Friday, August 31, 2012

Smart Girls...Yep That Would Be Me...

 

This Made Me Laugh...

...especially after a certain conversation I had to day with a special someone. Okay, my special someone....






Thursday, August 30, 2012

I Think I Have To Stop Drinking Coffee...

There. I said it. Again.  This is not the first time I've said over the course of my life.  I've said it a number of times.  Times when I feel like I have crossed a line with respect to my health and the presence of coffee affecting it.  This would be one of those times.  Honestly, as a person who has suffered acute chronic fatigue syndrome and will always be susceptible to being taken down by it again, I shouldn't even really be drinking it to begin with.  That goes for tea too...although the positives far outweigh any negatives of tea drinking.

So yes, I've reached a point in my health where I think I've crossed a line.  Where I've realized that as I don't know necessarily when periods of extreme emotional stress are going to strike, having that much caffeine in my system at any given point in time will just make things that much worse, both physically and emotionally.  

The last two days I was taken down with a migraine and nausea so bad I thought I would have to go to the hospital to get relief.  Oh yeah, and there was a low grade fever involved in this whole thing too.  What scared me the most was the kind of fatigue I felt yesterday morning...and today.  The kind of fatigue I don't want to discuss with my mom or anyone else because this is a "light" version of the chronic fatigue I felt right before I got hit with full on chronic fatigue syndrome.  I don't want to discuss it because my mom already freaks out any time I come down with anything because she's always concerned it will trigger a relapse.  I had read some research years ago that there is this hypothesis that for at least some of those that suffer from chronic fatigue syndrome, part of the trigger is some sort of stress and the inability to metabolize the chemicals in the body that form as a result of that stress...and the build up of those toxins in the system  eventually just take you down.  I have always believed that emotional stress, especially the emotional stress involving the emotion of grief is one stress I have the most difficulty in dealing with in general, and I think is the most difficult for my body to process.  This was actually one of the main triggers of my illness before.  Three significant people in my life had unexpectedly passed away in the 18 months prior to my downfall.

I didn't expect the grief of heartbreak to take me down now - although it has felt all consuming for the last 6 weeks - but I have to be realistic and consider it as a possibility, especially considering what I'm physically feeling now.  So I have to stop drinking coffee and probably abstain from all caffeine and eating crappy food.  I'm going to have to schedule in yoga and mediation in addition to my training for a marathon next year.  I have to process this grief, this stress in a much more structured way...well as structured as I can.  I have to do what I have to do because I cannot be removed from my life. I cannot let months of my life go by with me as a spectator again rather than a participant.  I refuse to give into this, and I will do whatever I need to do.


Wednesday, August 29, 2012

This Is Who I Am....

The first time I saw this scene in what I think was the series finale of Sex and the City, I cried. And I cried every time I watched this scene after that.  And I'm home sick for the second day in a row with a head splitting migraine, and unfortunately I made the mistake of watching this again because nothing helps a migraine to hurt worse than bawling your eyes out.  

Why does this scene affect me like it does?  Because at the end of the day, this is who I am.  This is what I want.  And not to be pessimistic on the rest of my life as I realize that I'm not exactly entering old age and the land of retirement any time soon, I have this fear that while I love this way, I may never be loved this way in return...at least not by the ones that I love. And if I am loved this way, then I am completely oblivious to it.  Completely.









Friday, August 24, 2012

You're Welcome :o)

Source Unknown




Focus Fail...

So you know how one of the main reasons I started this marathon journey again was to change my focus...or  at least have something else to focus on besides where or (whom) my mind has naturally wandered for weeks (months) now?  Well that was a major fail.  I'm a few days into my training and even with headphones on and music blaring, you know what you have a lot of during those miles of walking/running?  Time.  Time to think.  Time to think a lot.  And guess what I'm thinking about?  Yeah...



Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Guess Who's Training For A Marathon?

Photo source
I know. I know.  Queen of caffeine, insomnia and all things involving carbs and bacon running a marathon?  Well once upon a time a number of years ago I had made this very same decision and signed myself up to run the Disney World Marathon.  I mean, if you're going to put yourself through the physical paces, you might as well find some way to enjoy the journey, right?  Granted I was in a little better shape at that time when I had made the decision...but not by much.  I was actually doing really well in the training with my diet and exercise regimen...building up my stamina and distance.  I was surprising myself and looking and feeling really great....and then....

About five weeks before the marathon, I got hit with a really nasty flu virus or something....the kind that takes you down for a number of days and completely wipes you out when you're down there.  I was down for 2 weeks.  And this one wiped me out.  So much so that before I started trying to train again...still thinking I would be running the marathon...I went to the doctor to make sure I wasn't setting myself up for a fall by doing so.  Unfortunately because of my chronic fatigue syndrome history and how bad this virus affected me, my doctor strongly advised me from running the marathon.  The last thing I needed was a chronic fatigue syndrome relapse and be knocked out of my life for Lord knows how long.  The mere thought of fighting the insurance companies for disability and the endless doctor appointments for treatment should I have relapsed exhausted me...so I made the only logical decision and pulled out of the marathon.

