Wednesday, May 27, 2009

True Love and the Perfect Person

I decided to repost this from a previous blog that I had because Mr. Blue Eyes seems to keep popping up in my life periodically.  If I'm gonna share how I'm feeling when he does show up now, there needs to be some background to refer here we go.

And in case you're curious if Mr. Blue Eyes read the following post when originally published, stay tuned tomorrow....

"True love does not come by finding the perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly."

Jason Jordan

For those of us who are still looking for that person to share the rest of our lives many of us are looking for the "perfect" person, and how many of us are looking for the person perfect for each of us?

I think I spent most of my 20's looking for the perfect person, and I had this idea (every female has an idea whether they admit to it or not) that this perfect person was going to be tall, have dark hair, be handsome, and have blue eyes....basically Prince Charming in reality.  Not only that, but he was going to fall madly in love with me and treat me like Cinderella.  This was my idea of the perfect person.  I didn't have anything too concrete down about any other specific attributes he should have, but hey...he was Prince Charming, so he should naturally do everything RIGHT.  How delusional was I?

Or was I?

About 8 or 9 years ago at work, I got booked to a client that seemed to be having a lot of problems in getting their IPO off the ground.  It wasn't a normal client of mine.  I walked into the conference room at this new client apprehensively - I hadn't worked with anyone on our team before, and I knew the vibe would be intense.  Then I looked up...and saw him.  Dark hair, blue eyes, handsome...and when he finally got out of his chair...tall too!  It was the first time in my life with one look, the following thought flashed through my mind: 

"I could marry him."

 Oh sure - I've had the "OMG, he is so hot!" and the "Wow - he's cute!" thoughts run through my head before when an attractive man crossed my path.  But it was the first time that I looked at someone and in the calmest of thoughts think that I could marry that person.  It was literally the first time I ever laid eyes on him.  I had no idea what his name was, how old he was, what level within our firm he was...nothing.  And to me - it didn't matter.  There was just something that clicked within me. 

So we worked together for a couple of weeks.  Pretty early on I found out he had a girlfriend, one that he had for a few years already...and that he's Mormon.  I thought well okay; this one is as good as married.  He would never tell me how old he was, but I figured he was probably around my age or a couple of years older.  During those weeks and those long hours at work, he and I would take breaks and just kind of talk.  It was nice and the most comfortable I felt with someone in a long time.  I found out he definitely was not perfect, but somehow that was ok with me.  After that project was over, we said hello to each other whenever we saw each other in the office, but never spent any more time together in any kind of setting.

Two years passed...and then an announcement came from our regional leadership at our big annual meeting for a short-term assignment in Boston.  They needed 4 or 5 of us there for a 7 week be set and ready to begin work the following week.  Guess who came up to me after the meeting was over?  You guessed it - Mr. Blue Eyes.  He was wondering what I thought about it, and I think he overheard me saying that I wanted to do it. 

The following week, me, Mr. Blue Eyes and a couple of other ladies from our office were in Boston ready to go.  Over the course of the following weeks Mr. Blue Eyes and I became really close friends – emotionally close - really fast.  We shared a lot of long talks - intimate talks about religion, how we each wanted to raise children, what kind of marriages we wanted to get the idea.  We talked about a lot of things couples don't even talk about.  By the way, did I mention that he broke up with that long-term girlfriend not all that long prior to leaving for Boston?  

Over the course of these conversations, the initial crush I had turned into something more, something much deeper, something that I was quickly losing control of.  It seemed though, that maybe this time, he might be feeling the same way.  I asked another co-worker, who had over the weeks also become a close girlfriend, help me look objectively to the situation to make sure I wasn't reading too much into his actions.  I had a tendency - as we all do from time to time - to see only the things that I wanted to see.  I wanted to make sure my eyes were wide open this time to see everything.  It wasn't just me that noticed something different about our interactions, she had too...maybe this WAS it.

One night not too long before we were to leave Boston and return home, he and I had another one of those deep conversations.  By this time, it had become habit for him to come over to my apartment every night before he went back to his place and went to bed - that is if we already weren't hanging out.  Also by this time, I had become so in tune with his energy, I could feel him when he was near - even if I couldn't see him.  It was something I had never experienced before and haven't experienced since.  Well, after this particular deep conversation, I had such overwhelming emotions, and we were talking about things so personal to us, that I felt like I was lying to him by not telling him how I felt.  I mean, if he knew I felt about him, would he still feel ok about sharing this part of himself with me? 

That night, after he left to go back to his apartment...I called.  I just couldn't stand it anymore.  I told him I had feelings for him (completely understating the situation).  He said he was flattered...and didn't know what else to say.  He handled the phone call well.  His actions that followed in the days and weeks after, however - not so good.    I had hoped if nothing else that he would be able to still be really good friends, but I guess he was just too weirded out by the whole thing.  I couldn't believe I had read the situation so wrong.  I mean, to everyone outside of us, it almost appeared as if we were dating.  I had made sure that I was seeing something that other people could see as well before I said anything.  I was devastated. 

We returned home and over the next couple of years we had moments where it felt like a Boston flashback and moments where I knew that it would just never be the same.  It came to a point where I was able to process in my head what my heart had been feeling since that day I looked across the conference room.  I had fallen in love - really in love - for the first time in my life.  And I knew this because, it was the first time that I was able to let someone go without feeling like I had to desperately hold on to him.  I knew I had really fallen in love because I wanted more for his happiness more than I wanted him to be with me.  It was completely unselfish.

It's been a year since I've had contact with him.  Even then it was a short email to tell me about how busy he was with work, and it was 6 months since I heard from him then.  My heart's obviously not ready to let him go.  I still love him - really love him...all of the tall, dark haired, blue eyed imperfect man that he is.  I'd like to completely let him go - to move on, and I will.  I will when it's time for me to let him go.  I will when it's time for my heart to love again.  Until then, I'm going to treasure the fact that I now know what true love feels like, and I'm looking forward to the day when it's requited.

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