Saturday, February 27, 2010

It's Been A While....




You know, you can't really call yourself a blogger unless you actually blog...on a somewhat regular basis.  It's been a while since I have - mainly posting New Kids stuff because it's easy and has really been the only thing to get me excited in the last few months.  I've been kind of going through what I like to call, "a thing."  I haven't been in this "thing" for a while...for years, in fact.  One of those where life has thrown you a curveball and really knocked you on your ass.  If I was really honest, I haven't been emotionally knocked on my ass like this since my dad died...almost 16 years ago.

I have always been a go-getter.  An overachiever.  A competitor.  I still want a lot for myself.  That didn't go away.  What has disappeared is my desire to go get it.  The universe apparently thought I was ready for this one...and I am because I have acquired a lot of emotional tools to help me get through what I'm going through.  The thing is, I want to do more than survive, which is what is currently happening.  I want to live.  I've made plans to "live."  But I'm numb, and I don't know how to regain my feelings.When my dad died I did some pretty extreme things to get myself feeling again...well, extreme for me.  There may have been some drinking and debauchery...thank God in the very early stages of the internet so none of it actually got recorded for future amusement.  It made me feel something for moments, until my nervous system was ready to feel what I needed to in order to get through my mourning period.  I was a youngun though.  I was a teenager, who never really got into much trouble, so it didn't take much.

I have had a couple of moments of distraction in recent months not requiring too much alcohol or debauchery:

I had a short flirtation with someone...someone who kissed me and took my breath away...that never happened before. Sidenote: Reminded me of falling in love - it's not until you really experience it for the first time that you realize you had been kidding yourself with everyone before that moment.  That's what this kiss was like.  I thought I had had some really great kisses, until this one...

Chinese New Year - a celebration that lasts 2 weeks...  I started off the celebration with a couple of really awesome omens...one being winning money on penny slots...and we're talking a few hundred dollars...at a casino on Chinese New Year's Eve just as the clock struck midnight.  I had lost money the last 3 or 4 times I went to that casino, so it was really nice timing on the part of the slots to be winning at that moment - and for the entire night. 

Those were fun distractions, but what I really want is to feel again.  To feel like a stronger version of me.  To feel like the kind of woman I've spent 35 years working to become.  I am that woman. I deserve to feel like her.

Anyone have any suggestions?  Feel free to poke fun but I'd love some serious suggestions too...

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