Thursday, August 30, 2012

I Think I Have To Stop Drinking Coffee...

There. I said it. Again.  This is not the first time I've said over the course of my life.  I've said it a number of times.  Times when I feel like I have crossed a line with respect to my health and the presence of coffee affecting it.  This would be one of those times.  Honestly, as a person who has suffered acute chronic fatigue syndrome and will always be susceptible to being taken down by it again, I shouldn't even really be drinking it to begin with.  That goes for tea too...although the positives far outweigh any negatives of tea drinking.

So yes, I've reached a point in my health where I think I've crossed a line.  Where I've realized that as I don't know necessarily when periods of extreme emotional stress are going to strike, having that much caffeine in my system at any given point in time will just make things that much worse, both physically and emotionally.  

The last two days I was taken down with a migraine and nausea so bad I thought I would have to go to the hospital to get relief.  Oh yeah, and there was a low grade fever involved in this whole thing too.  What scared me the most was the kind of fatigue I felt yesterday morning...and today.  The kind of fatigue I don't want to discuss with my mom or anyone else because this is a "light" version of the chronic fatigue I felt right before I got hit with full on chronic fatigue syndrome.  I don't want to discuss it because my mom already freaks out any time I come down with anything because she's always concerned it will trigger a relapse.  I had read some research years ago that there is this hypothesis that for at least some of those that suffer from chronic fatigue syndrome, part of the trigger is some sort of stress and the inability to metabolize the chemicals in the body that form as a result of that stress...and the build up of those toxins in the system  eventually just take you down.  I have always believed that emotional stress, especially the emotional stress involving the emotion of grief is one stress I have the most difficulty in dealing with in general, and I think is the most difficult for my body to process.  This was actually one of the main triggers of my illness before.  Three significant people in my life had unexpectedly passed away in the 18 months prior to my downfall.

I didn't expect the grief of heartbreak to take me down now - although it has felt all consuming for the last 6 weeks - but I have to be realistic and consider it as a possibility, especially considering what I'm physically feeling now.  So I have to stop drinking coffee and probably abstain from all caffeine and eating crappy food.  I'm going to have to schedule in yoga and mediation in addition to my training for a marathon next year.  I have to process this grief, this stress in a much more structured way...well as structured as I can.  I have to do what I have to do because I cannot be removed from my life. I cannot let months of my life go by with me as a spectator again rather than a participant.  I refuse to give into this, and I will do whatever I need to do.

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