Friday, February 20, 2009

Broken Heart

The last 7 or 8 months I've been in kind of a funk. It obviously comes and goes, and if you look at my twitter feed or Facebook or other places where I more frequently update the goings on of my daily life, it isn't all consuming. Those that have been intimately involved in my life for the last few years can tell that there's been an undercurrent of something heavy - something sad that's been plaguing me for a short bit. (In the scheme of a lifetime, 7 or 8 months really is a "short bit.")

Anyway, in the depth of a fatigued stupor at 2am this morning, it all came clear to me. Funny how clarity arrives when you don't have the energy to make excuses, over analyze, etc. the situation.

What was this clarity?
My heart broke last year, and I didn't really know it.

How, you may ask, does someone or something break your heart, and you don't even know it?

When you deny that your heart was in it to begin with.


Let me try to elaborate:

From 2005 through the middle of 2008 I worked for a company that I loved. I completely believed in the leaders of the company, the business model, the integrity of what I was doing and the opportunities that working at this company would provide me. For the first time I felt like I was getting paid fairly, valued as an employee and empowered to make a difference in people's lives. I was so inspired by my professional life going so well that it made me want to work on me - my own personal development. So that's what I did. I embarked on 3 year journey (so far) into making me the best possible version of myself and knocking out the crap that was keeping me from being that person now. Let me tell you, I was on a roll! I've done, seen, experienced things in my life that I never ever thought would be part of my life story prior to the last 3 years. I met amazing people, traveled to amazing places, done amazing things. It's been phenomenal!

And then things started to decline at my company.

A wise man once said that's it's easy to treat people well and respectful when times are good, but the true measure of a great company or leader is how they treat people - how they act - when times aren't so good. Let's just say, that my situation was immensely disappointing. So much so that I questioned my judgment in the people I trusted. I have to say that I was almost always treated respectfully. But everyone wasn't treated the same way, and because I was in more of a "protected group," I was expected to go along with what leadership was doing, saying, expressing. The integrity of who I am didn't really jive with what I was being asked or expected to do.

So, I made a decision to leave, and within 2 weeks of that decision, I found another job and put in my notice. I had to give a 30-day notice, so it was a long break-up. Even though I enjoy my new company and am thrilled to be out of that situation, I've been in mourning over the break-up - the lost love. Yes, I did really love my job that much.

And I just realized it - this morning. Let the healing begin!

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