Friday, May 25, 2012

On My Mind...

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I have SO many things going on in my mind right now, and it's making me exhausted. What's going on in that noggin of mine? Well, pick a subject. It seems I have thoughts running around in there concerning every aspect of my life. Not one area seems settled at the moment. Not one. That's not to say that things aren't calm in at least one area of my life. It just doesn't feel like it in my head...or my heart.

I keep hearing, "Don't overthink it, Michelle" going 'round and 'round in my ears every time I sit still and let my thoughts take control...

How long can I financially last if another project doesn't come around?

Did I disappoint him because something seemed a little off at times when I was with him?  I hate disappointing anyone, especially him.

What is going on in my client's head and why do I feel like she's not as forthcoming as I had previously given her credit?

I'm tired of working for someone else, but then what else would I do?

I wish my mom would go out and find her least make an attempt at it...

These are just a few of the questions/topics/thoughts floating around my head at any given time these last couple of weeks.  As in control as I appear to everyone (and I'd like to think that for the most part I actually am in control), there are times I wish I could hand over the reins to someone and ask them to take care of me for a while...make all the decisions.  Have you ever felt that way?  Just hand it all over and have someone else decide everything for a little while...or even just ask you what you want and then go about putting forth the effort in making it happen and you not having to lift a finger.

Although it might read that way in my blog, I don't really get to this point that often. Not this point.  My spirit's been injured.  Is there something to fix that?

I'm heading to Seattle tonight for a quick trip and an attempt at a little R&R over the Memorial Day weekend with my mom.  Granted it would probably be more relaxing if I went alone.  It usually is.  But I kinda feel like I need my mommy with me this weekend, and I know she needs me.

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

The Moment

There is a slow motion kind of silence that happens the moment your life changes forever. The moment when you realize that everything you know in life to be true may not necessarily be so. The moment you measure life as before and after this moment.  When your memory of that moment replays like that in a silent movie. Crackling, fuzzy, jumpy.  Almost like you're watching it as if it was happening under water.  Some people are fortunate to have never experienced these kind of moments and have no idea what I'm referring to here.  Others know it all too well.  I've experienced these moments twice.

The first, when I discovered my father had died, sent me into numbness immediately...because there were things to do.  People to call.  Arrangements to be made.  Adulthood to step into.  Instantly.  My subconscious was protecting me of the traumatic pain of course.  Putting me into "logistics mode" to get things done, absent all feelings.  To be the strong one to make the decisions.  Letting time pass before letting me feel it so that I didn't lose my sanity completely.  Because I could have.  So easily.  When I finally felt this one, well, let's just say that it seems my subconscious is still somewhat slowly letting me feel the depth of the pain of this loss.  And it's been 18 years.  There may never be a true end to it, but it does feel somewhat lessened every time it makes an appearance.

The second, when the cousin I was closest to died - this one I felt instantly.  Every single devastatingly painful second of his passing.  Maybe it was because he didn't go quickly. We had seven weeks of hanging on to hope before the inevitable was realized.  But every moment, from the time his AVM burst out of the time of his now, I feel his absence, the loss.

This is what I've been feeling the past week or two.  Intimately.  The losses.  The slow recovery from these losses.  It always seems to happen around this time of year as certain dates pass, certain memories revisit.  This year for some reason, the memory of that slow motion silence reappeared with the memories as well, taking me back visually to the foggy slow motion of those moments.  I guess it's taken this long for me to be able to process it, to recognize it, and to let it move through me, and to begin to heal.

Friday, May 4, 2012

Fifty Shades of Grey - The Obligatory Post

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Because I too have read the trilogy, I felt like I should go ahead and jump on the bandwagon and write a post about it.  It's sure as hell not the first post, and it most definitely won't be the last, but it feels like it must be done, so here we go...

About a month ago I saw some mentions on my Twitter timeline regarding this book called Fifty Shades of Grey.  My first thought was, "Meh, if I start seeing a lot of folks mention it then I'll check it out."  And then I started seeing a lot of talk about it in my timeline...and then even more on TV and thought..."Well I'll just download the first book and see what all the fuss is about."  The only thing that I knew about it was that it was described to be erotica.  Well okay eyebrow lifted in interest.  Mind you, I had no background on how the story came to be, the inspiration, the link to Twilight, etc.  The truth of the matter is that I saw absolutely no resemblance to the Twilight story really with the exception of it being set in Seattle.  Then again, I wasn't looking for any similarities either...and not once did the thought crossed my mind that hmmm, I've read this story before.

Thus began my own tale of devouring the first...then the second...and then the third book all in the course of a week.  I just couldn't stop myself.  I'm not sure specifically what kept me drawn to it.  Here's my take.  Keep in mind that I read through the trilogy...VERY fast, so I'm gonna have to go back and read it more slowly, you know, to make sure I didn't miss anything the first time around.  ;)

The sex was hot, but descriptions of sex over and over and over and over...and over...again and you're thinking...geez really?  Again?  I mean, how many times can you describe the journey to an orgasm?  In detail?  At the same time, I'm not gonna front and say I didn't like the raunchy descriptions.  I totally dug it.  Just seemed like a lot, especially when you consider how quickly the first encounter to marriage takes place.  I mean books 1-3 takes place over like what...4 or 5 months?  But I guess suspending yourself from reality is kind of the point when reading a story like this.

I have read some criticism regarding the quality of the writing, and so on.  First of all, this is not going to be everyone's cup of tea.  The writing isn't Pulitzer Prize winning, but millions of copies have been sold, and it's a fun raunchy romantic novel, so does that really matter?  If you want to read literature with a love story, pick up Pride and Prejudice. By the way, my style of writing can't exactly be compared to Shakespeare either, but here you are reading it...

Like everything else, a lot of people are also going to form an opinion before even reading the back cover and decide not to read it because they think it's an offshoot of Twilight or they're not into BDSM or whatever.  All I can say is, give things a chance before forming an might just change your mind...that is, only if you're willing to have it changed.  And I'm not necessarily just referring to this book. Otherwise, just accept that this is a fun read.  Or just don't read it.  Isn't democracy grand?

Some of my favorite parts were the emails back and forth between Christian and Ana...because I sorta have exchanged similar type emails and can see myself doing it I definitely giggled a lot reading them.  The author has said that those emails were fun to write.  I had fun reading them.  I enjoyed the characters and the possibilities of future books from Christian's point of view.  There's so much the author could do from that side.


So I started writing this post right after I finished the trilogy.  I took a week off, couldn't help myself, and picked up the first book again to begin reading.  As I was in the middle of Chapter 4, it hit me.  I know a big reason why I'm loving these books personally.  It's not that I want the Christian Grey in the novels.  When Christian says Anastasia's name in the book and then Anastasia's feelings are narrated about how she feels when he says it, I think of my special someone.  How I feel similar if not the same when he says my name.  How I feel when he touches me, kisses me, looks at me.  I read a passage, then I close my eyes and relive real moments of feeling the exact same way.  I think that's why this second read through is even more enjoyable for me.  I know what's going to happen.  I don't have to get sucked into wondering what's going to happen next.  I can just read it, enjoy it and relive my moments all the way through it.

So my take in 140 characters or less:

Read the books.  Loved them.  Re-reading them. The end.

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