addiction.

So where am I in my current detox? Day 3 and this time there has been no sighting of a migraine in any of my detox days. Thank God! I have started taking 1000mg of L-Arginine due to the endorsement of Dr. Oz for relaxing blood vessels and allow better blood flow to the extremeties, so that may have helped me avoid the dreaded migraine. But what has increased is the fatigue involved. It's Day 3 and I currently feel like this:

Photo source: LateNightFashion

Ask Me A Number

2011-09-07T15:01:00.000-07:00

I've seen a number of these come through my Google Reader, but I always shied away from actually re-posting any of them on my blog because...well, I would probably not answer half the questions publicly on the list if asked. But this list? This list I could answer. So go on. Ask me. :)

Photo source: I have no idea, and I take no credit for this one.

Purging

2011-09-06T13:52:00.000-07:00

Over the last few weeks I have begun the process of purging from my life. No need to call in the professionals. I'm not referring to an eating disorder here. I'm referring to a life clutter disorder. I'm totally not a hoarder by any stretch of the imagination, but I do tend to accumulate things I like. And I like a lot of things. The problem is that I don't need a lot of those things. And a lot of those things rarerly get touched and appreciated once acquired. So it's time to let them go.

What kinds of things am I letting go of? Subscriptions to magazines and other services that I'm just not using to its full value. For instance, I love magazines. I love looking at the pictures. I love reading the articles. I just love good magazines. I probably had about 6 magazine subscriptions going. To be fair a couple of those were given to me for free. *Thanks Starwood Preferred Guest Program* But I didn't keep up with them, and now there are 3 - 3 ft tall stacks of magazines sitting next to my bed waiting to be read. No, I'm not kidding. So bye-bye subscriptions. I've also put a sabbatical on my Netflix subscription because I most definitely have not been watching any movies from them in the last few months - or like 6. There are neatly folded stacks and stacks and stacks of clothes that need to be sorted and mostly given away. That's probably going to be the area where I'm just going to have to get really real about whether certain clothes are ever going to get worn...or worn again.

I'm also letting go of people and "friendships" that no longer are positive forces in my life - and maybe never were positive to begin with. The kicker with that one is that they probably won't even realize that they've been "let go." I guess they technically haven't been "let go." More like demoted to acquaintance status.

They say your environment around you is a reflection of what is going on inside of you. This purge is long overdue.

This

2011-09-06T08:10:00.001-07:00

“I heard what you said. I’m not the silly romantic you think. I don’t want the heavens or the shooting stars. I don’t want gemstones or gold. I have those things already. I want a steady hand, a kind soul. I want to fall asleep, and wake, knowing my heart is safe.”

- Shana Abé

The Dementors

2011-09-01T13:39:00.000-07:00

Came across this quote today in my Google Reader:

“It’s so difficult to describe [depression] to someone who’s never been there, because it’s not sadness, I know sadness. Sadness is to cry and to feel. But it’s that cold absence of feeling—that really hollowed-out feeling. That’s what Dementors are.” ~J.K. Rowling

In my blog I try to not create an environment of downers. I mean, there are plenty of those sites out there already. Am I right? But I do use it to express myself. What's happening with me. What inspires me. Things I like. Prose about me in general. Sure, I can express only the positives of how awesome I am. But that wouldn't be a completely honest representation of who I am. And it would be really one dimensional and superficial, both of which I'm most definitely not. So this quote is one of the things that caught my eye today.

Depression is so hard to describe to someone and have them really get it. Even saying it's the absence of feeling for most people is a foreign concept. Suffering means you're feeling. Sad means you're feeling. People get that. But depression means you're just existing. Literally just breathing.

This is not a state that I'm currently in, and I hope that this never invades my life again, but it does inherently live in me. It is something that I am unfortunately, genetically pre-disposed to. And I still have my moments. But with a lot of personal development work on understanding the hows and whys and working through my own triggers, I know there's an end to the tunnel and that it doesn't go on forever. I just have to hang on and move forward, even if I'm numb and can't feel a thing. I just need to keep going through the motions until I can feel again. And I will always feel again.

Sometimes the Curtains Are Just Blue

2011-08-31T14:30:00.000-07:00

English Literature was one of my favorite classes in both high school and college. So much so that I believe I took a few different variations of the class in college, and I may still have the textbooks in a box somewhere out in the garage. How I didn't end up an English major - well I was going to say I'll never know, but the truth is I know exactly why I didn't. What do you do with that degree that makes money?

As much as I loved the content of the class, the English Lit instructors sometimes - ok most times - left a lot to be desired. I came across a graphic in my blog reading that perfectly explains some of my frustrations during class lectures about some gorgeous literature that we had been assigned to read in the previous class:

Photo source: I have no idea, and I take no credit for this one.

Sometimes the curtains were just fucking blue.

I'm Trying Marilyn...I'm Trying

2011-08-30T13:03:00.000-07:00

Photo source: I have no idea, and I take no credit for this one.

Rules Of A Gentleman

2011-08-29T13:41:00.000-07:00

In my daily blog reading, I came across a few posts from a Tumblr called "Rules of a Gentleman." I believe there's one out there called "Rules of a Lady" as well. Anyhow, it looks like people submit "rules" to be posted on this site. Truth be told most of these "rules" look like they were submitted by those under the age of 20 who have yet to formulate really thought provoking rules. But there were a couple that stood out for me:

Photo source: Rules of a Gentleman

My current manfriend called me "Beautiful" all of the time in the beginning of our correspondence. I'm guessing he did it with all of the females he was interested in but it made me feel more than just someone he was trying to pick up on (yes, I totally realize how naive that line of thinking is). Now he calls me "Sexy" and I'm sure he's not intending for it to feel like a downgrade in what he thinks or feels for me, but honestly, it kinda feels like that. I'm conflicted by it though because 99.9% of the time, sexy is not how I think of myself. At all. So the fact that he does - well, I love it. As long as he still thinks I'm beautiful too.