And what's brought this desire back on?  Well, I'm tired of feeling tired all of the freaking time, and my lack of stamina is just really depressing.  And let's face it, I could stand to lose a few pounds...or 40.

But the real reason?  I need something else to focus on.  Sure I have some professional stresses, but if you've been looking at my latest posts you'll know where exactly my focus has been...and it's definitely not been at all on work like it should.  And quite honestly I just don't want to focus on my heart and the hurt that it's healing from because it's exhausting and unhealthy.  I'm tired at being on the verge of tears all of the freaking time when songs come on the radio or while watching a tv show or just when having certain thoughts cross my mind. Have you noticed how many songs are on the radio about having your heart broken?  I mean, seriously.

And yes, I am still actually in love.  I'm still on this freakin journey.  And about a week and half ago, I thought the journey was heading into a good direction.  A positive direction.  And now I'm not so sure what direction it's going.  Funny how these things can turn in an instant.  What I'm really tired of is having someone else in control of where this journey is going.  So I'm taking control back - at least with respect to my own mental state.  I'm going to do whatever I can to make myself feel physically well and hopefully my emotions will follow suit...and then we'll see where everything ends up.  

But for now...26.2 miles.



Friday, August 17, 2012

Being A Chick...

Sometimes I'm really not a fan of being a chick...especially when the hormones kick in.  You get extra tired, extra bitchy, extra unfocused, extra insecure...extra everything you aren't normally on most days.  You become short with people you care about, suspicious of the intentions of others, quick to judge and cranky when things don't go perfectly "your way."  And that's just the emotional stuff.  There's the bloating, the headaches, the cramping...and other things that I haven't even mentioned yet.  It's SO not an excuse for being those things because we women still have the choice to react to life differently in spite of those...um...issues.  But for some reason, other choices don't seem to present themselves in those moments of exhaustion, bitchiness and insecurity.  So we react poorly...or at least more poorly than normal.

So to all those who have had the unfortunate circumstance of being caught in my line of fire over the last few days...and there are a few of you....I am way sorry.  *popping in the Midol and evening primrose oil*





Thursday, August 16, 2012

I Would Like To Be Known....

 

This...Especially the Last Sentence


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“I heard what you said. I’m not the silly romantic you think. I don’t want the heavens or the shooting stars. I don’t want gemstones or gold. I have those things already. I want a steady hand, a kind soul. I want to fall asleep, and wake, knowing my heart is safe.”


- Shana Abé (via oofpoetry)



Tuesday, August 14, 2012

I Wish....


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The Perfect Day...


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You want to know the fastest way to ruin a perfect day?  Overanalyze it after it happens.

This past Saturday.  That was a perfect day.  Perfect in that pretty much everything that happened that day was not planned.  At all.  And the day just fell together in perfection.  So much perfection that there was even a movie moment.  What's a movie moment, you ask?  Well it's a moment that occurs that is so insanely romantic, so perfect in its evolution, that even if you had the imagination to think it up and try to arrange it, it couldn't have possibly happened without some divine intervention.  And yet, it happened.

The scene:  an unscheduled stop on a drive from San Diego to LA to go jet ski.  A clear calm day out on the ocean, the heat wave that had plagued Southern California for days had lifted just enough to be pleasantly hot, and jet skis were available for rent in the early afternoon on this beautiful day in the marina...on a very busy Saturday in the marina. 

Oh but that's not all....

My Handsome and I get out there...out into the ocean and weave our way between various other watercraft and head straight out into the open sea.  All of a sudden I see him slow down in front of me and kneel down to pick up something out of the water.  I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me.  That couldn't possibly be a long stem red rose in his hand, could it?  And the next thing I knew he reached out his arm with the rose at the end of his fingertips to present it to me.  I'm not even kidding when I say that I totally glanced around for a camera or cameras that may have been capturing the moment...as if I was on the Bachelor or something.  I mean, it was my very first time on a jet ski.  I wasn't even supposed to be in southern California this past weekend.  There were boats and other watercraft that passed through that very area right before us making waves and moving the water around.  Of all of the directions we could have headed out to explore on jet skis, we went in that direction.  And directly in our path was the rose.  In perfect condition..in perfect bloom. 

We both still don't know what to make of what happened.  That entire day was completely unplanned, and completely perfect in how it transpired for us.  But that moment.  That moment was complete perfection.

Unfortunately, I had set the rose down by my feet because the long stem couldn't fit in the storage compartment of the jet ski, and it popped out of the jet ski on one of the waves soon after.  It's ok though because the memory of that moment was more powerful than the rose itself.

