Monday, July 30, 2012

Coffee and Me

 

 

Sunday, July 29, 2012

Always Be Batman

 

 

Smart Girls

 

 

Amen

 

Friday, July 20, 2012

It's Not Rocket Science

 

Loving Without Regret





Here's the thing that's different about loving as a teenager and loving as an adult. Sometimes when you grow up, you actually "grow up" and realize that every experience, good and bad, got you to where you are in this moment. It shaped you for better or worse. It allowed you to love even more with your whole heart or it made you afraid to fully ever love at all. Either way, you were shaped by those experiences, and those that grow up from them realize that while you may be grateful and appreciative for all of the wonderful, amazing experiences, you should be even MORE grateful and appreciative for the ones that hurt you, that broke you, that taught who you are and what you are made of and what you can overcome. You should never regret those experiences.

With everything that has happened and everything that I felt over the last week (and with the tragedy in Colorado that happened overnight) the one thing that I've realized surprisingly is that through it all, not for one second did I regret one moment of love for "My Handsome" as I call him...and will forever call him (at least in my mind).  Even with the heartbreak I now feel, it's made me so happy to fall in love with him over the last couple of years.  So happy. 

I know I said that I don't know if I will trust another man again.  I obviously said that out of hurt and pain.  That's not true.  I'll eventually trust again.  I may even eventually trust "My Handsome" again.  Who knows?  But I must remember that regardless of how I go forth in this life, no matter what path I choose or what choices I make, I shall not regret one moment of it.



Thursday, July 19, 2012

Who Knew?

I knew I loved him. I knew I loved him deeply. I had no idea how deeply as the shock has started to wear off and I'm left an ocean of emotion that's storming with no control over the changing tides. Okay, very little control. Just enough to make it through the day without making me seem completely pathetic.

I had no idea how deeply I loved him, until I literally had to pull over to the side of the road driving into work this morning when I heard Pink's acoustic version of this song very similar to the one I'm posting here.  I had no idea how deeply I loved him, until it was taken away from me.  Who knew?






Monday, July 16, 2012

Falling From Cloud 9

I think it may be fairly obvious from my last post that I’m currently going through a heartbreak. I don’t go through these very often in my lifetime. I’ve been bruised fairly often, but actual breaks? The kind of breaks where every part of you (physically, emotionally and spiritually) feels broken? Well now there have been 3 in my life so far. The first was my father. The second was in 2003. And now. (By the way, my heart was so broken in 2003 that it took me until about two years ago to even consider letting anyone else in there - to risk that kind of devastation again.) I really thought this one would eventually be worth the risk. I hope that someday I will heal enough to take the leap again. But obviously the risk of heartbreak is not something you want to go about inviting into your life, and this one is so bad that I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to trust a man again.

I’m not going to go into the gory details about what happened. It’s really not worth my blog space. That formerly “special someone” has already taken up too much space in my blog over the last couple of years that he really didn’t deserve. I just wanted to communicate that I’m going through a level of devastation right now that I don’t know how long I will be feeling, so the blog posts over the next few weeks (months? Years?) may seem a little bipolar as I have my up days and down days.

One of the positives that have come out of this is the level of support from those close and not so close to me. All I had to say was that I was hurting right now, insinuating what had happened without having to spell it out, and people came flooding out of the woodwork to comfort me. What’s even more interesting is the various men in my past…casual friends or co-workers and otherwise who have reached out to offer support and assure me of my value and worth….to let me know how well I had treated them in whatever capacity (mostly plutonic) and that I was so “wonderful” they were hoping that they were assuming wrong…that someone hadn’t taken advantage of my heart. I’m not expressing this to say…”See how many people think I’m awesome?” I’m expressing it to say, “Always treat people with respect and kindness. Care about your fellow human beings. Really care.  You never know when they will surprise you and return the favor when you’re in need.” It’s been a wonderful reminder to not shut people out and think poorly of all men. I may never seek the company of one again (or at least anytime in the near future). So for now, I’m continuing my fall from Cloud 9. I sincerely hope I make a permanent return visit at some point in my life.



