Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Guess Who's Training For A Marathon?

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I know. I know.  Queen of caffeine, insomnia and all things involving carbs and bacon running a marathon?  Well once upon a time a number of years ago I had made this very same decision and signed myself up to run the Disney World Marathon.  I mean, if you're going to put yourself through the physical paces, you might as well find some way to enjoy the journey, right?  Granted I was in a little better shape at that time when I had made the decision...but not by much.  I was actually doing really well in the training with my diet and exercise regimen...building up my stamina and distance.  I was surprising myself and looking and feeling really great....and then....

About five weeks before the marathon, I got hit with a really nasty flu virus or something....the kind that takes you down for a number of days and completely wipes you out when you're down there.  I was down for 2 weeks.  And this one wiped me out.  So much so that before I started trying to train again...still thinking I would be running the marathon...I went to the doctor to make sure I wasn't setting myself up for a fall by doing so.  Unfortunately because of my chronic fatigue syndrome history and how bad this virus affected me, my doctor strongly advised me from running the marathon.  The last thing I needed was a chronic fatigue syndrome relapse and be knocked out of my life for Lord knows how long.  The mere thought of fighting the insurance companies for disability and the endless doctor appointments for treatment should I have relapsed exhausted I made the only logical decision and pulled out of the marathon.

And what's brought this desire back on?  Well, I'm tired of feeling tired all of the freaking time, and my lack of stamina is just really depressing.  And let's face it, I could stand to lose a few pounds...or 40.

But the real reason?  I need something else to focus on.  Sure I have some professional stresses, but if you've been looking at my latest posts you'll know where exactly my focus has been...and it's definitely not been at all on work like it should.  And quite honestly I just don't want to focus on my heart and the hurt that it's healing from because it's exhausting and unhealthy.  I'm tired at being on the verge of tears all of the freaking time when songs come on the radio or while watching a tv show or just when having certain thoughts cross my mind. Have you noticed how many songs are on the radio about having your heart broken?  I mean, seriously.

And yes, I am still actually in love.  I'm still on this freakin journey.  And about a week and half ago, I thought the journey was heading into a good direction.  A positive direction.  And now I'm not so sure what direction it's going.  Funny how these things can turn in an instant.  What I'm really tired of is having someone else in control of where this journey is going.  So I'm taking control back - at least with respect to my own mental state.  I'm going to do whatever I can to make myself feel physically well and hopefully my emotions will follow suit...and then we'll see where everything ends up.  

But for now...26.2 miles.

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