On My Mind...

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I have SO many things going on in my mind right now, and it's making me exhausted. What's going on in that noggin of mine? Well, pick a subject. It seems I have thoughts running around in there concerning every aspect of my life. Not one area seems settled at the moment. Not one. That's not to say that things aren't calm in at least one area of my life. It just doesn't feel like it in my head...or my heart.

I keep hearing, "Don't overthink it, Michelle" going 'round and 'round in my ears every time I sit still and let my thoughts take control...

How long can I financially last if another project doesn't come around?

Did I disappoint him because something seemed a little off at times when I was with him?  I hate disappointing anyone, especially him.

What is going on in my client's head and why do I feel like she's not as forthcoming as I had previously given her credit?

I'm tired of working for someone else, but then what else would I do?

I wish my mom would go out and find her happiness...at least make an attempt at it...

These are just a few of the questions/topics/thoughts floating around my head at any given time these last couple of weeks.  As in control as I appear to everyone (and I'd like to think that for the most part I actually am in control), there are times I wish I could hand over the reins to someone and ask them to take care of me for a while...make all the decisions.  Have you ever felt that way?  Just hand it all over and have someone else decide everything for a little while...or even just ask you what you want and then go about putting forth the effort in making it happen and you not having to lift a finger.

Although it might read that way in my blog, I don't really get to this point that often. Not this point.  My spirit's been injured.  Is there something to fix that?

I'm heading to Seattle tonight for a quick trip and an attempt at a little R&R over the Memorial Day weekend with my mom.  Granted it would probably be more relaxing if I went alone.  It usually is.  But I kinda feel like I need my mommy with me this weekend, and I know she needs me.

The Moment

There is a slow motion kind of silence that happens the moment your life changes forever. The moment when you realize that everything you know in life to be true may not necessarily be so. The moment you measure life as before and after this moment.  When your memory of that moment replays like that in a silent movie. Crackling, fuzzy, jumpy.  Almost like you're watching it as if it was happening under water.  Some people are fortunate to have never experienced these kind of moments and have no idea what I'm referring to here.  Others know it all too well.  I've experienced these moments twice.

The first, when I discovered my father had died, sent me into numbness immediately...because there were things to do.  People to call.  Arrangements to be made.  Adulthood to step into.  Instantly.  My subconscious was protecting me of the traumatic pain of course.  Putting me into "logistics mode" to get things done, absent all feelings.  To be the strong one to make the decisions.  Letting time pass before letting me feel it so that I didn't lose my sanity completely.  Because I could have.  So easily.  When I finally felt this one, well, let's just say that it seems my subconscious is still somewhat slowly letting me feel the depth of the pain of this loss.  And it's been 18 years.  There may never be a true end to it, but it does feel somewhat lessened every time it makes an appearance.

The second, when the cousin I was closest to died - this one I felt instantly.  Every single devastatingly painful second of his passing.  Maybe it was because he didn't go quickly. We had seven weeks of hanging on to hope before the inevitable was realized.  But every moment, from the time his AVM burst out of nowhere...to the time of his death...to now, I feel his absence, the loss.

This is what I've been feeling the past week or two.  Intimately.  The losses.  The slow recovery from these losses.  It always seems to happen around this time of year as certain dates pass, certain memories revisit.  This year for some reason, the memory of that slow motion silence reappeared with the memories as well, taking me back visually to the foggy slow motion of those moments.  I guess it's taken this long for me to be able to process it, to recognize it, and to let it move through me, and to begin to heal.

Fifty Shades of Grey - The Obligatory Post

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Because I too have read the trilogy, I felt like I should go ahead and jump on the bandwagon and write a post about it.  It's sure as hell not the first post, and it most definitely won't be the last, but it feels like it must be done, so here we go...

About a month ago I saw some mentions on my Twitter timeline regarding this book called Fifty Shades of Grey.  My first thought was, "Meh, if I start seeing a lot of folks mention it then I'll check it out."  And then I started seeing a lot of talk about it in my timeline...and then even more on TV and thought..."Well I'll just download the first book and see what all the fuss is about."  The only thing that I knew about it was that it was described to be erotica.  Well okay then...my eyebrow lifted in interest.  Mind you, I had no background on how the story came to be, the inspiration, the link to Twilight, etc.  The truth of the matter is that I saw absolutely no resemblance to the Twilight story really with the exception of it being set in Seattle.  Then again, I wasn't looking for any similarities either...and not once did the thought crossed my mind that hmmm, I've read this story before.