"Wide Awake"


I'm wide awake

I'm wide awake

I'm wide awake

Yeah, I was in the dark
I was falling hard
With an open heart
I'm wide awake
How did I read the stars so wrong?

I'm wide awake

And now it's clear to me
That everything you see
Ain't always what it seems

I'm wide awake

Yeah, I was dreaming for so long

I wish I knew then
What I know now
Wouldn't dive in
Wouldn't bow down
Gravity hurts
You made it so sweet
'Til I woke up on
On the concrete

Falling from cloud 9
Crashing from the high
I'm letting go tonight
Yeah, I'm falling from cloud 9

I'm wide awake

Not losing any sleep
I picked up every piece
And landed on my feet

I'm wide awake

Need nothing to complete myself, no

I'm wide awake

Yeah, I am born again
Outta the lion's den
 I don't have to pretend
And it's too late
The story's over now, the end

I wish I knew then
What I know now
Wouldn't dive in
Wouldn't bow down
Gravity hurts
You made it so sweet
'Til I woke up on
On the concrete

Falling from cloud 9 (it was out of the blue)
I'm crashing from the high
I'm letting go tonight (yeah, I'm letting you go)
I'm falling from cloud 9

I'm wide awake

Thunder rumbling
Castles crumbling

I'm wide awake

I am trying to hold on

I'm wide awake

God knows that I tried
Seeing the bright side

I'm wide awake

But I'm not blind anymore...

I'm wide awake

I'm wide awake

Yeah, I'm falling from cloud 9 (it was out of the blue)
I'm crashing from the high
You know I'm letting go tonight (yeah, I'm letting you go)
I'm falling from cloud 9

 I'm wide awake

I'm wide awake

I'm wide awake

I'm wide awake

I'm wide awake






Wednesday, July 11, 2012

25 Things Revisited

I'm kind of going through some stuff right now. I know, I know. When am I not going through some stuff. Well, it's stuff I need to let sit and process and see how I really feel about the situation once it's had time to sift through me. Until then, I'm just going to be churning through a lot of different emotions as it's sorting itself out, so I'm going to be either revisiting past posts, writing about random stuff, venting or just go silent. Either way it's going to be a potpourri of words and pics...much like the rest of this blog has been.

Which brings me to today's revisited blog.  Remember a while back when the whole "25 Things About Me" was being thrown about Facebook...and possibly Twitter?  Well, of course I wrote my 25 things down and posted it...way back in 2009 and can be found here.  I thought it would be fun to repost it and see if these things were still true about me today...because, as you know, people change and evolve.  Boy do I know it.

Here we go:

1. I was trilingual at one point early on in life – English, Mandarin Chinese and Norwegian. I was born in Norway, so I apparently picked up the language from TV. The other two came from my parents. Today I only speak English and some basic Spanish (gracias Sra. Grogan), go figure.

2. I am an only child; however I have many brothers and sisters in the form of soul friends that have come in and out of my life. I don’t keep in touch with all of these people regularly, or at all, but I will always consider them family.

3. My first crush was John Travolta. I was three years old and was supposed to be asleep in the back of my parents’ station wagon when they went to the drive-in to see Grease. I woke up just as Danny Zuko was being introduced and John’s beautiful face and blue eyes filled that screen. What a wonderful way to discover boys! He will always hold a special place in my heart.

4. If I could make a living as a writer, I would love to do it. I just need to decide to go for it.

5. My dream is to live on the oceanfront, not just near it. The sound and feel of water brings such calmness to my mind and spirit.

6. #5 may explain why I do my best thinking in the shower. Some people “sleep on it.” I bathe.

7. I grew up Baptist, but now I identify more with Eastern religions – though I don’t claim any one as my own. What I do believe in and what is common among all religions is that there is something outside of us out there. I think we would be naïve to think otherwise.

