Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Someone To Take Me Home

[courtesy of Brittney Preteaus]

It's not often that I let someone into my world close enough to see my vulnerabilities. To allow them into my inner sanctum, if you will. It's even more rare that I allow them to know that they're even there when it happens. So rare, in fact, that I don't think any one of the men that has been in my life has really known...until recently. Honestly, I still don't know how I feel about it - other than it scares the shit out of me. There have been so many times I have wished I could be that one night stand girl...that one that can live in the moment and be thrilled with just that moment. I'm just not. As Kelly Clarkson sings:

Oh, no I do not hook up, I fall deep
'Cause the harder you try, the harder I'll fight to say

Oh sweetheart put that bottle down
Cause you don't wanna miss out...

What I do know is that I have music anchored to certain feelings and life events, and for what I'm feeling now, a return of a song that I know has shown up on here and my other blog a couple of times, and will no doubt show up again many more times before all is said and done...until someone has indeed come to take me home. This song describes me at 17...and at 27...but not so much at 34. I've let go of most of that...I've grown up...learned my lessons...became the woman I am now. But this girl in the song didn't fully die...she still pops up every once in a while. I hate to admit it, but I think there will always be a little bit of a beautiful disaster that lives within me.

In a way, by sharing this song on here, I'm letting all of you into an area of my inner sanctum as well. Please be gentle.

Beautiful Disaster

performed by Jon McLaughlin

She loves her mama's lemonade,
Hates the sounds that goodbyes make.
She prays one day she'll find someone to need her.
She swears that there's no difference,
Between the lies and complements.
It's all the same if everybody leaves her.

And every magazine tells her she's not good enough,
The pictures that she sees make her cry.

And she would change everything, everything just ask her.
Caught in the in between of beautiful disaster,
And she needs someone to take her home.

She's giving boys what they want, tries to act so nonchalant,
Afraid they'll see that she's lost her direction.
She never stays the same for long,
Assuming that she'll get it wrong.
Perfect only in her imperfection.

She's not a drama queen,
She doesn't want to feel this way, only seventeen but tired

She would change everything for happy ever after.
Caught in the in between of beautiful disaster,
But she just needs someone to take her home.

Cuz she's just the way she is, but no ones told her that's ok.

And she would change everything, everything just ask her.
Caught in the in between of beautiful disaster,

And she would change everything for happy ever after.
Caught in the in between of beautiful disaster,

But she just needs someone to take her home
And just needs someone to take her home

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Friday, September 25, 2009

Do you need a smile today?

I needed a smile this month. Yeah, not today, but this entire month. I got a few, but there was always this funk lurking in the background. Then this morning I woke up from a beautiful dream. A dream that made me feel as if I was held as I was sleeping. Then I checked my Facebook inbox and received the most beautiful message from the most beautiful soul. It has been a WHILE since I've had a morning like this. Needless to say, I do believe my Mercury in Retrograde funk is on its departure.

Then I come across something at work that made me go...hmmmm...something that indicated that something is going down in my department, and I know it will affect me...but I don't think it will affect me directly...but it's something big and no one is really talking. I am the one usually in the know about these types of things so you can imagine how much this is BUGGING me the hell out! Then I decided, screw it. Ignorance is bliss. I don't need to find out what is going on today. It can wait until Monday. Today I'm choosing to remain ignorant. And then....

I came across this video, and I can't stop watching the freakin' thing. Are you sure this isn't my kid? I mean, my mother's been telling me stories of me doing the same thing from the time I could shake my tushy. *BIG ASS SMILE on my face right now as I watch this video again for the umpteenth time* The universe is determined to give me a happy day regardless of what is being thrown in its path. Yay! Happy Friday!

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Monday, September 14, 2009

Goodbye Mr. Swayze

From Twitter:

Demi Moore: Patrick you are loved by so many and your light will forever shine in all of our lives. And in the words of Sam to Molly, "It's amazing Molly. The love inside, you take it with you." I love and will miss you Patrick.

Although we all knew of his illness, still it was shocking to hear this afternoon that he had passed. He was putting up such a couragous fight that he seemed to be winning for a while. Patrick was always one of my favorite celebrities because he didn't seem like one. He just seemed like a good guy who loved his life and loved his wife. Sweet dreams sweet Patrick. You are already missed.

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This Is It....

This gives me chills just seeing it and knowing what was to come shortly thereafter...

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Sunday, September 13, 2009

I Can't Explain

Well, that's not true. I'm gonna at least try a little to explain...

Did you ever have one of those days? One of those days where nothing specific or terribly horrific happened, but a bunch of small minor things came together to just hit you? Through all of that you continued to give of yourself...to offer support, love, encouragement to those that needed it. To feel the happiness for those same people when their hopes come to fruition and in a way even better than they were originally hoping for? And at the end of it you realize that you had nothing left to give yourself...and there was no one in your world with the capacity or ability to provide that same support to you - at least not with the same intensity that you needed it?

I didn't just have one of those days. This describes my September - so far. Yes, I realize September is not even half over yet, but when one of those days drags into a few days that drag into a week or more...it feels like forever. I've done a lot of personal development work over the last few years. I know that I can change how I'm feeling like that *snapping my fingers.* I know to focus on what went right, what made me feel good and happy.

I also know, however, that sometimes it's okay to just let your mind and your body feel bad...to feel tired...worn out...emotionally drained. If we never let our bodies, minds and souls feel what they want to feel, how would we know when we need to step back? To reassess? To readjust? To come clean? To recharge?

So that's what I'm allowing myself to do. I've grown up having to fake a lot of smiles...fake a lot of happiness because well hell, somebody had to be the designated driver in the happinessmobile, and it seemed that I was unofficially designated to be that person in my family, in my community. This time I'm not faking it because it doesn't serve me or anyone else to do so.

Those of you who have provided me the smiles and distractions from the heaviness in my heart, thank you from the very bottom of it. You know who you are.

No need to be concerned. I know this is incredibly unusual for most of you who know me either in real life or online as I am the "bearer of light" so to speak. I still have that light, I'm just gonna need to shine it back at me for a little bit.

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Friday, September 11, 2009


This pretty much sums up my week:

Yes, I'm aware that this still doesn't make it clear how my week actually went...

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Thursday, September 3, 2009

You Are A Classy Bitch

Michelle completed the quiz "What kind of BITCH are you?" with the result CLASSY BITCH.
You are a classy bitch. You get the job done without being too upfront about it. You fight secretivly, and the effect doesn't last for a few days, it lasts a lifetime. You won't usually use your fists, but instead you can use your brain since you're very smart. You have people wrapped around your finger and most people are fooled by you. First impressions don't mean much, because you're not what people expect. You know how to run the game..

Yeah, I'm diggin it. And....it's pretty accurate. ;)

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