I found this one from a different tumblr but along the same lines as the one above:

Photo source: Etiquette for a Gentleman

This one is self explanatory, no?

So Put On Your Best Boys...and I'll Wear My Pearls...

2011-08-26T10:24:00.000-07:00

When the song, "If I Die Young" by The Band Perry first came out on country radio, I would instantly flip the station. "It's a pretty song, but how morbid," I would think. And then they kept playing it. And playing it. And playing it. And then pop radio started to pick it up like they have with Lady Antebellum's songs. And then I found myself absorbing the lyrics, singing it and thinking, these are the lyrics I would have used had I wrote a song about the same subject - especially the bridge:

So put on your best boys

And I'll wear my pearls

What I never did is done

A penny for my thoughts

Oh no I'll sell 'em for a dollar

They're worth so much more

After I'm a goner

And maybe then you'll hear

The words that I've been singing

Funny when you're dead

How people start listening...

Yeah, I still find it a bit morbid, but soulful, honest and sweet at the same time. So if you know me in my real life and hear me humming the melody or singing the lyrics, don't be alarmed. It's just a catchy tune with lyrics that spoke to my heart, and if I'm really forthcoming, probably spoke from my own soul at one point in time.

I Swear...

2011-08-25T14:21:00.000-07:00

Photo source: Blueberry Girl

In Love With A Closet

2011-08-25T09:41:00.000-07:00

Photo source: InStyle magazine

Every once in a while I randomly come across a picture of Mariah Carey's closet. Wait. Let me clarify. I come across a picture of the shoe portion of her closet. Yes there is a difference. Her closet is massive. I'm guessing it's about the size of my entire townhouse...or bigger. Her closet is like a department store in and of itself. And I want to move in. :)

One Day - The Movie

2011-08-24T15:16:00.000-07:00

Photo source: I have no idea and I take no credit for this one

I realized I never wrote about seeing this. Probably because my heart was as traumatized by the movie as the book. Even my mom who hadn't read the book prior to seeing the movie walked out of there like someone had told her the sun would never shine again. I can't imagine if she had read the book and was able to remember some of the passages of the thoughts of the characters in certain moments that weren't portrayed in the movie. But it's a good movie. It's worth seeing because it feels like a very honest portrayal of a love story that develops over 20 years. It's a beautiful story. One worth investing some emotion.

Stuff I Love: All Eyes On Me When I Walk In....

2011-08-22T12:47:00.000-07:00

Although not fully recovered from my week of feeling like Shit on Toast, I heard this song over the weekend again in a store, and I found myself strutting around that store singing those lyrics in my head..."All eyes on me when I walk in. No question that this girl's a 10. Don't hate me 'cause I'm beautiful. Don't hate me 'cause I'm beautiful..." "My walk, my talk, the way I dress...it's not my fault so please don't trip. Don't hate me 'cause I'm beautiful..." I would be lying if I said I didn't feel that way sometimes.

I now have this song on repeat to help get me through this Monday...

49ers vs. Raiders

2011-08-22T10:22:00.000-07:00

Photo source: Me and my Blackberry...my seats weren't bad, huh? :)

The title of this post should have been enough warning for me to stay away from this pre-season 1 game match-up battle of the Bay. The battle wasn't so much between the actual professional ballers...but between the fans as was evidenced by the headlines that came out of that game.

I didn't think too much of it when my college BFF innocently texted me with "I got free season holder tickets for the 49'ers/Raiders game next Saturday at Candlestick. Wanna go?" Uh sure. I had that Saturday free, and I hadn't been to a professional football game since I was 16...and even then it was really to perform with my high school marching band for the Chicago Bears halftime show and not actually to watch the game. Candlestick would be meeting its demise here shortly, and it would be a real shame if I'd never actually been to the park once before it goes. Look at me rationalizing. I'm good at that. Rationalizing a situation.

My only hesitation was that it would could get nasty out in the stands quickly....especially with the alcohol that I imagined was being consumed tailgating before a 5pm game...

My above concern was not alleviated as I made my way from the parking lot to the stadium passing a plethora of empty beer, vodka and whiskey bottles along the way. Chants and trash talking between the fans getting louder and louder...

My BFF and I were there for all of 2 quarters really...the middle ones :) After witnessing 2 large fights in the stands where multiple arrests were made and police escorting a very drunk man out of our reserved row, we were more than done. As we made our way around the stadium to the exit in the direction of our car...a few more fights and lots more handcuffed individuals were witnessed. Yeah, it was time to go. Apparently there was a bathroom beating and a shooting in the parking lot after the game, which we didn't witness - thank goodness!

I'll say this - I'm glad I love people watching because outside of the potential danger I could have found myself in, this was prime viewing and highly entertaining.

Shit On Toast

2011-08-18T08:49:00.000-07:00

Photo source: I have no idea, and I take no credit for this one.

Apparently this is the theme for how I'm physically feeling this week. I sure hope my body gets into gear by the weekend.

By e.e. cummings...

2011-08-18T08:00:00.000-07:00

Photo source: fleurology

This Will Not Be Me...

2011-08-17T08:00:00.000-07:00

Photo source: I have no idea, and I take no credit for this one

I'm allergic to cats. :)

A Day With A Migraine

2011-08-16T14:13:00.000-07:00

Photo source: I have no idea, and I take no credit for this one.