I've been thinking a lot about that Saturday, and trying not to think too hard about the whys and just enjoy the memories of it happening....because the fastest way to ruin a perfect day is to overanalyze it.

Side note:
I know what you're thinking...wasn't there just a series of posts on heartbreak and pain involving "My Handsome" also known as my "Someone Special?"  Yes, yes there was.  My heart isn't yet whole again.  It won't be for a while.  There was a lot that happened in between those posts and this past weekend.  It's too completely personal and still too close in the occurrence for me to properly write about it here.  I may never write about it publicly except to say love is a journey.  And I may be the dumbest smart girl ever, but I'm not ready to let go of this particular journey quite yet.




Friday, August 3, 2012

More Than I Am...

Another song on my "Theme Song" List.... While this entire song is true....I deserve to be loved in the same way I love...and I realize that while it's a possibility, there's an equal possibility that it won't ever happen...at least I haven't seen it yet.  




Ain't nobody gonna treat you better
Ain't nobody gonna touch you better
Ain't nobody gonna love you better
Boy, than I am, than I am

When you're out at night and you're in the streets
And you have time to yourself
Think of all the love that you get from me
That you can't find nowhere else

When you're far away and I'm not around
And temptation fills your heart
Think of all the ways that I'm faithful, babe
And to replace me would be hard, 'cause there's nobody

Ain't nobody gonna treat you better
(No, nobody)
Ain't nobody gonna touch you better
(Nobody)
Ain't nobody gonna love you better
(No)
Boy, than I am, than I am
(Nobody, nobody)
Than I am
(Nobody, nobody)
Than I am
(Nobody, nobody)

Ohh, nobody's gonna treat you as good as I am

You can try to act single if you wanna
You can go ahead and mingle if you wanna
You can even behave like
You don't care
But you know
(But you know)
Like I know
(Like I know)

That you ain't that foolish, who you foolin'?
You won't ruin what's been here all along
You ain't movin' from what you got at home

Ain't nobody gonna treat you better
Ain't nobody gonna touch you better
(Ain't nobody gonna touch you)
Ain't nobody gonna love you better
Boy, than I am, than I am
(Nobody, nobody)
Than I am
(Nobody, nobody)
Than I am
(Nobody's gonna touch you)
(Nobody, nobody)

Ohh, nobody's gonna treat you as good as I am

I just want you to know, baby, I love you so
There is no need to go lookin' for nothing more
'Cause I've got everything you'll ever need right here
But if you feel that you need to leave, just know

Ain't nobody gonna treat you better
Ain't nobody gonna touch you better
(Ain't nobody)
Ain't nobody gonna love you better
Boy, than I am, than I am

Ain't nobody gonna treat you better
Ain't nobody gonna touch you better
Ain't nobody gonna love you better
Boy, than I am, than I am
(Nobody, nobody)

Than I am
(Nobody, nobody)

Than I am
(Nobody, nobody)

Ohh, nobody's gonna treat you as good as I am
(Nobody, nobody)

Than I am
(Nobody, nobody)

Than I am
(Nobody, nobody)

Ohh, nobody's gonna treat you as good as I am

As I am

As I am

Ohh, nobody's gonna treat you as good as I am
(Nobody, nobody)

As I am
(Nobody, nobody)

As I am
(Nobody, nobody)

Ohh, nobody's gonna treat you as good as I am




Thursday, August 2, 2012

You Only Get One Shot...Do NOT Miss Your Chance!

Since having to get my new phone after my Blackberry literally died on me, I have been slowing adding apps to it...one of which being Spotify. A great service that I was really excited about when it came to the US but wore out when a lot of my clients had blocked me from being able to access it on the internet at work...and did I mention I used to have a Blackberry?  Well forget about that.

Anyway,  apparently last year when I signed up for the service I had made a number of playlists...one of which I named "My Theme Songs."  At the top of the playlist?  Lose Yourself by Eminem.  It has always been song that made me feel like I could get through anything, that would put me in the right mindset to fight through whatever I needed to get through.  Another interesting moment when this song showed up?  During one of the Tony Robbins Leadership events that I took part in.  It was one of the "challenges" that I knew what coming in the event that scared me the most out of all of the other challenges in the other events....breaking a board with my hand.  You would think walking on fire or climbing to the top of a telephone pole and jumping off would freak me out more.  Don't get me wrong, I totally had moments of panic at those challenges.  But this one?  I think I could visualize and feel the pain of what it would be like to "crush" my hand on a board trying to break it.  Once we had about an hour of instruction/practice on how to actually do it, guess what song they pumped out at full blast while each of us took our turn "breaking the board?"  Yup...the one that I needed to hear the most. 

I find it interesting that this song slipped my mind during the past few weeks and only resurfaced now.  Maybe I just wasn't ready to hear it yet.  Now it's time to get me back.  It's time to "lose myself in the music."







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