Wednesday, December 1, 2010

I Don't Pretend...

“I don’t pretend to know what love is for everyone, but I can tell you what it is for me; love is knowing all about someone, and still wanting to be with them more than any other person, love is trusting them enough to tell them everything about yourself, including the things you might be ashamed of, love is feeling comfortable and safe with someone, but still getting weak knees when they walk into the room and smile at you.”

- Unknown

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Monday, November 22, 2010

The NKOTBSB Tour...

Because there has to be at least one post about this, right?

Last night the music industry seated at the American Music Awards felt what the rest of us fans felt that night at Radio City Music Hall did when the Backstreet Boys hit the stage with my boys.  While some are just never going to be receptive to the idea of them sharing a stage, there is no denying the electricity that erupted when they emerged.  Just to refresh some memories, here is my video of that night at Radio City:

And here is the video from last night's American Music Awards:

As I had anticipated, the guys nailed that performance because the amount of positive press generated since the ending of last night's show has just been tremendous.  Also as I anticipated, a ton of new tour dates have been released the morning after...this morning. 

I've been going through this emotional metamorphosis over the last few months.  If you've read any of my posts during this time, I know what you're thinking.

"No shit."

With respect to the New Kids, I've sort of come full circle.  I'm back at the point that I was in in 2008 of being excited about them being together and out active in the world as a group, but I'm no longer of the mindset that I'm going to rearrange my life to fit the tour schedule.  Instead, I've returned to - we'll see where their tour fits into my life.  It wasn't really a conscious decision.  I'm just going with what I inherently feel.  I can already feel the NKOTB fan community start to pull away from me pretty quickly...not everyone, but most of those that are currently thinking about tour schedules, vacation plans and travel arrangements as a larger list of dates have been announced.  That makes me sad, but it is what it is.

I mentioned this change to my mom a few weeks ago and besides the HUGE tone of relief in her voice, she said something that caught me off guard.  I expected something along of the lines of "Thank God.  It's about time you started living real life again, grow up, etc," because honestly that's consistently what I've heard over the last few years. Instead, she said this:

"It sounds like whatever you needed to get from them coming back this time around has been fulfilled.  You don't have to chase it anymore."

Up until that moment, I had vehemently denied that I had been chasing anything.  That I was just doing what I've always wanted to because I had the means and flexibility to do it.  That if I wasn't in the financial shape I was in, I would have just gone to my one show in town and called it a day.  But the truth is that in that moment, I realized she was right. (I hate that.) I had been chasing something.  I was chasing a dream.  I was chasing a feeling.  I'm still not at the point where I completely think that I've gotten what I was chasing (which means I probably haven't), but whatever sent me on that journey has decided that I've gotten what I needed.

I feel like I'm in mourning about this.  It's like the death of something - like breaking up with a childhood sweetheart after 20+ years.  Because as much as I feel a natural separation happening and know my life is going in a different direction, it still hurts in a way I didn't expect.

Will I still have my moments of fangirl giddiness?  Absolutely.  Am I still going to at least 1 concert?  Of course.  But it's take the path not yet taken.

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Friday, November 19, 2010

A Little Explanation About My Last Post....

I was having a rough day...or really a rough few weeks on the emotional front.  If I'm honest, I'm still not quite all out of it, but I can totally feel myself starting to reach the peak of that hill and feel the relief of moving to the other side of it.  For whatever reason the timing is pretty consistent over the last few years when these periods occur.  I could probably tie it into a few incidents or "anniversaries" that my subconscious taps into that brings on the downer of a mood, but I won't get into it right now.  

The real reason why I posted the excerpt I came across in my blog reading is that I had never read a passage that explained what I have felt from time to time so concisely and accurately.  It really is a big black numbing hole.  I may not have complete control of the option of being in that hole, but what I know for sure now that I didn't know growing up is that I do have complete control of how I react to being there - no matter how I actually feel.  So I will acknowledge its presence when the hole appears and allow myself to move through it because I no longer have to fight it or stay in it.  Either of those options takes way too much energy.  I will always choose to wait it out and move through it.  I will always come through the other side into sunshine.

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Friday, November 5, 2010

The Truth About Depression...

photo from sticky with champagne
“That’s the thing I want to make clear about depression: It’s got nothing at all to do with life. In the course of life, there is sadness and pain and sorrow, all of which, in their right time and season, are normal — unpleasant, but normal. Depression is an altogether different zone because it involves a complete absence: absence of affect, absence of feeling, absence of response, absence of interest. The pain you feel in the course of a major clinical depression is an attempt on nature’s part (nature, after all, abhors a vacuum) to fill up the empty space. But for all intents and purposes, the deeply depressed are just the walking, waking dead.”
                                                                       Prozac Nation (Elizabeth Wurtzel)

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Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Right Now...

There are a million things I could be doing right now.  There are a million things I should be doing right now.  But the only thing I AM doing right now... is looking at my hand that's missing being in yours.

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And So It Begins....

And by "it" I mean the madness that will be 2011!

New Kids on the Block and Backstreet Boys. One stage. Once in a lifetime! Visit for more info!

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Thursday, October 21, 2010

With Regard to Not Falling...

After I wrote yesterday's post, I sat with it for a while.  Finished my work day.  Rode with it on the train on my commute home.  Had it accompany me to dinner.  And finally, in the shower where I work through most of whatever is happening in my brain, it processed.  The reason I haven't allowed and won't allow myself to feel for more than a second what my heart has normally felt at this that there is a real strong possibility that this someone will not ever want me to fall for him that way.  And I don't know that I want to go through that again.