I would not wish an hour with a migraine let alone a day or more on anyone. I have a girlfriend right now who has been dealing with a debilitating one for over a month now with little relief in sight. They've been running every test under the sun on her and have come up with little to explain why she is all of a sudden burdened with them.

I've titled this post a day with a migraine because for me, that's how long they usually last. And mine started to come on last night, and lasted through my night's "sleep" and into this morning where I really at that point wanted someone to just knock me over the head with a shovel real hard and put me out of my misery. I've suffered from migaines since I was a wee little girl. I used to come home from school every day and would have to head straight for bed. Cool dark room, no sound, feeling of nausea and generally just hating life all the way around. I was living in southern California at the time (my dad was in the military) so I pretty much visited every military hospital in the area and every military doctor taking every test available at the time to rule out any actual illness that could be treated. Finally they sent me to the naval hospital in San Diego where a cat scan revealed...nothing. But they were also aware of certain triggers at the time that may cause these life stealers, including MSG. Up until that moment, no one had mentioned dietary triggers, and this was the aha moment for my mom.

For those of you unaware, MSG, or monosodium glutamate, is this "fabulous" ingredient highly used in Asian cuisine to flavor up sauces in some really yummy dishes very easily. You know where MSG is also highly prominent? In the soup packets of ramen noodles, which is what I was being fed every morning for breakfast because I LOVE NOODLES. I am a noodle girl. I love my rice too, but I LOVE MY NOODLES. From that moment on, much to my chagrin, I was allowed to have my noodles but not the flavoring that went with them. And the daily migraines quickly went away.

Not forever though because I still experienced migraines quite frequently, and I learned other triggers that would set them off: extreme exhaustion, changes in barometric pressure (I always know when rain was heading into the forecast), hangovers (of course), periods of high stress, exceptionally strong periods of PMS, and of course certain food triggers such as wine and MSG. As I've gotten older and have learned or sensed when something was a trigger for me, the headaches have become far and few between so my tolerance level for them have also lowered.

...which has brought me to today...and my headache this morning and subsequent taking of a sick day at work...or unpaid day as I'm working on contract and don't get "sick days." Through a combination of sleep, water, a bit of noodles for substance (I told you I was a noodle girl) so I wasn't taking my Excedrin Migraine on and empty stomach, I seem to have overcome the worst of this migraine...thank goodness!

Migraines...just say no!

The Daily Love

2011-08-16T07:30:00.000-07:00

Photo source: I have no idea, and I take no credit for this one.

You might have noticed that I mention different blogs I read regularly. With the awesomeness that is Google Reader, I am easily able to keep up with all of the online reading that interests me. But this isn't an ad for Google Reader. I just happened to come across another blog post from the founder of The Daily Love, Mastin Kipp. He has embarked on a similar spiritual and personal development journey that I have undertaken in the last few years. In his post today, we seem to have arrived in a similar spot. How do I know? Because he ended today's post with this:

"Instead of thinking that Love showing up is some easy, breezy flowing thing in the beginning, I’m starting to see that for Love to show up, the blocks to Love within myself have to be removed first. I am deciding to stick with things a little longer than I normally would have to see what’s on the other side of my own fear."

From my one and only experience with love, I did feel the false sense of easy, breezy flowing love from the beginning. Granted it was one-sided and ultimately unrequited, but the beginning was soooo easy. I thought that was the kind of love I wanted, until I realized that the kind of love I want is a real partnership. A true partnership of a relationship where there is a team effort in every area of the relationship...spiritual, emotional, financial and domestic. I now understand that what I experienced before was meant to be emotionally easy for me in the beginning to teach me to recognize what it meant to truly love someone unconditionally. That I didn't spend all of these years wondering what it felt like. I'm also realizing that this partnership of a relationship I want, this ultimate love that I want in my life - I'm scared to death of it. So I, like Mastin, "have decided to stick with things longer than I normally would have to see what's on the other side of my own fear."

I is kind. I is smart. I is important.

2011-08-15T13:07:00.000-07:00

Photo source: I have no idea, and I take no credit for this one.

Remember a couple of days ago when I listed out my "To See" movies? Well, The Help was first on the agenda and it didn't disappoint. In fact, it moved me. So much so that I'm still currently sitting with the feelings and emotions and thoughts that the movie stirred within me. I was completely distracted from the world around me for at least a good half hour after walking out of the theater. When I go to see a book made into a movie before I've read the book, I walk out thinking either "Well I don't have to read that now" or "Shit, now I have to read the book." Guess which thought I walked out with?

Someone Like You...

2011-08-15T08:41:00.000-07:00

That Adele....she's another one where our hearts sing the same songs.

This May Be The Scariest of All...

2011-08-14T08:00:00.000-07:00

Photo source: I have no idea, and I take no credit for this one.

My Latest "To See" Movie List...

2011-08-13T08:00:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I've been to the movies...oh wait, I went last weekend. Let me rephrase. It's been a while since I've hung out at the movies...and by "hung out" I mean see a string of movies in a very short timeframe. I know - for someone who really loves the dark coolness of a movie theater, the rich sounds from a fabulous sound system and the smell of butter and popcorn wafting through the air, this seems a little strange. I can only attribute this to...well... having a life. I would laugh, but I'm being completely serious. Sadly serious.

Anyhow....these are the movies on my must see list in no particular order....not true...I will most likely be seeing these movies in this exact order:

This book has resided in my Kindle forever. It's pretty typical that I would be seeing the movie before I got to the book. Happened with the last Harry Potter book. Bought it the second it came out. I saw the movie last weekend. The book is collecting dust on my shelf.

