Monday, April 19, 2010

The House that Built Me....and Broke Me

I heard this song by Miranda Lambert for the very first time last night when she performed it on the ACM Awards.  I was caught off guard.  Completely off guard.  It had already been an emotionally draining weekend, and I was starting to really just work through the emotions of it when I saw this performance.  It's all inter-related really...what was happening over the weekend....and what it meant in relation to this song.  

I was raised in a military family...so it might seem odd for one particular house to come to mind when I lived in so many over my life.  But one house did materialize, and the vision of it was so clear when I heard the song.  It was the house I lived in through my high school years and the beginning of my college years.  That house really did build me much into the woman I have become today.  Many firsts happened in that house or at least while I was living there....first boyfriend, first kiss, first car, first trip away from home by myself traveling with my high school band... the list of firsts are endless. It's the house where I have memories of things that happened in literally every single room of that house...and memories of things that happened in the front yard, across the street, on the deck, in the backyard, on the lake, one block over...it was the house that built me.

It was also the house that broke me.  

It's the house my dad died in.  The house that my dad made the choice to die in.  The house I learned about fear, abandonment, rejection and the most indescribable pain.  I went from a protected only child to an adult woman taking care of the entire household in the span of 1 second.  

A year later when I started putting the broken pieces of my life, of me, back together again and build an even stronger, more compassionate, more humble and more loving woman that was always meant to be, I had to put walls up too...to back away from risks...to not let anyone new in...until the foundation was strong enough to not crumble at the slightest stumble.  

"You leave home, you move on, and you do the best you can.  I got lost in this old world and forgotten who I am."

I've had the most amazing life once I had stepped into "me."  The most amazing life full of impossible moments that were made possible. I walked on fire. Broke a board with my palm. Saved a man's life with my words. Met the most amazing people. I fell in love. Experienced the most amazing full life circle moment that one day I will post here....but...

Sometimes you get too comfortable in who you've become that you stop growing, stop exercising the muscles of your soul, stop building "you". You forget who you really are.  That's when the universe will send you lessons.  The last six months have been a period of lessons in literally every area of my life.  There will never be another house that breaks me like the house I referred to earlier, but what I have learned is that the real house that built me is the one that houses my heart and soul, and that house will always be a work in progress - one that I must continue to build.

I'm including a live version of the song I'm referring to. It better captures the emotion that I felt last night.  The song may just "speak" to you too...





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