What kills me is that I also know this to be true:  there will come a moment or a different person altogether where I will have no choice.  I will have fallen before I could stop myself, and my ability to not allow myself to go there this time may have answered many of my own questions.

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Wednesday, October 20, 2010

I am not falling....

Contrary to what my last couple of posts may have led you to believe, I am not love...for anyone...head over heels...down a flight of stairs, etc.  The reason for the running theme on this blog lately is because this whole "not falling" has me perplexed.  This is the part in the story where I normally would be falling.  Falling hard.  Falling deep. Falling to certain eventual devastation.  So since this is new territory for me, I do what I always do.  I think about it. I think about it A LOT.  I overthink it actually - because really if it's more than a passing thought I'm totally overthinking it.  It probably doesn't help that I'm way hormonal this week as well, so every emotion seems a bit more amplified than what it would be normally.  At least, that's what I want to believe.

Does it sound like I'm rambling? Because I so am. Rambling.  This seems to be another one of those situations of being careful what you wish for.  The last time I fell for someone, I fell all the way in love...and when that wasn't reciprocated and the friendship that came with it quickly went away as well, my wish was that my heart wouldn't fall so fast or so hard.  And that wish and ability I acquired served me well for the past few years.  But now we have come to someone.  Someone that at some point I may want to allow myself to fall for.  Someone that at some point may want me to fall for him.  And I may not be able to.  Is that possible?

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Tuesday, October 19, 2010

My New Favorite Mug...

Actually I just ordered it.  If you would like to order one or learn more about other products and the story behind it, go here:  Think Happy Stuff

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If You're Going To Fall In Love With Me....

If you are going to fall in love with me, it’s only fair that you know what you are falling in love with. You are falling in love with my insecurities, and my obsession with trying to figure out what everyone thinks of me. You are falling in love with my immaturity, my constant need to feel loved and appreciated, my overactive tear ducts, my internet obsession, my tendency to be too clingy. You fall in love with my troubled past, and my hopes and dreams, and how I’m a hopeless romantic at heart. If you fall in love with me, you fall in love with my self-hate and all my imperfections and my perception that nobody could ever love me. But, you are also falling in love with the way my eyes will smile when I’m with you, the way I’ll text you in the mornings just telling you I hope you have a great day. You’re falling in love with the occasionally humorous and/or thought-provoking things I say, and the way I blush when people ask me about you. But to me, the most important thing will be that you are falling in love with me, despite my thinking that it is impossible.

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Monday, October 18, 2010


The last one...that's the one that has eluded me....

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Friday, October 8, 2010

The Girl I Used To Be....

I came across this photo in my daily blog readings and had to laugh.  Switch out the face of this girl for mine, and this picture could have totally been taken in 1978...probably right through 1987 and in my family photo albums.  As a young girl with fear who didn't let it stand in her way, I had balls.  I had guts.  I had gumption. 

I was the girl that in the summer between the 6th and 7th grades, I went over to a boy's house to confront him and ask him what another girl had that I didn't.  What made him like her more than me....because for the life of me I just couldn't see it.  When that poor kid couldn't put two words together to give me an answer, I decided that he  was too stupid and not good enough for me and dropped it from that day forward. 

I often wondered what happened to that girl...she shows up every once in a while, but only when she's forced to. The truth is I know where she's hiding.  And I know she's been waiting for me to bring her back out and take life back by the balls.

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Thursday, September 23, 2010

A Brief Return....To Express...This....

I will be changing platforms to something more versatile for my purposes, so I may or may not be posting all that frequently.  Yeah, I know.  How is that different from the status quo? While I'm sticking my tongue out at anybody who actually reads this thing...I'll continue.  During this time of transition I'm obviously going to have thoughts and opinions on stuff that I'll want to share, so I'll still post a bit here and there until I get everything set up over yonder...

I saw this as part of my regular blog reading, and it's what actually made me decide to keep expressing while I get all my logistical ducks in a row...

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Monday, September 13, 2010

One Day...

I finished reading this book a couple of weeks ago, but it has stayed with me, and I have found myself thinking back to it and relating it to a couple of relationships I have had in my life.  Here's a little synopsis:

From the back cover of the book:

It's 1988 and Dexter Mayhew and Emma Morley have only just met.  They both know that the next day, after college graduation, they must go their separate ways.  But after only one day together, they cannot stop thinking about one another.  As the years go by, Dex and Em begin to lead separate lives-lives very different from the people they once dreamed they'd become.  And yet, unable to let go of that special something that grabbed onto them that first night, an extraordinary relationship develops between the two.

Over twenty years, snapshots of that relationship are revealed on the same day-July15th-of each year.  Dex and Em face squabbles and fights, hopes and missed opportunities, laughter and tears.  And as the true meaning of this one crucial day is revealed, they must come to grips with the nature of love and life itself.

I'm not going to put on any airs about it.  While I totally recommend this book as a fabulous, clever and intelligent read, it took me a little while to actually get attached to it.  It's one of those reads (at least for me) where I didn't realize my emotional attachment to the characters and their relationship until I was a few chapters from the end and found myself heartbroken and teary-eyed. Although this doesn't make this post much of a book review by my unwillingness to discuss the contents other than what is already given away by the back cover, it's more impactful if you discover it on your own.  This book is definitely well worth the journey.

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