Crazy Stupid Love looks perfect. Great title. Great actors. Great preview. Let's hope the movie doesn't disappoint.

One Day was the last book I've read. I was incredibly moved and slightly traumatized by it. I wrote about it here. The movie's tagline is perfect. "It took one day to meet your soulmate and a lifetime to realize it."

I'm a Lover and a Fighter...

2011-08-12T11:14:00.000-07:00

via All I Need Is Your Love Baby

Broken

2011-08-12T09:34:00.000-07:00

I came across a blog post this morning that belongs to a cute 15 year old girl -an age where they all post anything and everything because the art of filtering hasn't yet been mastered. I'm reposting this beautiful love letter sent to her because when I read it, I cried. How amazingly beautiful and giving boys are when they are young. I instantly started wondering what happens to them when they get older, but then the answer came to me. We happened to them. And by "we" I mean females. We break their hearts as brutally as they break ours. It's not that they no longer feel the same things for other girls or women. It's that they are afraid to consciously feel them as strongly and most definitely are fearful of sharing those feelings with the objects of their affection. And upon this realization I shed a few more tears.

To all of those that I have unintentionally broken, I'm sorry. Truly sorry.

Hey Taylor,

So I couldn’t stop thinking about you so i decided to write you this. I’m sorry for any and ever bad thing that I’ve ever done/caused. You mean the world to me. I love you with all my heart. I know I can be a pain in the ass to deal with sometimes and I apologize for that. I know that the biggest things you don’t like that I do is swear and be mean to my mom. I mean this when I say this I’m going to try to relax a bit because I have been uptight for awhile and I snap easily. I’m going to try to be more respectful to everyone not because I want to, but because you’d like that and it’s the right thing to do. I know you’ve been sad lately and I wish you’d come to me right away with your problems. but from now on everyday I’m going to make sure you’re happy as much as possible. You are to beautiful to be sad ever and I care to much to see anything bad happen to you. I’m always here for you buddy no matter what even if you upset me, you always come before me. Over the course of our relationship I’ve watched this beautiful girl grow up and I cherish every moment that I have with you because you really are the most amazing girl I’ve ever met. You made my emotions develop and I’ve been able to see things in a different perspective. Before when I’d watch a sad movie or show I wouldn’t really care because I never knew what love was before I met you. You taught me how to care for someone and no one else will ever be able to say that. I couldn’t think of a second without you because a second without you is a second more than I could handle. You’re my world and your best interest has always been the deciding factor in all of my decisions. Our relationship didn’t start off so well because I was so jealous and I didn’t want anyone to take you away from me. Now you make it difficult, but I still trust you because you’ve been by my side for two years and that’s enough for me to trust you. I know I have flaws trust me I have a lot I know. I try to be the best person I can just for you because I’m constantly striving to be the best boyfriend I can possibly be. It’s tough to deal with some of the problems we’ve been through, but at the end of the day I know that no girl could ever replace you, you’re amazing and I really mean that no other girl means anything to me but you. I love you with all my heart. When I look into your eyes all I see is an adorable girl that I love and care about more than anything. When you cry I get so sad inside and I need to hold you right away, I know it happens but you’re much more beautiful with that gorgeous smile on your face. There has never ever been a day that has gone by since I met you that I have loved you. Every single second we’re together I have a reason to be happy, because just being with you is enough for me to happy. I know you are worried about me going to college and there is not one second I won’t think of you there and I will still only love one girl. There is no person that could be as perfect for me as you. I want to be your dream boyfriend and I am going to try harder than ever to be the best boyfriend I can be to you because even after two years I never take anytime with you for granted. Your my motivation and I love how you are so supportive of me playing sports because it really means more than you know. Sports is a time of no stress and pure enjoyment and competition for me and to see you there watching and cheering me on means a lot to me buddy. I know this is a really long letter but no matter how long it is I could never sum up how beautiful you are, how much I love you, or how much you mean to me. You really are the apple of my eye. I couldn’t imagine spending the last two years with anyone else. I’ve grown up and experienced love with you and I can’t thank you enough for everything you’ve ever done for me. Your cute books, coupons, and videos are the most meaningful gifts I’ve ever received in my entire life and I love them so much. They just remind me how lucky I am to have such a perfect girlfriend.

Love Always ♥,

Ryan

Yesterday at 1:39am

Sex...from a Male Perspective

2011-08-11T10:31:00.000-07:00

There's a blog that I've been following for a little while now. I'm sure I found it through some link or recommendation from another blog, but either way, it's a good read. I love this blog. Well, I don't always love what I'm reading in it, but that's to be expected when it's written from the view of how a man thinks, right? But here's where my own personal development work comes into play: I can step back from reading an opinion that makes me cringe to realize at the end of the day, the dude probably has a point, and I need to take that into consideration before I overreact to the men in my life for stupid things they haven't even thought twice about.

Such is the post that I came across the other day entitled: The Complaint About Monogamy Is That It Works

If you want to add some insightful reading into generally what men think about sex, love and marriage, I recommend this blog.

To read more visit: Married Men Sex Life

(Disclaimer: The "married man" behind the blog above has no idea that I exist. I just really like this blog.)

Reminiscing...The Theme For Today

2011-08-11T10:05:00.000-07:00

Well if I were to be totally honest, this is really the theme for this week because I've been thinking back on my weekend and...reminiscing...A LOT.

It's All About Timing....

2011-08-10T13:18:00.000-07:00

Have you ever noticed how your past shows back up in your life with the most amazing timing? You could have gone years without thinking about your past, and then finally...just as you start to move forward again, your past comes back as if you had put out a bulletin that says "Hey, I'm moving on so if you still want in this game speak now or forever hold your peace!"

