Friday, March 16, 2018

March

~Image by R.M. Drake



Have you ever noticed that the sun shines differently in March? Yeah, until 1994, I never actually noticed it either.  It's quite the phenomenon actually, if you happen to notice the brightness and placement of the light of the sun shining down on everything.  Or maybe it's just me, and for whatever reason paid particular attention to how the sun was shining in March 1994 before I walked into our family home, and my life changed forever.  I don't know that I will ever publicly share what happened when I walked into my home, but suffice it to say it was one of those traumatic moments that you measure your life before and after.  I've come to realize what you are really measuring is who you are before and after these types of events because these are the types of events that fundamentally change you - how you think, what you believe, how you react, what and why you choose what you do going forward.  

People who experience these types of "before and after" moments don't necessarily require a traumatic event as the instigator - it could be a moment of inspiration or breakthrough, but for me it has typically involved a trauma. Over the years, noticing that the sun is shining a bit differently in March has been my subconscious reminding me of what occurred on that day in 1994; reminding me why getting up in the morning has been a little harder lately and why there's this underlying current of sadness in every day leading up to that date in March when life seems to be going just fine otherwise.  Even when I have forgotten what day it is, the blueprint of who I am seems to be keeping track.

This year, the sun started shining a bit differently in February - not March...and the underlying sadness started hanging out in my heart a bit earlier...preparing me it seems for the loss of another love of my life, and with it, the loss of a certain kind of hope, a loss of naivete and innocence regarding love.  The love of my life of 10 years didn't die or anything - he just let me go and gave me away for the last time, and my heart and emotions are essentially experiencing it like a death. Like in the quote from the graphic above, I am in the "hurt and hurt and hurt" phase, and I don't know how long it's going to last, so I apologize now for the depressing tone my current and upcoming posts may be expressing, but I will move through it.  This isn't something I will get over, but I will move through it and I will rise above it. And maybe one day I'll be able to open my heart again to love - or maybe not.  Either one is a very real possibility. 



Wednesday, March 7, 2018

It's Become More Painful...


I haven't been on this blog for years now....like 6 years.  And I thought this morning that I would get on to just get back in the practicing of "writing" on a more regular basis if nothing else.  I'm one of those people who gets moments of inspiration to write, and I'll do it on napkins, scraps of paper like receipts, or just start typing on a Word document....whatever comes in handy.

So I hopped on to my blog and noticed I had a couple of draft posts that never got posted for one reason or another.  The below was written in September 2012.  It was about a relationship that has been on and off for a decade now, and became forever and officially "off" about a month ago.  I wrote this about 5 and half years ago, but the sentiment and feelings could have been written 30 minutes ago because it's still all true...and still all true about the same person. I will always love him.  He's a love of my life.  He may even be THE love of my life.  But I've come to realize that I need to be the love of my own life so as not to ever accept less than I deserve again.  It's gone on too long.

He's chosen to let me go.  Again.  This time I've chosen to let him go. Forever.  

From September 2012:


Credit:  Image source unknown


Every word of that is true.  It's actually been true for a very long time now.  But it's different now. When I used to think about you before, my heart was excited.  It was light.  It was happy and made me smile and giggle like a little girl...like an ignorant little girl who knew in the back of her mind that she might not be the only one in your life but chose to actively ignore that little fact and believe that she was so that she could continue to feel excited, light and happy.

That was my fault - that choice to stay ignorant.  It was my fault to choose not to ask more direct questions that would force you to answer one way or another...or not answer me at all.  On more than one occasion when I asked you questions, I stopped before I really wanted to because I didn't want to seem annoying or like I was interrogating you. I didn't want to be THAT girl.  I still have so many questions.  So many direct questions that I'm scared to ask because I don't know if I would be able to keep you in my life if I got the honest answer.

I also stopped paying so much attention to my intuition.  Those times you swore you had told me something, and I would joke..."sorry, wrong girl..." I had no idea how right on I was.  That was my intuition.  And I ignored her.  I take responsibility for that too.

So it's different now, when I think about you all of the time.  It hurts.  The unknown hurts.  And the known hurts.  I pray that one day it stops hurting, but I'm having a hard time visualizing that right now.



Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...