Tuesday, January 5, 2010

About Relationships...



Once upon a time, about seven years ago, I fell in love. Really in love. For the first and only time in my life so far. At some point, I’ll share my experience with Mr. Blue Eyes (as I called him on my previous blog) here. But for now suffice it to say that that was kind of the beginning of a series of major shifts in my life. (By the way, he is no longer in my life).

A year later, another man very special to me that I had known almost my entire life died at the age of 31. A man that I thought I would never have to live my life without. He had a sudden brain hemorrhage right before New Year’s Eve and spent the next seven weeks fighting for his life. Seven of the most painful weeks in my life. When it became clear (to me anyway) that he was holding on for his family…for us…I whispered in his ear that I loved him. That I knew why he was holding on, and I knew he was tired, and it was okay if he wanted to let go. We would be okay. I received a phone call a few hours later that he had passed.

Without going into all the details of the years that followed…I found myself seeking solitude, rebirth, at a spa about an hour outside of Montreal. I immersed myself in spa treatments – fourteen of them – in the course of the six days I was there. I had four massages alone in the first two days. There was no television. My cell phone barely worked. Most everything was in French. There was not a lot of English spoken, and what was spoken was just enough to get the point across.

My heart had much healing to do along with my physical body so this “isolation” was very much needed. But you always get what you need when you need it, and physical rejuvenation was not the only repair I would be receiving while I was there. An older couple from Montreal was staying at the spa as well. The wife, named Gina, was a fireball and looked it, complete with bright fire red hair. I reminded her of her daughter, and she took me in during the last half of my stay…inviting me to eat with them at their table, relax and talk about everything in the lounge late into the evenings. She was a riot.

We passed emails back and forth for a few months after leaving the spa. I had just started my previous blog at that point and wrote about Mr. Blue Eyes. I emailed Gina the link and asked her to read it. She sent me a response that I have saved to this day titled, “About Relationships…” I just recently found it again in my bedroom sorting through my piles of paperwork and thought I would share it here. This is what she wrote:


About relationships

Before I met and married Nick 33 years ago, I gave heartbreaks as well as got them and this is what I learned:

1. The guy has to do the chasing – with guys it’s just “Lights on, lights off” – very simple – when they meet a girl, either it clicks in their heads that she is the one they are going to spend their whole life with and they are going to do everything in their power to make it happen, or nothing registers and they go on their merry way living their lives without any thought as to how they affect other people. In contrast, women meet a guy and right away, they try to find ways to make this guy fit permanently in their lives – they are ready to overlook and excuse their faults, their selfishness, etc.

LOVE IS UNSELFISH – that’s the way to judge a potential partner – the one who puts your feelings first and foremost.

If a guy does not respond to you vocalizing your feelings, that means that he does not have the same feelings for you. Sometimes, if the other person does not return your feelings, they might have preferred that you kept yours to yourself. They will start feeling uncomfortable around you and you could lose a wonderful friendship. Let the guy express his feelings first.

2. Timing – When two people are meant to be together, they will meet at the right time in both their lives.

3. Both must want the same things – no one can force or manipulate the other in wanting the same things.

4. NEXT! This is the word my 29 year-old, still unmarried younger daughter, used to say any time a relationship did not work out. There are plenty of fish in the sea. You just have to bump into the right one. She is in a happy relationship right now (he did the chasing, he makes sure that they spend time together, he makes sure that they communicate openly and honestly and she tells him if he is doing the right things to make her happy or not).

5. There is no pain in a good relationship – You can tell that you are in a good relationship because you feel loved, wanted, respected, trusted and cherished.

Gina, a beautiful stranger, turned out to be an angel who has consistently returned in my life to hug my heart with the reappearance of this message ever so often sent all those years ago. I hope her message reaches whoever needs it now.


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