Now I haven't had a plethora of men in my life. I've had my fair share, but I suspect the number of men I have had relations with (physical or otherwise) are far fewer than the average of women my age. But one thing is aggravatingly consistent, and I'm thinking it's a phenomenon that occurs with my peers as well, is the reappearance of past "friends" just as I start really moving on with a new one.

Thus the re-emergence of whom I shall call The Conductor...and by conductor I mean of music and not trains. The Conductor was one of the few times where I had no interest in pursuing an actual relationship other than the physical one and the fun conversational one we had. I actually first met him in the 8th grade, became really good friends with him and then realized at the 8th grade graduation dance the night before I moved halfway across the country that he was who I really was crushing hard for all along. Isn't that always the way? Fast forward 15 years and through some social website I came across him, saw that he was now living locally where I was and then contacted him.

Of course.

A few drink/dinner dates that extending into nights, and I realized my curiosity that I had from the 8th grade was fully satisfied. While I was incredibly proud of who had become professionally, I was disappointed in the man he had become...at least when looking at a potential relationship. Just so happened that he wasn't all that interested in anything more than a casual physical relationship with me either.

Life intervened in this, uh, fling a couple of months into it, and we stopped seeing each other. Seemed that some scheduling conflict always got in the way. Then we stopped talking. Then he moved to finish his doctorate. We never really conversed after he moved, but we were "friends" on Facebook so it wasn't long before I saw that he had met "The One" and was getting married after settling in the middle of the country. Other than seeing a random status update on my Facebook timeline, I never gave him another thought really, and I assumed he didn't think of me either. Well, you know what people say about making assumptions...

This past Monday, after returning home from a really wonderful weekend in LA, the Conductor pops up on Facebook chat. Two lines of conversation into the chat, and he starts talking about how great I look in my profile pic, and how I still have "the goods." There might have even been a comment about his memory of my "girls" and how great they looked in the picture. WTF?!? Remember when I said I was disappointed in the man he had become? This is the kind of thing I was talking about. Dude is married now. Not that that should prevent him from appreciating how me or any other female looks, but by conversing in the way he was with me about it just felt wrong.

Anyhow, I couldn't help but marvel at the timing of this conversation let alone the actual conversation. Do we women (or men) unknowingly send out a bat signal to our past when we've actually started moving on?

Watch Me...

2011-08-10T08:21:00.000-07:00

via Deaf and Clueless

Made Me Giggle...

2011-08-05T10:08:00.000-07:00

Oh that Bob Marley...

2011-08-04T15:06:00.000-07:00

For the Love of Ice Cream

2011-08-04T11:07:00.000-07:00

Photo by Me

Let's get something clear right off the bat here...in the world of frozen creamy yumminess, here is my order of preference:

1. Gelato

2. Frozen custard

3. Ice cream

4. Frozen yogurt

And if you're about to ask if there's really a difference between #1, #2 and #3, you're probably the same person who's going to try to tell me that there's no difference in taste between chocolate cake and red velvet cake except for the color. And you would be wrong on that too.

I love ice cream in any variation. I will eat it in summer. I will eat it in winter. I will eat it for breakfast, lunch and dinner. I love all kinds of flavors, but my standard go to is vanilla. Vanilla bean preferably, but most definitely vanilla. Why? Because I'm all about building a foundation...a solid good foundation is the key to bliss...whether that be a house, a relationship, or a really great cup (bowl, bucket, whatever) of ice cream.

Why am I talking about ice cream? Well I'm about to go meet a co-worker for lunch, and I totally picked the restaurant based on the Italian based frozen yogurt place right outside the door of the restaurant...because right now I'd rather have that than lunch. The place is called Yogorino and it's fairly new in the US. It's the slight tang of yogurt with the consistency of gelato...and they have the rich yummy toppings that pretty much every other froyo joint is lacking...I mean melted white chocolate with crispy crepes?!? Come on! But they also have the hard shell chocolate topping...and I LOVE THAT STUFF! The pic I posted here was of the yumminess I devoured last week. This city spoils me in food.

Note to self...

2011-08-03T10:29:00.001-07:00

Can it on the word 'totally'. Like for real. :)

The Ring

2011-08-03T10:05:00.000-07:00

So the picture of the 3 stone ring I posted yesterday? That was a picture of a Harry Winston ring I found randomly on the internet. It was the closest visual I could find to the actual ring I tried on...until I started scrolling through my pictures on my Blackberry and realized that I totally took a picture of me trying it on in January 2010...

Photo by Me

It looks almost perfect, doesn't it? :) It's about half a size too small, but obviously that didn't stop me from trying to ram it down my finger so I could see how it looked. It's about 5 total carats: 3 carat center stone with a carat on each side. I totally didn't want to take it off. The ring was displayed in the store window for about a year before I couldn't stand it anymore and asked my favorite saleswoman (yes, it's a jeweler I frequent enough usually on just browsing sprees that I have a favorite saleswoman) to pull it out of the window so I could try it on. And wouldn't you know it...shortly thereafter the ring disappeared, and I didn't have the heart to go in and ask if they had finally rotated it out of the window or if it actually sold. I'm guessing the latter. :(

And There May Be Competition....

2011-08-02T16:07:00.000-07:00

I totally watched the finale of the Bachelorette last night. I really had no intention of watching any of this season, but dang it if they didn't feature the fantasy finale dates in freakin' Fiji...the place where I did a good deal of soul searching and totally enjoyed living life. Watching the show was my way of revisiting that, even for a moment. But dang it if I didn't get caught up in deciding who she should pick. And as soon as J.P. Rosenbaum picked this ring...

