Thursday, October 21, 2010

With Regard to Not Falling...

After I wrote yesterday's post, I sat with it for a while.  Finished my work day.  Rode with it on the train on my commute home.  Had it accompany me to dinner.  And finally, in the shower where I work through most of whatever is happening in my brain, it processed.  The reason I haven't allowed and won't allow myself to feel for more than a second what my heart has normally felt at this that there is a real strong possibility that this someone will not ever want me to fall for him that way.  And I don't know that I want to go through that again.

What kills me is that I also know this to be true:  there will come a moment or a different person altogether where I will have no choice.  I will have fallen before I could stop myself, and my ability to not allow myself to go there this time may have answered many of my own questions.

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Wednesday, October 20, 2010

I am not falling....

Contrary to what my last couple of posts may have led you to believe, I am not love...for anyone...head over heels...down a flight of stairs, etc.  The reason for the running theme on this blog lately is because this whole "not falling" has me perplexed.  This is the part in the story where I normally would be falling.  Falling hard.  Falling deep. Falling to certain eventual devastation.  So since this is new territory for me, I do what I always do.  I think about it. I think about it A LOT.  I overthink it actually - because really if it's more than a passing thought I'm totally overthinking it.  It probably doesn't help that I'm way hormonal this week as well, so every emotion seems a bit more amplified than what it would be normally.  At least, that's what I want to believe.

Does it sound like I'm rambling? Because I so am. Rambling.  This seems to be another one of those situations of being careful what you wish for.  The last time I fell for someone, I fell all the way in love...and when that wasn't reciprocated and the friendship that came with it quickly went away as well, my wish was that my heart wouldn't fall so fast or so hard.  And that wish and ability I acquired served me well for the past few years.  But now we have come to someone.  Someone that at some point I may want to allow myself to fall for.  Someone that at some point may want me to fall for him.  And I may not be able to.  Is that possible?

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Tuesday, October 19, 2010

My New Favorite Mug...

Actually I just ordered it.  If you would like to order one or learn more about other products and the story behind it, go here:  Think Happy Stuff

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If You're Going To Fall In Love With Me....

If you are going to fall in love with me, it’s only fair that you know what you are falling in love with. You are falling in love with my insecurities, and my obsession with trying to figure out what everyone thinks of me. You are falling in love with my immaturity, my constant need to feel loved and appreciated, my overactive tear ducts, my internet obsession, my tendency to be too clingy. You fall in love with my troubled past, and my hopes and dreams, and how I’m a hopeless romantic at heart. If you fall in love with me, you fall in love with my self-hate and all my imperfections and my perception that nobody could ever love me. But, you are also falling in love with the way my eyes will smile when I’m with you, the way I’ll text you in the mornings just telling you I hope you have a great day. You’re falling in love with the occasionally humorous and/or thought-provoking things I say, and the way I blush when people ask me about you. But to me, the most important thing will be that you are falling in love with me, despite my thinking that it is impossible.

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Monday, October 18, 2010


The last one...that's the one that has eluded me....

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Friday, October 8, 2010

The Girl I Used To Be....

I came across this photo in my daily blog readings and had to laugh.  Switch out the face of this girl for mine, and this picture could have totally been taken in 1978...probably right through 1987 and in my family photo albums.  As a young girl with fear who didn't let it stand in her way, I had balls.  I had guts.  I had gumption. 

I was the girl that in the summer between the 6th and 7th grades, I went over to a boy's house to confront him and ask him what another girl had that I didn't.  What made him like her more than me....because for the life of me I just couldn't see it.  When that poor kid couldn't put two words together to give me an answer, I decided that he  was too stupid and not good enough for me and dropped it from that day forward. 

I often wondered what happened to that girl...she shows up every once in a while, but only when she's forced to. The truth is I know where she's hiding.  And I know she's been waiting for me to bring her back out and take life back by the balls.

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