8. I love love LOVE all things with bling – to a point that it may be embarrassing (that is, to someone else). If you want to distract me, pull out something sparkly.

9. I’ve shared “moments” with Tim McGraw, Michael Bublè and Donnie Wahlberg. Love Bublè, but the moments with Tim and Donnie were truly full circle life moments and reaffirmation that “impossible” dreams aren’t necessarily so impossible after all. Not about who it was I shared an experience with necessarily, but more about what it meant to me and why.

10. I’ve only truly fallen in love once in my life. It’s true what they say. If you feel the need to question whether you were (are) in love with someone, then you weren’t. There is absolutely no doubt involved when it happens.

11. I still haven’t figured out why I can’t adequately find the words to verbalize my experiences in #9 to express why it was so special, but I can totally blog about #10.

12. #10 was unrequited, and truth be told, I would give up everything else on my list of things I want to do before I die to experience true love requited.

13. I unequivocally believe that every moment in life is perfect. It may be a painful moment or a spectacularly fabulous one, but every moment is perfection.

14. My heart breaks a little (or a lot) every time I see a bride walk down the aisle on her father’s arm or dance with her father at the reception because I know for sure that this is one childhood dream that will never come true for me.

15. I love to sing because I can express and release emotions that I can’t seem to get out any other way. I will rarely do it for public consumption, so you can ask but don’t hold your breath. It’s truly personal to me.

16. Ever since I can remember, I’ve known my purpose in life is to impact people on a very large scale. That’s cool, right? But I haven’t figured out how I’m supposed to do that or why. I’ve impacted people one-on-one, and even in a group of about 50, but I’m talking large scale here. I’m guessing ya’ll will know when I’ve figured it out.

17. I lived in the South when I was young, and I’ve retained some of that drawl – though it pretty much only comes out when I’m pissed, tired or drunk.

18. I have this desire to get a tattoo, but I don’t know if I will actually go through with it. I’ve picked out the design and color scheme. It’s the location that I can’t commit to.

19. I believe that in most cases, kissing is more intimate than sex. No, I did not get that from Pretty Woman. It’s from personal experience.

20. I have this weird fascination with catalogs. I think this has been the case from birth since I have baby pictures with me being entertained with the Sears catalog in my hot pink Winnie the Pooh footie pajamas on our hardwood living room floor in Oslo. Sexy, no?

21. Music is my strongest emotional anchor. A movie or tv show can bring me to tears, and a book can make me feel like I’m falling in love alongside the characters (thank you Twilight), but music truly transports me to another place. For some of you, this will explain why I suddenly had tears in my eyes at the oddest times.

22. I have a desire to go to law school – but no desire to be a lawyer.

23. I will spend and have spent the money to go on the World of Coca-Cola tour every time I’m in Vegas just to get to the perfectly mixed fountain Coke at the end of it. I would probably go out of my mind if I ever visited the HQ in Atlanta.

24. My guilty pleasures include anything Gossip Girl, Twilight or Sex and the City related. You thought I was going to say NKOTB, didn’t you? There is not one ounce of guilt I feel from the pleasure derived from anything related to NKOTB. :-)

25. I wholeheartedly believe in karma. What you put out there is always returned eventually in some form or fashion (and it’s not always obvious when it comes back to you). So to all who read this, I wish a life full of love, laughter and fulfillment.


So what's changed?

- I'm ok now with not living on the ocean as long as I can see it from the window/balcony of wherever I am living.
- I plead the 5th on the things discussing love...except for #12.  That's still true.
- I've added to the tattoo designs that I have in mind if I ever decide to get a tattoo.  Though I still haven't committed to a location.  That's still holding me up.
- My guilty pleasures have definitely changed since 2009.  Not really feeling guilty about anything that brings me pleasure nowadays.  :)

Yeah, the more things change, the more things stay the same.





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