Thus began my own tale of devouring the first...then the second...and then the third book all in the course of a week.  I just couldn't stop myself.  I'm not sure specifically what kept me drawn to it.  Here's my take.  Keep in mind that I read through the trilogy...VERY fast, so I'm gonna have to go back and read it more slowly, you know, to make sure I didn't miss anything the first time around.  ;)

The sex was hot, but descriptions of sex over and over and over and over...and over...again and you're thinking...geez really?  Again?  I mean, how many times can you describe the journey to an orgasm?  In detail?  At the same time, I'm not gonna front and say I didn't like the raunchy descriptions.  I totally dug it.  Just seemed like a lot, especially when you consider how quickly the first encounter to marriage takes place.  I mean books 1-3 takes place over like what...4 or 5 months?  But I guess suspending yourself from reality is kind of the point when reading a story like this.

I have read some criticism regarding the quality of the writing, and so on.  First of all, this is not going to be everyone's cup of tea.  The writing isn't Pulitzer Prize winning, but millions of copies have been sold, and it's a fun raunchy romantic novel, so does that really matter?  If you want to read literature with a love story, pick up Pride and Prejudice. By the way, my style of writing can't exactly be compared to Shakespeare either, but here you are reading it...

Like everything else, a lot of people are also going to form an opinion before even reading the back cover and decide not to read it because they think it's an offshoot of Twilight or they're not into BDSM or whatever.  All I can say is, give things a chance before forming an opinion...you might just change your mind...that is, only if you're willing to have it changed.  And I'm not necessarily just referring to this book. Otherwise, just accept that this is a fun read.  Or just don't read it.  Isn't democracy grand?

Some of my favorite parts were the emails back and forth between Christian and Ana...because I sorta have exchanged similar type emails and can see myself doing it again...so I definitely giggled a lot reading them.  The author has said that those emails were fun to write.  I had fun reading them.  I enjoyed the characters and the possibilities of future books from Christian's point of view.  There's so much the author could do from that side.

Update:

So I started writing this post right after I finished the trilogy.  I took a week off, couldn't help myself, and picked up the first book again to begin reading.  As I was in the middle of Chapter 4, it hit me.  I know a big reason why I'm loving these books personally.  It's not that I want the Christian Grey in the novels.  When Christian says Anastasia's name in the book and then Anastasia's feelings are narrated about how she feels when he says it, I think of my special someone.  How I feel similar if not the same when he says my name.  How I feel when he touches me, kisses me, looks at me.  I read a passage, then I close my eyes and relive real moments of feeling the exact same way.  I think that's why this second read through is even more enjoyable for me.  I know what's going to happen.  I don't have to get sucked into wondering what's going to happen next.  I can just read it, enjoy it and relive my moments all the way through it.

So my take in 140 characters or less:

Read the books.  Loved them.  Re-reading them. The end.

You Know What's Fun?

The sudden appearance of lovely red bumps over one side of your face in your late 30's...better known as adult acne. 

A couple of weeks ago I looked in the mirror and there was one lone zit.  That's not unusual.  It was the beginning of my hormonal time of the month, and I was under some stress at work.  But then that one lone zit was joined by a few more around my jaw line.  And then a few more.  And then a week later, a small one showed up on my forehead.  And now a number of red bumps have appeared on the same side of my face as where they showed up on my jawline.  

What. The. Fuck?!?!?

I was a fortunate girl in my teens who never really had more than 3-5 random zits in different areas of my face at any given time.  Most of the time I was blessed with clear skin.  Throughout the years since then I would get a random zit here or there, and it continued to be no big deal that concealer couldn't cover.

