Wednesday, March 7, 2018

It's Become More Painful...

I haven't been on this blog for years 6 years.  And I thought this morning that I would get on to just get back in the practicing of "writing" on a more regular basis if nothing else.  I'm one of those people who gets moments of inspiration to write, and I'll do it on napkins, scraps of paper like receipts, or just start typing on a Word document....whatever comes in handy.

So I hopped on to my blog and noticed I had a couple of draft posts that never got posted for one reason or another.  The below was written in September 2012.  It was about a relationship that has been on and off for a decade now, and became forever and officially "off" about a month ago.  I wrote this about 5 and half years ago, but the sentiment and feelings could have been written 30 minutes ago because it's still all true...and still all true about the same person. I will always love him.  He's a love of my life.  He may even be THE love of my life.  But I've come to realize that I need to be the love of my own life so as not to ever accept less than I deserve again.  It's gone on too long.

He's chosen to let me go.  Again.  This time I've chosen to let him go. Forever.  

From September 2012:

Credit:  Image source unknown

Every word of that is true.  It's actually been true for a very long time now.  But it's different now. When I used to think about you before, my heart was excited.  It was light.  It was happy and made me smile and giggle like a little an ignorant little girl who knew in the back of her mind that she might not be the only one in your life but chose to actively ignore that little fact and believe that she was so that she could continue to feel excited, light and happy.

That was my fault - that choice to stay ignorant.  It was my fault to choose not to ask more direct questions that would force you to answer one way or another...or not answer me at all.  On more than one occasion when I asked you questions, I stopped before I really wanted to because I didn't want to seem annoying or like I was interrogating you. I didn't want to be THAT girl.  I still have so many questions.  So many direct questions that I'm scared to ask because I don't know if I would be able to keep you in my life if I got the honest answer.

I also stopped paying so much attention to my intuition.  Those times you swore you had told me something, and I would joke..."sorry, wrong girl..." I had no idea how right on I was.  That was my intuition.  And I ignored her.  I take responsibility for that too.

So it's different now, when I think about you all of the time.  It hurts.  The unknown hurts.  And the known hurts.  I pray that one day it stops hurting, but I'm having a hard time visualizing that right now.

Update: June still hurts.  It really hurts.

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