Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Disappointment

I had lunch with someone today.  She's a professional collegue with whom I had lost touch somewhat over the last couple of years for various reasons on both sides, but I had thought that we had moved into a friendship beyond professional boundaries nevertheless.  So when she happened to run into me yesterday and wanted to catch up for lunch, I thought, "Great!  It's been a little while since I had a little professional girl time where we could talk about work, what's been happening with people we both had in common, what's been happening in our lives, etc."  And we did that...but it became very apparent very quickly that she really just wanted to pick my brain, to find out how I had been living and getting by since I was laid off a little over a year and a half ago, if I could be a reference (after offering up to be one of mine first if I would like) and if I knew of anyone that could use someone with her skills.   Basically, she wanted to get together because she was fishing and wanted something from me, not really to just catch up.

It's not like I won't help her or think of her should a good employment opportunity came up to get her out of her current one or that I wouldn't share the lessons learned in my life to spare her from having to experience them as well...but I think it was just in the delivery. It was how it came about in conversation.  That all the conversation leading up to the last 20 minutes was just her biding her time to warm me up until she could get to why she really wanted to go to lunch with me.  Disappointing to say the least, when she was one of the last people I expected that from. :(


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Monday, April 11, 2011

14 Days....

Source
Fourteen days folks...fourteen business days that is...until I am through with this project that has stripped me of my energy, my spirit, my desire for a social life, and at times my will to live.  Dramatic much?  Absolutely.  But it's become undeniably apparent that when I'm doing something I have absolutely no desire to do for hours on end - regardless of the money involved, I just die inside.  I have always been a proponent of "change your attitude, change your life."  For whatever reason, my mind kept trying to change my attitude, but my heart just wasn't into it.  It was too drained trying to make me get my ass out of bed in the morning. 

Was it the people I was working with?  No.  I rather enjoyed their company.  Was it the client I was working on?  No.  They were a disaster, but I learned a lot and they were pleasant enough to work with.  It was how I was spending my hours.

I don't know why the work itself was stripping me of any life my spirit had built up over the years.  I mean, I spent the first 7 years of my career doing this work.  It is the foundation of  my entire professional life so far.  But I am SO done.  And if I harbor any sick and twisted thoughts about returning to this for another project, please someone...do whatever you can to stop me.


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Friday, April 1, 2011

The Story

I did something yesterday.  It's not something that I haven't done before.  I shared the link to my blog with someone who has been written about in here....though so many posts have been written generically that some entries he may think pertains to him...may not.  It's not that I wasn't going to share the thoughts and feelings I felt I could not express in person.  It's just I had always thought that I would do it like I did previously with those that I cared about...long after it was over...after I had time to reflect, appreciate, and lay down a summary of it in words that I felt was fair to the situation and to my feelings rather than bring the person into the confusing back and forth way that my posts sometimes go when I don't know where my feelings stand and I'm still trying to figure them out. 

So dear friend who has not been given a nickname in here yet like Blue Eyes or the All American, if you are reading this, please know that every word I have written was true and how I felt in the moment I was writing it and with the emotion of whatever else was happening in that day or whoever else happened across my path.  Hopefully it doesn't contradict anything that I've told you outside of this blog.  And if something you read confuses you, concerns you, freaks you out...please just ask and not assume....as I have been guilty of doing so many times throughout my life.  As an intended lifelong friend at the very least, I want you to know me.  And this is me...the confusing, frustrating, fun, intelligent, independent, annoying, aggravating, loving, caring chick you are still getting to know.  Keep reading.  You want to know what moves me?..who I am?...pay attention to the music I talk about.

When you read through this blog you will see references to songs and lyrics. This is the sountrack of my life. The right music for the moment seems to show up for me that expresses what I'm having a rough time expressing. Last night was the Musical Event of Grey's Anatomy. Now music is no stranger to this show and has been successfully used to convey the emotions of the storyline many times. Athough I'm not sure that I'm a fan of the musical integration with many of the characters singing throughout, the one performance by Sara Ramirez at the end of it...well she just killed it. And it was perfect for what I was feeling with everything that happened yesterday, professionally and personally.  Needless to say I was bawling by the end of it.  If I could hit all the notes, I would have belted it out myself.

All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am...





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