While I'm thankful that it's still not crazy acne that's REALLY noticeable, I'm wondering what the heck happened to my beautiful skin that I had as recently as last month.  In doing some internet research...because doctors LOVE it when we do that... there are a number of reasons why this could be happening at this point in my life.  The most plausible answer though...perimenopause.  The menopause before your menopause.  The beginning stages of the shifting of your hormones and the beginning of the end of your fertility.  Accompanied by newly acquired night sweats while sleeping...on those lovely nights where I am able to fall asleep and other mood swings, this seems like the most plausible answer.  Dear Lord, how did I get to this age already?

Granted, I'm no doctor, but absent any other tell tale signs of other issues this could be caused by, my power of deduction has come to this conclusion.

And so it goes...

102 Questions - An Update

I thought it might be fun to post an update on the answers to these questions that I originally posted on December 14, 2011.

Original answers are in blue.  New answers are in green - if the answer would be different now.

Here we go:

1. Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it? Yes
2. Would you date an 18-year-old at the age you are now? Hell no. 
3. When’s the last time you were aggravated and happy at the same time? No idea.
4. Would you ever smile at a stranger? I do all the time.
5. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are? I wouldn't say mad exactly...
6. Have you heard a song that reminds you of someone today? Not today. Not yet.
7. What exactly are you wearing right now? Burgundy sweater, black slacks, black heels Baby pink sweater, black slacks, black flats
8. How often do you listen to music? Every day. 
9. Do you wear jeans or sweats more? Jeans 
10. Do you think your life will change dramatically before 2012? I don't think so, but you never know. Answering assuming the date changes to 2013 would be the same
11. Are you a social or an antisocial person? Depends on my mood. 
12. Have you ever kissed someone whose name begins with the letter ‘A’? No Oy,I literally just remembered one.  Sorry "A" LOL
13. What about ‘R’? I don't think so. Though there are a couple of guys from way back that I don't remember the names of....another oy.
14. Can you drive a stick shift? Yes.
15. Do you care if people talk badly about you? I wish the answer was no, but yes I do care. 
16. Are you going out of town soon? No. Yes.
17. When was the last time you cried? Last night. Last week.I watched Titanic in 3D.  LOL
18. Have you ever told someone you loved them? Yes.
19. If you could change your eye color, would you? I'd love to try blue or green... 
20. Is there a boy who you would do absolutely everything for? I don't know that I do would do absolutely everything for even myself so... 
21. Name something you dislike about the day you’re having. It doesn't seem to be ending anytime soon. :/ I'm really tired and wish I had slept better over the weekend.  Not more, just better.
22. Is it cute when guys kiss you on your forehead? Yes. 
23. Are you dating the last person you talked to? No.
24. What are you sitting on right now? An office chair. Same answer.  I should probably get some more work done while I'm here though, no?  :)
25. Does anyone regularly (other than family) tell you they love you? No. That hasn't happened since...uh...1994?
26. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have? I'm normally the Queen of the Unrequited Love. 
27. Who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed last night? My mom. Physically?  My mom.  But literally (through text)?  My someone special.  :)
28. Do you get a lot of colds? Not usually. I'm telling you the posts I had about being healthy totally jinxed me for 2012 so far.  I will so not be writing about THAT again.
29. Where is the shirt you are wearing from? Talbots My sweater that I'm wearing is from Tommy Hilfiger
30. Does anyone hate you? If so, I am blissfully unaware of them. I don't know about hate, but I do know there is one that dislikes me a lot.  If I am wrong about that then she's just a bitch in general...which I do know for a fact is true.  LOL
31. Do you have any empty alcohol bottles hidden somewhere in your room? No.
32. Do you like watching scary movies? Sometimes. 
33. Do you want your tongue pierced? Nope. 
34. If you had to delete one year of your life completely, which would it be? I don't know that I'd delete one year ever, but I've had some pretty bad ones I'd rather not live through again.
35. Did you have a dream last night? Not that I remember. I think I had a few different ones strung together, but again...I rarely remember them.
36. When was the last time you told someone you loved them? Besides my mom? Umm...2002 I think? 
37. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years? I doubt it. 
38. Do you think someone has feelings for you? Feelings? Sure. 
39. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now? Maybe.
40. Did you have a good day yesterday? It was alright. It was good.  Came home from Vegas so I was exhausted, but it was good.
41. Think back 2 months ago; were you in a relationship? No.  Technically, no...but see answer to #72. I'm a one man kind of chick.  If I'm interested, I'm pretty much taken from an emotional standpoint until that's completely finished.  I say that like that's a definitely outcome, don't I?  Well, so far it has been.
42. In the next 48 hours, will you hang out with a girl? LOL - is this a questionnaire for guys? Sure I'll hang out with a girl. My mom, co-workers... 
43. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you? Yes. 
