Thursday, May 21, 2009

I'm Having A Day

Have you ever gone back in time to an emotion and not be able to get yourself back out of it?  This was my day today.  It hit me this morning that not only would I be replaying the realization of a 20-year dream not only once, but twice in a little over a month from now!  The dream of being face-to-face with New Kids on the Block again, that is.  Then I went into the thing that I really didn’t want to do:  I started playing in my head what I would say.  The planning thing…that’s what I was trying to avoid. 

Last year, it was completely organic.  I didn’t do any research.  Didn’t check out the boards, google up pictures – nothing.  I knew I was getting backstage for a photo op and meet and greet, but having done a few of these types of things before, I honestly wasn’t expecting much.  Wasn’t expecting actual time with the guys or anything.  I thought if I was lucky I might get some eye contact or even a quick smile – if I was REALLY lucky maybe even a hug.  What actually happened wasn’t like it was something so extraordinary.  Nobody got kissed.  Nobody proposed.  Nothing like that.  But because I had no expectations, everything that did happen above and beyond getting a picture taken with the boys was just extraordinary.  There was one particular thing that happened though – a moment where Donnie pulled me out of our hug to look into my eyes.  I was thisclose to going into the ugly cry because it had been sooo long since someone not just looked into my eyes, but really saw me.  That moment was what brought me to today…

So this morning when it hit me that I would not only get one opportunity, but two to have a similar experience, my mind immediately went back to that look and what I would say this time.  Because there would be another look. I don’t know why I have that certainty about it, but I do.  There will be another look.  And I did come up with something to say, which I’m not going to reveal here.  Let’s just say that it has something to do with being able to escape from what was going in my life at the time and willing my heart to continue beating…to hold on.  If he only knew…really knew what his existence in the world meant and still means to me.

Well, after that I went on about my day…commuted to the office, attended meetings, drafted memos, reviewed documents, mentored staff, and really just put that all out of my mind.  Until my Blackberry buzzed on my hip.  I pulled up Twitter, and there was this tweet from Donnie:

Have I told you all that in my darkest times.... You all lifted me up? You all came through and showed me such love! Your joy is my joy.

I about fell out of my chair.  My eyes instantly glistened with tears, and my heart was full.  I know he had not heard about what he meant to me in my darkest times (unless there was some telepathic communication happening unbeknownst to us). I know very well he was expressing that to everyone.  But the timing was coincidental, no? 


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