Friday, March 16, 2018

March

~Image by R.M. Drake



Have you ever noticed that the sun shines differently in March? Yeah, until 1994, I never actually noticed it either.  It's quite the phenomenon actually, if you happen to notice the brightness and placement of the light of the sun shining down on everything.  Or maybe it's just me, and for whatever reason paid particular attention to how the sun was shining in March 1994 before I walked into our family home, and my life changed forever.  I don't know that I will ever publicly share what happened when I walked into my home, but suffice it to say it was one of those traumatic moments that you measure your life before and after.  I've come to realize what you are really measuring is who you are before and after these types of events because these are the types of events that fundamentally change you - how you think, what you believe, how you react, what and why you choose what you do going forward.  

People who experience these types of "before and after" moments don't necessarily require a traumatic event as the instigator - it could be a moment of inspiration or breakthrough, but for me it has typically involved a trauma. Over the years, noticing that the sun is shining a bit differently in March has been my subconscious reminding me of what occurred on that day in 1994; reminding me why getting up in the morning has been a little harder lately and why there's this underlying current of sadness in every day leading up to that date in March when life seems to be going just fine otherwise.  Even when I have forgotten what day it is, the blueprint of who I am seems to be keeping track.

This year, the sun started shining a bit differently in February - not March...and the underlying sadness started hanging out in my heart a bit earlier...preparing me it seems for the loss of another love of my life, and with it, the loss of a certain kind of hope, a loss of naivete and innocence regarding love.  The love of my life of 10 years didn't die or anything - he just let me go and gave me away for the last time, and my heart and emotions are essentially experiencing it like a death. Like in the quote from the graphic above, I am in the "hurt and hurt and hurt" phase, and I don't know how long it's going to last, so I apologize now for the depressing tone my current and upcoming posts may be expressing, but I will move through it.  This isn't something I will get over, but I will move through it and I will rise above it. And maybe one day I'll be able to open my heart again to love - or maybe not.  Either one is a very real possibility. 



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