44. What’s the best part about school? Not being in it anymore. You know I really liked school and finding a class where the subject really interested in me.  I'd love to do that permanently without the actual tests and tuition.  :)
45. Do you have any pictures on your Facebook? Sure. 
46. Do you ever pass notes to your friends in school? Yes as a matter of fact I did...it was the major form of flirting when I was in school.
47. Do you replay things that have happened in your head? All the time.
48. Were you single over the last summer? Yes. But see answer to #41
49. Is your life anything like it was two years ago? Nope. 
50. What are you supposed to be doing right now? Working. 
51. Do you hate the last guy you had a conversation with? No. 
52. Are you nice to everyone? Well, not everyone...but in general yes. 
53. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to? Totally. 
54. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat? That's pretty much how I roll...also see answer to #41
55. Are you good at hiding your feelings? I'm a freakin' expert at it. 
56. Do you think you like someone? Yes.
57. Have you kissed someone whose name starts with a ‘J’? Yes. 
58. Do you prefer to be friends with girls or boys? Boys.
59. Has anyone of your friends ever seen you cry? Yes.
60. Do you hate anyone? No. 
61. How’s your heart? Well, it's there. What I mean by that is that it feels like it's in a perpetual state of healing.
62. Is there something that happened in your past that you hate talking about? Yes. Doesn't everyone?
63. Have you ever cried over a guy? I'm not sure that there's ever been a guy that I haven't cried over at some point. 
64. Who is probably talking a load of crap about you right now? People who don't actually know me. Considering that this recently happened...also someone who is obviously threatened by me and does not play (work) well with others.
65. Are your toenails painted pink? No. Yes.
66. Will your next kiss be a mistake? No. 
67. Girls love it when boyfriends cry; correct? Depends on the reason. 
68. Have your pants ever fallen down in public? No. 
69. Who was the last person you were on the phone with? I can't even remember the last time I talked on the phone. Ooh wait - I made my pedicure appointment over the phone yesterday. I don't really talk on the phone any more.  I had to look at my cell to find out.  It was my mom to meet for lunch. 
70. How do you look right now? Awesome :) 
71. Do you have someone you can be your complete self around? I have someone that I can come pretty close to being my complete self around. Does that count? 
72. Can you commit to one person? Like I said, that's how I roll. 
73. Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to? Define "everything." :) That probably means no. Although...see answer to #71.
74. Have you ever felt replaced? Yup. One of the worst feelings. Ever.
75. Did you wake up cranky? Not this morning... I'm not sure I've quite woken up yet today.
76. Are you a jealous person? I used to be, and not normally that way now unless given a reason to be... 
77. Are relationships ever worth it? Yes. If nothing else, for the lessons. 
78. Anyone you’re giving up on? Not currently. 
79. Currently wanting to see anyone? Yup.
80. Name something you have to do tomorrow? Get out of bed at 5am. :/ 
81. Last person you cried in front of? Probably my mother. 
82. Is there someone you will never forget? There's a few. 
83. Do you think the person you have feelings for is protective of you? Yes. 
84. If the person you wish to be with were with you, what would you be doing right now? This is not that kind of blog. *wink* 
85. Are you over your past? Probably not. 
86. Have you ever liked one of your best friends of the opposite sex? Yes, and that never works out well unless the feeling was mutual...which it wasn't. 
87. Is there anyone you can tell EVERYTHING to? No. I mean, everything means EVERYTHING.  Almost everything, on the other hand, yes, I do have that person.
88. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept? I would except them but that doesn't mean it would go anywhere beyond accepting the apology. First of all that should have been *accept*.  Yes, I'm spell checking myself.  I probably should have done that before I clicked "Publish."  Second, I would accept the apology, but it's done.  I have no intention or desire to go back there and frankly it was a blessing that it didn't work out with him.  I think I would have been miserable.
89. So, the last person you kissed just happens to arrive at your door at 3AM; do you let them in? Depends on what my living situation is at the time. If I was living alone, sure. By "alone" I mean not with my mother, with whom I share ownership of a home.
90. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated? No. 
91. Will you be in a relationship in 2 months? No idea. Life is funny that way. 
92. Is there anyone you know with the name Michael? Yup. 
93. Have you ever kissed a Matthew? No.
94. Were you in a relationship in January? How was it going? No. See answer to #41.
95. Were you happy with the person you liked in March? This past March? Umm I think so. Yes.
96. Don’t tell me lies, is the last person you texted attractive? Yes. Very. So very.
97. Who do you have texts from? Not a national secret, but it's no one's business either. 
98. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say? Thank you for telling me, and I hope you're really happy. The end. 
99. Have you ever kissed someone older than you? Yes. 
100. Who’s in your profile picture with you? NKOTB. No one currently.
101. Ever kissed under fireworks? No, but that might be nice. :) 
102. Has anybody ever given you butterflies? Yes, it's the best. 