I knew. It was totally him...he picked the right ring. One of those moments when I saw which guy chose which ring...I knew. Instantly.

And remember that 3 stone oval ring...the one that I priced at about $85K, tried on and instantly fell in love with it? Oh wait...I didn't write about the experience of finding it and trying it on...but I did post a pic of it randomly here...

Well that Neil Lane ring might have kicked my pretty little 3 stone ring's ass, especially being $15K cheaper. Saving up my pennies....

What? You thought I was waiting on a guy for the ring? Riiiiight.....

Believe in Kissing

2011-08-01T11:25:00.001-07:00

One of my favorite things to do....

2011-07-29T15:31:00.000-07:00

Breathtaking...

2011-07-29T11:50:00.000-07:00

Too Much...

2011-07-28T14:22:00.000-07:00

Too much. Today feels too much...and I'm exhausted both mentally and physically. I'm sure it has to do with the health of my physical being and everything being off balance by the off balance in my diet over the last several months. I mean, did you see my post the other day about the food that has crossed my path? Yummy - but definitely not conducive to a happy vibrant Michelle.

I'm returning to the Metabolic Balance diet to center my metabolism and hormones as well as drop the weight that I've gained back since I was last on it. As boring as the diet was for this foodie...and that was the worst part about it for me, otherwise it was a cakewalk...I was able to easily drop the weight and feel healthy in the quickest timeframe. I'm not gonna front though...it's not just about the health. I'd like to be able to look at myself both clothed and naked and feel good about it, especially if someone other than myself will most likely be looking as well....

In the meantime, this weekend I'm gonna hang with some girlfriends from college that I haven't seen in a while. We were finally able to sync up a weekend where we were all free. Mani/pedis, a few drinks, BBQ, relaxation and a lot of girl talk on the agenda. And. I. So. Need. It.

True?

2011-07-26T12:10:00.000-07:00

I can vouch for everything said here...except from the guy's point of view. Boys? How about it? True?

Another One of Those Lists....

2011-07-25T16:03:00.000-07:00

I don't know why I like to keep doing these lists..and even worse, post them on here, but I do. I guess it's a form of self exploration. Whatever it is, here is another one I came across...with my answers, of course. :)

1. one person you couldn’t live without and why. I used to think there were people in my life I couldn't live without until I was forced to go on living without them. I don't know that this person exists. I just know that without certain people in my life, it definitely makes it harder.

2. something that irritates you beyond belief. Consistent inconsideration of other people. Someone who comes from a place of "I" "I" "I" all the time. God I can't stand that.

3. have you ever broken the law? how? Ummm...well I ripped a street sign off of the post on a street where I temporarily lived once. I just liked it. :) It's placed on the door frame of my closet in my bedroom still. Yeah, I'm a rebel. You think I'm going to cop to anything else publicly?

4. do you have any piercings? how many and where? 2 - one in each ear

5. do you have any tattoos? how many and where? what are they? Nope - and because I still can't commit to a location after I don't even know how many years, I probably never will...but if I were to get one, it would be of a lotus with purple and pink shading.

6. how many relationships have you been in? 3 - I would say 4, but one asshole apparently didn't even consider consistently taking me out on dates for 3 months "dating" so...3. And some random others sprinkled in there for amusement.

7. have you ever been in love? Yes

8. how many people have you had sexual relations with? Define "sexual relations." Hahaha Those who want to know can ask. But that doesn't mean I'll answer everyone....I'm sure as hell not publicizing a number either. Where did I get these questions again.

9. are you a relationship person or someone who just likes to hook up? Relationship person. I'm not really wired emotionally to be any other way.

10. do you smoke? what do you smoke? Not anymore but my previous smoke of choice was Marlboro Lights.

11. how many people do you really trust? Define "really" ...this one's hard. I have people I have placed my trust in. I'll leave it at that.

12. do you consider yourself friendly or a “loner”? Both

13. you are getting arrested. what for? Is this for something you can really get arrested for? Probably trespassing would be my worst offense.

14. are you close with your family? Half of them.

15. do you prefer the beach, the countryside, the mountains, or the city? why? If I could only choose one, it would be the beach. Water is my center. It opens my spirit and allows me to breathe.

16. name your ideal date. Intimate energy, phenomenal conversation, good food, good music, good loving :)

17. name five qualities your ideal partner would have. I have about 2 pages full listed in a journal somewhere when I sat down to think about what I would want...no way I'm narrowing that down to 5.

18. are you a night owl or an early bird? By nature - night owl.

19. where do you spend more time thinking: in the shower or in bed at night? The shower! My best thinking happens in the shower. Like I said before, some sleep on it. I bathe.

20. the person who has done the most wrong to you apologizes. who is it? what did they do? do you accept their apology? The who and what is between us, but yes I accepted the apology.

Hello, My Name is Michelle and I am a Foodie

2011-07-22T13:37:00.000-07:00

If there ever was a question about my status as a foodie, one need not look further than the pictures I posted on Twitter in the last week of the yumminess that has passed my lips...

The ultimate in hangover food. Yes, I am fully aware of the miraculousness that is Taco Bell, IHOP, Dennys, White Castle, Steak n Shake and In N Out at 2am when all a girl needs after a night of drinking is some quality grease. I have experienced them all. But if given my choice, and I could acquire this from any location I happen to be after a night of partying...then this is would be what I would choose:

Photo by Me

That's right - chicken and waffles...with a side of mac n cheese and cheese grits for good measure. This hangover feast was acquired at the House of Chicken and Waffles in Oakland at Jack London Square. And it was perfection.

