Tuesday, May 8, 2012

The Moment

There is a slow motion kind of silence that happens the moment your life changes forever. The moment when you realize that everything you know in life to be true may not necessarily be so. The moment you measure life as before and after this moment.  When your memory of that moment replays like that in a silent movie. Crackling, fuzzy, jumpy.  Almost like you're watching it as if it was happening under water.  Some people are fortunate to have never experienced these kind of moments and have no idea what I'm referring to here.  Others know it all too well.  I've experienced these moments twice.

The first, when I discovered my father had died, sent me into numbness immediately...because there were things to do.  People to call.  Arrangements to be made.  Adulthood to step into.  Instantly.  My subconscious was protecting me of the traumatic pain of course.  Putting me into "logistics mode" to get things done, absent all feelings.  To be the strong one to make the decisions.  Letting time pass before letting me feel it so that I didn't lose my sanity completely.  Because I could have.  So easily.  When I finally felt this one, well, let's just say that it seems my subconscious is still somewhat slowly letting me feel the depth of the pain of this loss.  And it's been 18 years.  There may never be a true end to it, but it does feel somewhat lessened every time it makes an appearance.

The second, when the cousin I was closest to died - this one I felt instantly.  Every single devastatingly painful second of his passing.  Maybe it was because he didn't go quickly. We had seven weeks of hanging on to hope before the inevitable was realized.  But every moment, from the time his AVM burst out of nowhere...to the time of his death...to now, I feel his absence, the loss.

This is what I've been feeling the past week or two.  Intimately.  The losses.  The slow recovery from these losses.  It always seems to happen around this time of year as certain dates pass, certain memories revisit.  This year for some reason, the memory of that slow motion silence reappeared with the memories as well, taking me back visually to the foggy slow motion of those moments.  I guess it's taken this long for me to be able to process it, to recognize it, and to let it move through me, and to begin to heal.

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