Monday, July 18, 2011

Keeping Up...

So much has happened in the last week or so that it's been hard for me to keep up with the blogging thing here and share the info...not like anyone's reading it anyway, but you know...

Last week I had some devastating news pop up in my life.  News that was 8 years old...but news that I definitely would not have been able to handle in 2003 when it went down.  2003 was like 1994 to me...tragic, painful, almost impossibly horrible.  2003 was when the events in my life added to what I still had not recovered from in 1994 took me down, and I mean shut my body down making me bedridden for 9 months with illness.  It was no joke. 

It's been a long road to who I am now, who I continue to evolve into.  In the last couple of months, I've had the most amazing dreams come true.  Dreams once considered by me to be impossible.  Ricky Martin...Tim McGraw...and most recently New Kids on the Block...a dream 23 years in the making. But after having all three of them occur within such a short period of time of each other in the same summer, I was anxious about it.  I mean, not that I'm second guessing life, but I feared what might be coming that I "needed" these things to be happening in my life to hang on to.  My mom has told me every time I've experienced a dream in the last decade or so that my dad had a hand in it.  That he is trying to find ways to make up for him not being here, for what I had to endure.  And I felt that anyway because I could feel him...and these experiences usually occurred around the timeframe of my birthday.  He's never forgotten.  But having him stack up these dream experiences one on top of each other had me worried.  He knew what I had hung on to to make it through the events of the past.  What was coming that he was giving me the live versions of my safety nets?

It was news.  Devasting news.  News 8 years old but a continuation of the pain that had started with my dad's death.  News that came right smack dab in the middle of the week when I was still basking in the glow from the previous weekend. News that I started to drown in and was having a hard time swimming my way out of...but at least I was swimming this time.  News that brought up the pain of the loss of my dad.

When I've had a hard time with verbalizing what it is I'm feeling, I say it with music...so this was the music I posted on Facebook last week upon hearing the news:



And then that brought my feelings about my dad, and what continues to be in my heart to this day....


And as fate would have it, I had fun plans already scheduled for this past weekend as some friends from Canada would be in town ...and I couldn't wait for the distraction.  But I was scared that I would either bring the party down with the energy that I was bringing to it or that as much fun as I anticipated having, it wouldn't be enough to distract me.  But those fears went unfounded when I had another friend unexpectantly arrive as well...the one I really needed and wanted to see.  The friend that had no idea what I had been going through the few days before but showed up as if he knew I needed him to be there and was everything I needed him to be.  Now I want more time with him...but that's another post for another time... 

An extreme low sandwiched in between extreme highs...a sequence I can only thank my dad for helping to arrange...and as always, incredibly grateful for the way it all unfolded.

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