You Know What's Scary?

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Not knowing whether the fatigue and exhaustion I’ve been feeling is a result from continually to recuperate from the onslaught of illnesses I’ve had over the last few months, not getting enough restful sleep, the beginnings of my chronic fatigue syndrome returning or some sort of combination of them. I’m really hoping that at most it’s not getting enough restful sleep over the last few weeks. The thing is when you’re fatigued to the point of really feeling exhausted, every little thing in life seems so much more difficult to handle or get through. And I mean EVERY little thing. Even getting up to go to the restroom seems to be such a hassle. The truth is that I don’t think it’s a return of my chronic fatigue syndrome because I can get out of bed in the morning. I’m not experiencing brain fog. I don’t feel body aches and pains that aren’t a direct result of something physical that I’ve done or otherwise unexplained. I’m just…really tired. All the time. 

 

I’m going to try a little over-the-counter help to at least help me start off in a restful sleep and go from there. Also going to try changing up my diet and eat really clean and see if that helps. I’ve already given up coffee for a while now and have reduced my intake of carbs and sugar. None of these things can hurt, and I’m praying they really help. 

In other news, I must really like that sunflower pic I put up in my last post as I see I posted a different version of the same pic recently. I guess it just reminds me of happiness and spring. 

What up?

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Here’s where it all began going downhill. I got sick. Again. For the third time this year. And it only just turned April. It turns out that I got hit with a really REALLY bad flu bug/strep/death followed by a lovely bronchitis that has yet to completely leave me cough-less. Needless to say this last round of yuck left my body feeling just ravaged after having dealt with two back-to-back bouts of the stomach flu in January and February. The good news is that I think that I’m finally back on the mend, and I’m really hoping that illness doesn’t turn out to be a monthly occurrence in 2012. 

The other piece of good news is that between the stomach flu bugs and the normal flu, I have lost about 15 pounds. I think everything kind of reset my system because many of the incredibly unhealthy foods/drinks that I loved before are no longer compatible with my stomach it seems, so I’ve been avoiding them for the most part. The food I am still able to tolerate I’ve drastically reduced portion sizes. Honestly, those reduced portion sizes are probably what a single serving size was supposed to be anyway. I’m not totally ignorant about what the loss means either.  Since I’ve spent most of the last couple of months in bed when I wasn’t working or running errands I had to run, I’m sure some of those lost pounds were lost pounds of muscle and water as well as fat. This is obviously not optimal, so I’m doing my research on strength training to get my flabulousness back to fabulousness.

I have a few getaways planned for the next few months as well that I’m really looking forward to, considering the last time I thought about a vacation was the NKOTB cruise I went on last May. Not gonna lie, this is also an incentive for me to continue on with my weight loss and firm up plan. I’d really love to have some summer fun pictures of me that I don’t cringe at when I see them. The last time that happened I was probably 3. 

So yeah….that’s what’s been going on with me. 