Next up....more mac n cheese (did I mention I was hormonal this week as well?)...this time from a place in SF called Focaccia. Love this place. Everything is fresh and real quality food. And this mac and cheese...to die for.

Photo by Me

And what is PMS week without some ice cream...or for a foodie...gelato...actually I would have preferred frozen custard but they have no clue what it is here...like so many other yummy things from the midwest... This gelato was obtained at a little shop about 2 minutes away from where I live. Truth be told, it's really not the best gelato...not even close really....but it worked for my purposes

Photo by Me

Next up...one of my favorites...a grilled cheese sandwich. I've loved this sandwich for as long as I can remember. My favorite version is the one I make, of course: white bread or brioche, butter, 2 or 3 different cheeses...and maybe a touch of garlic every once in a while. But this one below that I ate the other day was pretty darn good. And yes, I did walk 6 blocks to the Ferry Building to get this one instead of getting a random grilled cheese across the street from my office. Why this grilled cheese? Well it's made with cheese and butter from Cowgirl Creamery (the sandwich was actually purchased at the Cowgirl Creamery stand) and bread from Acme Baking Company next door. Quality ingredients. Period.

Photo by Me

Now there is a picture missing here. I went back to the Ferry Building yesterday because there was a Farmer's Market. And when there's a Farmer's Market, there's some fabulous eats for lunch. And boy did I have a fabulous eat. There's not a picture because...well, I really couldn't wait to inhale it and so, I didn't. But here's what it was: a pork confit sandwich with fresh herbs, market salad, kimchee with chili chorizo aioli from 4505 Meats. One of the longest lines at the market and for good reason.

But today...today I finally found dim sum in San Francisco that I like. And usually for really good dim sum, I go outside of San Francisco for it. However, I thought I would give this place a try...they have a To Go corner of the restaurant for lunch take-out and the restaurant is Michelin rated, so why not?

Photo by Me

The verdict: yes, Yes, YES! Fresh, flavorful, well done dim sum. This may be where the majority of my lunch money is headed for the next little while...

Apparently I'm Hormonal...

2011-07-22T11:02:00.000-07:00

There are two songs that keep popping up in my head this morning. I love both of these songs intimately, but they when I listen to them I actually feel a physical pain in my heart....like a painful longing. I don't know why they are showing up or what my emotions are trying to tell me...but so it is.

The first song is from the Beatles/Paul McCartney. I have to say that there's not many songs sung by Paul McCartney that I can't identify with in my life. When I saw him perform this song not all that long ago a few rows from the stage, I was moved to tears....

This next one by Barry Manilow....this one Barry actually saw me boo-hooing to it about five years ago at his show at the Las Vegas Hilton. How embarrassing...but I had no idea I would have that reaction...I just couldn't even control it. *shaking my head at my damn self*.

Oh my God I'm boohooing again watching this. Dang these effing hormones....but why? Why these songs right now?

This....

2011-07-21T15:02:00.000-07:00

Photo credit: No idea. Found it during a Google search, but damn it's hot, right?

“He loved her, he loved her, and until he’d loved her she had never minded being alone.”

~ Truman Capote

Where My Mind Is Today....

2011-07-20T13:41:00.000-07:00

I can almost feel the water on my toes and the breeze wafting through my hair....

Keeping Up...

2011-07-18T10:57:00.000-07:00

So much has happened in the last week or so that it's been hard for me to keep up with the blogging thing here and share the info...not like anyone's reading it anyway, but you know...

Last week I had some devastating news pop up in my life. News that was 8 years old...but news that I definitely would not have been able to handle in 2003 when it went down. 2003 was like 1994 to me...tragic, painful, almost impossibly horrible. 2003 was when the events in my life added to what I still had not recovered from in 1994 took me down, and I mean shut my body down making me bedridden for 9 months with illness. It was no joke.

It's been a long road to who I am now, who I continue to evolve into. In the last couple of months, I've had the most amazing dreams come true. Dreams once considered by me to be impossible. Ricky Martin...Tim McGraw...and most recently New Kids on the Block...a dream 23 years in the making. But after having all three of them occur within such a short period of time of each other in the same summer, I was anxious about it. I mean, not that I'm second guessing life, but I feared what might be coming that I "needed" these things to be happening in my life to hang on to. My mom has told me every time I've experienced a dream in the last decade or so that my dad had a hand in it. That he is trying to find ways to make up for him not being here, for what I had to endure. And I felt that anyway because I could feel him...and these experiences usually occurred around the timeframe of my birthday. He's never forgotten. But having him stack up these dream experiences one on top of each other had me worried. He knew what I had hung on to to make it through the events of the past. What was coming that he was giving me the live versions of my safety nets?

It was news. Devasting news. News 8 years old but a continuation of the pain that had started with my dad's death. News that came right smack dab in the middle of the week when I was still basking in the glow from the previous weekend. News that I started to drown in and was having a hard time swimming my way out of...but at least I was swimming this time. News that brought up the pain of the loss of my dad.

When I've had a hard time with verbalizing what it is I'm feeling, I say it with music...so this was the music I posted on Facebook last week upon hearing the news:

And then that brought my feelings about my dad, and what continues to be in my heart to this day....

And as fate would have it, I had fun plans already scheduled for this past weekend as some friends from Canada would be in town ...and I couldn't wait for the distraction. But I was scared that I would either bring the party down with the energy that I was bringing to it or that as much fun as I anticipated having, it wouldn't be enough to distract me. But those fears went unfounded when I had another friend unexpectantly arrive as well...the one I really needed and wanted to see. The friend that had no idea what I had been going through the few days before but showed up as if he knew I needed him to be there and was everything I needed him to be. Now I want more time with him...but that's another post for another time...

