Sunday, October 23, 2011

I Don't Even Know What To Say...

Do you ever have those days where you can't seem to say or do anything right?  That's me today.  Of course the barometer I'm using to measure this is my mother...and Lord knows that on days like today, it's usually not the most reliable of measuring techniques.

It seems my mother and I are both having an emotional day and that makes for a very combustible environment.  It feels like high school all over again, and I'm realizing the very real possibility that regardless of my accomplishments as a woman and adult, that my mother may never see me as an adult.  She'll never allow me to make my own decisions and possibly the mistakes I need to make without putting me through verbal hell first, and I'm totally rebelling in  the adolescent conversation we seem to continue to have.

I fully take responsibility for my part in this.  I mean, I know I'm not the only adult daughter to turn back into the insecure teenage girl when her mother relives ancient arguments that never seem to rest in the grave of arguments past where they belong.  I don't even know what comes over me, but I find myself just being brutally honest about what I'm hearing and what I'm seeing, and I continuously point out the hypocritical accusations coming out of my mother's mouth.  

My mother:  "You are SO critical of everything I do!"

Me (eyes wide):  "Are you being serious right now?  Hello kettle.  You're black."

I don't know why I can't be the bigger person and just keep my mouth shut, but God she just hits all of my buttons like I know I hit hers.  While we are VERY different individuals in our views on the world and how to live in it, we are so similar in many ways too.

It's days like today that I realize how alone I really am.  I have my mother in my life, but I don't really have her with me.  As far as everyone else...well that feels all up in the air too.  How did I get here?

myspace glitter graphics

No comments:

Post a Comment

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...