Relishing the Quiet

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This week has been a quiet one at work...versus the anything but quiet of the last few months, and I am grateful. While I enjoy being busy, sometimes your brain and your body just needs a break to do...absolutely nothing.  Granted - I'm not exactly doing "nothing" this week, but I'm allowing the space of the quiet to enter my psyche long enough to rejuvenate it.  Because I'm not sure when the next onslaught of craziness is going to hit.  Because right now I need to balance my quietness with the lives of the not-so-quiet of my family...who need me right now.

So I'm thankful...and so very grateful for this brief reprieve in my world.

What's On My Mind Today

So I've been thinking or reminiscing a lot about my most recent weekend with my someone special. During that weekend he made some observations about me...some things about me that I would have thought would annoy him (so I've kept it to a minimum) or some things about myself that would mortify me if I thought he knew about them.  You know, some of the things you tend to reserve to do for when you are alone.

....and you thought I was gonna give you specific examples...yeah right.

Anway....

So he's randomly told me about these observations over the course of our time together...the most mortifying reveal happening recently...and prefaced these observations as being the most adorable things ever and increased his appeal for me.  Like..."while you sleeping you did the cutest thing..."

First of all, I trust him.  Obviously, otherwise he would NEVER see anything that might be compromising to me - even in the throws of pure exhaustion.  But I'm kind of shell shocked a bit that he thinks these things about me are attractive...in any kind of way.  That's new.  Brand spanking new for me to experience. 

And you know, what might be cute during this extended "honeymoon" phase of discovering each other could easily become the most annoying trait(s) ever at some point.  I know I'm getting way ahead of myself and visualizing everything between now and downhill...which is bad...really bad.  But when you've never known a relationship to go anywhere but downhill...uphills or no hills are pretty hard to see from here.  And although my mind is going in this direction, I'm also making a great effort not to look too far past today with him.  There are so many reasons why this shouldn't work out.  So many reasons.  But for whatever reason, it's working out right now.  And it's working REALLY well.  This too is also brand spanking new for me.  I'm trying though.  Boy am I trying.

Checking In...

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I haven't disappeared. Although on some days I wish I was invisible - like today.  I had a really bad case of insomnia last night, so 4-5 hours of sleep makes for a tired, cranky Monday morning.  I've just been doing a lot of soul searching, and it's hard to know what should and shouldn't be disclosed on a public forum.  I mean, once you put it out there for the world to see, it really does stay out there in perpetuity.  And there are some ideas, emotions and disclosures about myself that I want to remain just mine.  Permanently.  so to avoid having diarrhea of the fingers and clicking "Publish" without a second thought, I just felt it was better to just not post anything, until I could do so and not have to think about what I was typing every other sentence.

So what has been going on?  A short list:

• Work drama - the likes of which I haven't seen since high school.  Some people really never outgrow adolescent behavior, do they?  It's been a really long time...and I mean a REALLY long time since I've come across such blatant selfishness and immaturity in a professional setting, so this all came as a bit of a shock to me...be c'est la vie.  I know some of you are thinking...if it's been that long since you've dealt with it, you are way lucky.  Yes, I am fully aware and am grateful.

• Avoiding the raging flu/really nasty cold viruses that have literally everyone around me has been getting.  I feel like I should be immune to all things viral after the stomach flu that wouldn't die hit me back in January, but I've been pumping 1000 mg of Vitamin C in daily just in case.  So far it seems to be working.  *fingers crossed*

• Trying really hard to not continue to fall for my manfriend and failing miserably at it.  Miserably.  Why would I not want to fall?  Well now see this would be one of those things that I don't necessarily want to put out there.  For eternity.  To be discovered and rehashed at random points throughout the rest of my life.  If he wants to know, he can ask me.  And I'll tell him.  Does he already know I'm trying not to fall for him?  Probably.

What else has been going on?

Well, just  a general clearing out the clutter in my physical and emotional surroundings.  This de-cluttering - well it's not altogether that easy as many can attest to, I'm sure.  But it's time.  Actually it's long overdue.  So I'm doing it.  Slowly, but it's happening.

Hopefully at some point I will get back to - get inspired to - post more regularly.  I just need to clean out all of this "junk" first...and I don't mean transfer it from one place to another...like here.  :)