An extreme low sandwiched in between extreme highs...a sequence I can only thank my dad for helping to arrange...and as always, incredibly grateful for the way it all unfolded.

More About Me....

2011-07-14T14:00:00.000-07:00

1.Height: 5'6.5" or 5'7" - depends on how confident I feel that day

2.Shoe Size: 8.5

3.Sexual Orientation: surprise me...no just kidding...straight, but can appreciate an attractive female

4.Do you Smoke? Every once in a great while...no longer regularly

5.Do you Drink? Not as often as I used to...

6.Do you Take Drugs? Nope

7.Age you get mistaken for: Usually in age in my 20's...on really good days I get carded :)

8.Have Tattoos? No - I can't commit to a location

9.Want any tattoos Yes, but see #9

10.Got any Piercings? One in each ear. I have enough holes in my body....

11.Want any piercings? Not more than I already have.

12.Best friend? I used to...now I have a group of close friends. If I had to narrow it down, it would be my mom.

13.Relationship status: Single...and okay with it. Would rather be single and a little lonely every once in a while than be with someone just to have someone there

14.Biggest turn ons: a great smile...someone that can make me laugh...someone that remembers and notices things that I wouldn't expect...and yes, I am thinking of someone specifically that has these traits

15.Biggest turn offs: ego, wandering eyes, indifference

16.Favorite Movie: I have about a hundred of them...pick a romcom and it's probably on the "favorite's list"

17.I’ll love you if: you are loyal and kind

18.Someone you miss: my dad

19.Most traumatic experience: my dad's death

20.A fact about your personality: I am loyal to a fault. I may not seem to always be there for someone, but my heart is.

21.What I hate most about myself: That I hold on to the negative things I feel about myself and believe them more than the positive.

22.What I love most about myself: If I really want something, I will find a way, no matter how long it takes.

23.What I want to be when I get older: Confident and even more comfortable in my own skin

24.My relationship with my sibling(s): Non-existent...considering I have no siblings. :)

25.My relationship with my parents: Love - that's all that needs to be said here.

26.My idea of a perfect date: It's never about the location or the event, but the person and the energy between us and the quality of the time spent. Though I'm a foodie, so if good food is involved, it doesn't hurt. :)

27.My biggest pet peeves: people who have a "woe is me" attitude...constantly asking for attention and not finding the value of not having to ask for something or help but putting on your big girl panties and just getting it done. I appreciate someone who gets the difference between needing to ask for help and just being plain lazy or needy.

28.A description of the girl/boy I like: Handsome, charming, beautiful, gorgeous smile, kind heart, kind eyes, generous...and has a way with words that makes me blush like no other

29.A description of the person I dislike the most: see #27

30.A reason I’ve lied to a friend: to spare their feelings

31.What I hate the most about school: that's it's over...I love school. If I could make a living being a student, I totally would.

32.What my last text message says: xo

33.What words upset me the most: No words said...what hurts me the most is the goodbyes that are never voiced.

34.What words make me feel the best about myself: You are beautiful - when I know they aren't speaking about my appearance

35.A wish that I’ve wished for repeatedly on 11:11: Health and love for all who reside in my heart

36.What I find attractive in boys/girls. Didn't I kind of answer this already? See #14 and #28

37.Where I would like to live. In a lovely beach house by the ocean. That's the dream.

38.One of my insecurities. That I'm not enough for someone to want to stay...

39.My childhood career choice. an actress or an obstetrician...yeah, I know...weird combo...all I can say is that my interests are diverse

40.My favorite ice cream. vanilla...because you can add things to it to make it taste any way you want...I'm all about starting with a good foundation. :)

41.Who I wish I could be. No one. I'm pretty happy being me...faults and all.

42.Where I want to be right now. On a beach...near the ocean..on a sunny day...with nice breeze...and a fruity adult beverage.

43.The last thing I ate. A butterscotch lollipop

44.Sexiest person that comes to my mind immediately. I don't have 1, I have 4: Donnie Wahlberg, Ricky Martin and Tim McGraw...the 4th hopefully knows who he is...and if he doesn't, I'll be pointing him to this blog post.

45.A random fact about anything A nap would be perfection right about now.

Communication. It Does A Soul Good.

2011-06-30T12:31:00.000-07:00

You know all of the unfocused uncertain crazy feelings that I've been feeling lately? Well they all got wiped out. With one phone call. A phone call, by the way, that could have turned out very differently because of the initial intent of the call. Yes, I was the one that did the calling. And while this post would make a whole heck of a lot more sense if I actually shared why I called him, it's a little too personal and so...I won't be sharing.

But I will say this:

It's because of our friendship and the honesty and openness with which we conduct it when we do communicate that resulted in a better than could have anticipated outcome. When you have to share information with someone that may not be the best news but needed to be told and could possibly be a bombshell, you never know how another person will react. All you can do is trust. Trust in the person. Trust in the friendship.

So I trusted.

And for the first time ever, it didn't blow up in my face.

And we are good.

And I am grateful.

Never Underestimate A Girl's Love For Her Favorite Band. They Might Have Saved Her Life...

2011-06-29T10:05:00.000-07:00

This Is What Makes My Heart Open Up....

2011-06-29T09:32:00.000-07:00

It's the water. A view like the one above makes my heart break wide open and breathe. Fills my being with oxygen. Lifts any weight I've been carrying around in my soul. The water. It's spiritual.