Monday, October 3, 2011

Stepping Back...

Photo credit:  image found on Google search
When life is moving at warp speed, it's easy to get caught up in it.  It's exciting.  It feels like you're part of something bigger...that it's not just you out there hacking it out in the world alone.  It feels tremendous.  You start to believe that everyone you come into contact with has been placed there in your path to help you, to befriend you.  You start to trust in situations and people where you would have immediately questioned intentions before.  You start to let walls down.  You start to let people in.  You start to throw caution to the wind.  And why wouldn't you?  Good things and experiences reinforce the "good intentions" that are coming your way.  The right things are being said at the right times.  The right gestures are being made.  Before you know it, you really start believing it.  You've thrown a proverbial wet blanket right over those little nagging gut reactions and messages that are still trying to get through because they're raining on the parade that just feels so good.

I may have thrown a wet blanket over my gut, but they still crept into my neck, upper back and shoulders.  Apparently not only do I store my tension there, my pent-up unreleased emotions reside in that space too.  How do I know?  Last Friday I had a Thai massage after work.  I try to get these a few times throughout the year.  I get regular massages in general.  The Thai method, however, is the only one that really gets all of my tension out of every part of my body - literally from the top of my head to my toes.  It all gets worked on.

I expected to feel relaxed, which I did.  What I didn't expect was the crazy roller coaster of emotions that I rode on the entire rest of the weekend.  It was really surprising quite honestly.  I didn't expect all of the feelings that came pouring out of me.  Saturday I just felt like I was walking around in a fog.  I didn't feel sick, but I didn't feel good.  Sunday I woke up and all I wanted to do was cry...which I did.  A really good sob.  Usually when that happens I end up feeling pretty light and good after.  But I just felt spent.  And then I felt like purging my house...which I started to do.

Where did this flood of emotion end up leaving me today?  Well, I still feel pretty spent.  And more than anything I'm pulling back.  Taking a break from Twitter.  Taking a break from Facebook.  Taking a break from socializing in general.  After what I went through this weekend, I've obviously have been neglecting me emotionally over the last few weeks, months, years?  Time to re-evaluate friendships, relationships, certain decisions.  Things where I know I've ignored that little voice that's telling me to do the opposite of what I ended up doing.

Does that mean I'm going to blog less? (I know, I know.  It's not like I blog all that much now.)

I don't know.

I'm just...

Stepping back....into myself.

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